Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #5

TITLE: Shifted
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi (Multicultural)

When 15-year-old Kaia Davis discovers she can control one of the atomic elements, she joins The Shifters, a covert unit who fight to stop terrorists and save the world.

Or, at least, that's what they were told.


  1. I like this (especially the second sentence), but it left me with one nagging question: which element? Being able to control something like hydrogen would be immensely powerful compared to something like, say, xenon, and not having that information limits what my imagination can come up with.

  2. I like this. I objected to stopping someone from committing all seven deadly sins because I thought it would have more oomph with just one. And here you are, with just one atomic element! You can probably drop her last name and save a word.

  3. I really like this one. Just enough detail to keep us "in the loop" while still being vague enough to leave us curious and wanting more.

    I'd read this.

  4. I like this a lot!!! So intriguing with controlling the atomic elements. And then you land us with the doozy sentence.


    I'm hooked!

  5. This is great! I thought your opening was interesting and concise, and your final sentence sucked me in even more!

  6. I need to know why she does this. Does she have to? Is someone she cares about at risk? Will that person die if she doesn't help? You need to motivate your main character or your readers will not root for them.

    Your last line is a nice way to hint at obstacles and would be okay for a query or the back of the book but it doesn't tell us about the actual conflict here.

    Good luck!

  7. I think if you mention which element, this will be a great logline.

  8. Author here with a question for the commenters, if they would be so kind :-)

    Kaia's element is silicon and she can control it in compounds (the other Shifters require pure forms - she's extra special). This gives her the ability to (among other things) shatter and manipulate glass and cause sandstorms.

    I was considering mentioning her specific element, but without the extra explanation I think it sounds kinds of lame. I also thought about saying something like "When Kaia discovers she can cause sandstorms with her mind, she...etc." However, I think the atomic element angle makes it different.

    What do you guys think? Make some sort of specific mention or leave it as is?

  9. I think the atomic element sounds cooler than sandstorms, etc. Though if you hinted..."Kaia didn't know the power to manipulate silicon would be so dangerous/coveted/etc."

    And Holly brings up a good point. Is there something driving Kaia to join the team, is she a misfit now happy among a new group of friends? Is she promised a reward or benefits for her family? Is she manipulated by one group then joins another for payback? I dunno, I'm just spitting out ideas.

    But you still did a heckuva job hooking me. Kudos!!!

  10. Thanks, Amelia :-)

    There definitely is a reason - she grew up in the foster care system and desperately craves a family...even if her new family is more than a little dangerous ;-)

    Again, it's all a question of how much one can fit in a logline without it seeming overloaded - and I always have a hard time with that.

  11. My two bobs worth - this hooked me as is! There are lots of things you could add, but ultimately I think they would just bog down something that is beautifully simple and still gives the reader a great feel for how this book is going to read.

    Great voice. Well done.

  12. Thanks KayC! :-)

    And thanks to everyone who has left their comments and compliments - they are all very much appreciated!

  13. Neat premise, but since these powers are quite unusual, I think you could make things a bit stronger by giving some flavour on these powers, maybe an example on how they save the world (or not) with lead or hydrogen.