TITLE: The Chestnut Maid
GENRE: YA Fantasy
When assassins murder his look-alike cousin by mistake and declare King Cornelius dead, the royal teen disguises himself to seek vengeance and reclaim his throne. When Anna-Maria, his nearly betrothed, crosses his path, he foolishly offers to smuggle the desperate girl across the Verdboyne border. Anna-Maria soon prefers ‘Neil the Fiddler’ to her uptight fiancé and Cornelius must choose between romance and revenge… for his crown is settling more firmly upon the usurper’s brow.
I like this, but it's too long and complicated. I think you could leave out the whole bit about smuggling Anna-Maria, and skip straight ahead to where she's going to fall for someone else and Cornelius has to balance his priorities. Poor guy, what a choice! I'd go for the crown, the girl seems a little fickle ;)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely interesting, definitely too much going on ;-)
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like something I would very much enjoy (I'm already feeling for Cornelius - uptight or not, he's having a bad week), but there's too many details for a short logline.
Thanks for sharing - it sounds like fun!
Streamline & rephrase to get rid of some of the complexity. There is a lot going on here, especially at the start of the second sentence. But it certainly sounds like an exciting and conflicting story to read:)
ReplyDeleteThis is the author...thanks for your feedback! I guess for some it wasn't clear that Cornelius and 'Neil' are the same person. Have to work on that. Any suggestions for streamlining?
ReplyDelete(The romance is a major part of the story.)
Oops, no, I didn't realize they were the same.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like:
"When young King Cornelius' throne is violently seized, he disguises himself and immediately sets out to seek vengeance and reclaim his birthright. A good plan, if only he didn't have to save his betrothed first - and if only she wasn't falling for his peasant alter-ego."
Obviously, that's not in your voice or style, but just a thought on how to structure it to make it shorter :-)
To A.M. Perkins:
ReplyDeleteOoo! I like! Thanks for sharing! Any help is appreciated! :)
I like it. I'd play up the romance more too.
ReplyDeleteHow is this:
ReplyDeleteBeaten, beggared and certain he survived an assassination attempt, once-carefree King Cornelius must disguise himself to pursue the blackguard who steals his throne. His path crosses that of the prickly princesa to whom he was nearly betrothed and she becomes enamoured with his peasant alter-ego. Cornelius must choose between romance and revenge, for each day his crown settles more firmly upon the usurper’s brow.
Better?
Hmmm, I think this is still too long and a little convoluted. I liked Dayspring's suggestion to basically cut the middle bit out and just go with the start and finish.
ReplyDeleteSomething like "When assassins murder his look-alike cousin by mistake, xxx-year-old King Cornelius disguises himself to seek vengeance and reclaim his throne. But when his fiance starts falling for his alter-ego he has to choose between romance and revenge."
All wrapped up in 37 words and covers all the important issues. This is also pretty much still your voice because I have just cut and pasted most of your original words.
This sounds like a great story. Good luck.
Thanks KayC.
ReplyDeleteI like what you have done with it. :)
Amelia, the revision is a lot better but it still needs more than a choice for obstacles. What does he actually need to do in order to win and what happens if it takes him too long to do it?
ReplyDeleteHolly
Don't know if anyone is even reading these anymore. But here's my latest version:
ReplyDeleteBeaten, beggared and left on foreign soil, once-carefree King Cornelius disguises himself to pursue the blackguard who steals his throne. However, the prickly princesa to whom he was nearly betrothed soon becomes his travelling companion, unaware of his identity or his quest. As he struggles homeward, Cornelius must juggle the blossoming romance with his goal of revenge, for with each day his crown settles more firmly upon the usurper’s brow.
Ah, murder and mayhem, disguises, a princess with 'tude, and I'm hoping a sword fight or two- my kinda book!
ReplyDeleteI like what AM and KC did with it, but Holly's right, it still needs something. What, I don't know. Thank goodness I don't write loglines for a living- I'd starve! I think your revision is still too complicated. Step back and simplify, make it something you can easily rattle off, should you become trapped in an elevator with your dream agent. As of now, it's hard to read out loud. You may have to dump some of the Queen's English and go modern to get it to work, but I think that'd be okay; I think loglines are to get the main idea with a hint of personality across.
"When assassins murder his look-alike cousin by mistake, xxx-year-old King Cornelius disguises himself as a commoner to seek vengeance and reclaim his throne. But when the princess who was picked to be his royal match falls for his alter ego, Cornelius must decide which path to take- to live forever in disguise with the woman he loves, or to complete his revenge and win back his crown.
Don't know if that's any simpler, but it's the best you're getting out of me tonight! Good luck- can't wait to read about the sword fights with the first-hand experience!!!