TITLE: The Hole, Inc.
GENRE: Thriller
When a troubled young woman’s beloved twin brother vanishes in a freak blizzard, she becomes suspect in his disappearance. To find him, she needs to abandon her home, her job, her very identity, and descend into an anarchic underworld where nothing is what it seems. Pursued by both police and the underworld’s henchmen, she must discover within herself the strength and ingenuity to save them both or face certain death.
"anarchic underworld" seems like gilding the lily. You can drop "anarchic." Other than that, I like it.
ReplyDeleteI think this is great. Sounds like a great story!
ReplyDeleteYou don't need 'beloved' or 'freak' and you should say she becomes "a suspect" and tell us why (because I would think people would assume he got caught in the storm!) I would also suggest you re-word the ending to something that she specifically must do, rather than a vague idea of how she may succeed (because discovering inner strength is really not tangible nor is it likely the actual goal).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
My first thought for this was, "So what's her name?" ;) Unless there's some twist in the book where you never know the protagonist's name, I would include it in the logline!
ReplyDeleteDoes she become A suspect, or -does- she suspect?
Other than that, very straight-forward and exciting!
I was very hooked by the first sentence although agree that it's not clear if she suspect or is a suspect. I assumed the latter. As it went on it seemed a bit over-dramatic 'her very identity' and 'certain death'. I'd be tempted to cut the identity and make the last line more specific if you can. But it really does sound like a story I'd love to read!
ReplyDeleteI agree you need to include her name. Don't know that it's necessary to say she's "troubled". I wonder if you could make it a bit more specific at the end, as others have suggested. Otherwise, I think this sounds like a great book! Good luck:)
ReplyDeleteI like how you managed to squeez many details into such a short logline. I'd like to know her name too and the death she has to face. Intriguing!
ReplyDelete