TITLE: Becoming Mom
GENRE: Adult Fiction
When a wanna-be mom with mommy issues adopts a traumatized toddler from Ethiopia her beliefs about children, parenting and herself will be challenged. Haunted by her own family secrets, the traumas of the past threaten to destroy the family of her future.
I think 'mom and 'mommy issues' are too repetitive so close together.
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence is vague - we all have past secrets and traumas. What is it exactly that could threaten her future (present?) family, and what kind of threat?
May want to use the adoptive mom's first name to make it more personal.
I was a little confused by the first sentence here, but it may just be the wanna-be mom with mommy issues -- comes off a little repetitive and makes me wonder what exactly mommy issues are. Like issues with her own mother clouding her parenting of the new child?
ReplyDeleteHaunted by her family secrets... haunting is a strong word, so the secrets probably need to be big, and I think it might lend to the interest to get just a little of what kind of secrets they are.
Thank you so much for the feedback.
ReplyDeleteWould something like this read better?
Tory (not Victoria thank you very much), wants nothing more than to become a mother. When she finally brings home her daughter, Bethlehem, from Ethiopia, Bethlehem’s rages brought on by a history of trauma bring Tory’s childhood secrets of abuse to the surface. Physically and emotionally beaten, she must find a way to overcome her past or risk losing everything she loves.
Your modified logline definitely has more emotional specificity (and impact), but I see a couple of questions raised by the phrasing.
ReplyDelete- "brings home her daughter" doesn't indicate Bethlehem is adopted like in the first logline. She could've just been living in another country.
- since in this version we don't know she's adopted, we might question who caused Bethlehem's trauma (even wondering if it was Tory).
- I don't know if the "(not Victoria...)" comment fits tonally with the rest. It reads lighter, whereas the rest of the logline is very dark in tone.
- "Physically... beaten" - as this appears to be occuring in the present, is she beaten by Bethlehem, who is a toddler? Beaten seems an extreme word to use for the injuries sustained during a 2-year-olds tantrums.
As always, this is all just MHO. Please take or disregard as you will :-)
I agree with A.M above, this does read more insistent and gives the story a bit more oomph.
ReplyDeleteYour revision is a lot better but you need to make your goal more tangible as we cannot see "overcome her past". What does she ACTUALLY need to do in order for this story to be done?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Thank you so much for all the feedback. I will keep polishing and fine tuning. Your comments have also given me some new ideas for a title.
ReplyDeleteA.M. - Sadly with children suffering from complex developmental trauma extreme violence does occur. There are thousands of mothers walking around battered and bruised by their children. In the media you only hear about the cases where the parents hit breaking point and turn on the kids, shipping them back on planes or abusing/murdering their children. Unlike what most parents face with normal tantrums, a RAD or PTSD Rage is a totally different and very distructive event, even at the hands of a 2 year old.
Piper - I honestly wasn't aware of that. While I have heard of extreme violence associated with adult cases of PTSD, I wasn't familiar of that reaction in children. Poor babies :-(
ReplyDeleteOne interesting thing I read about PTSD - recent studies suggest playing simple video games right after a trauma may prevent it. Due to the way shortterm memory transitions to longterm memory, playing something like Tetris can disrupt the creation of the extremely vivid memories associated with PTSD.
It may sound silly to imagine paramedics carrying around portable video games, but anything that could prevent longterm trauma is good in my book :-)
Yes, PTSD is very complicated in children, much more so than in adults. Particularly complex trauma in children who have been adopted and faced multiple traumas often spread over many months or years, for example: poor prenatal care, malnurishment, abuse, loss of birth mother, institutional care, traumatic hospitalizations/medical care (think 3rd world medical care), and multiple moves that include loss of familiar faces and often language. For these children the traumas are also faced alone without the stability and help of a reliable parent figure during very important formative years.
ReplyDeleteThe brain development in children exposed to complex developmental trauma is severely affected often resulting in a lifetime of challenges.
It is such a little known issue, but it affects many families. It is my hope my novel will help start some much needed discussions and help a few families feel a little less alone.
Thank you again for helping me develop my logline. I will keep working on it.
First of all, congrats on writing about such a difficult and important topic. Child abuse and its consequences are of high importance and I truly wish you the best with this book, hoping it will raise some awareness. I like the second logline and don't really need much more info. It has everything that I need to know before I decide whether this book is for me. Good luck!
ReplyDelete