Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #16

GENRE: Alt Historical YA

When Beatrix becomes next-of-kin to her pirating grandfather, she inherits not only his crimes, but a one-way trip to Gallows Point. Dodging pirate hunters, she flees to her father’s ship, only to discover he disappeared weeks before while attempting to exonerate all pirate-kin. With the help of Boone, a young jack-of-all-trades given the dreaded punishment of watching over her, Beatrix must oust her father’s traitor before his kraken-sized grudge seals the fate of all pirate-kin.


  1. I got a little confused between the grandfather and father. How is she the next of kin if her father is still alive? I do like the part about Boone and the dreaded chore of taking care of her.
    Also like the kraken-sized grudge.

  2. Personally, I love pirate stories, and this one definitely sounds interesting, but this may be a bit long for a logline (I'm certainly no expert, so please take this with a grain of salt).

    Perhaps a bit of pruning is in order - for example, I don't know that Boone is necessary here. Pare it down to the barest essentials (like "Beatrix becomes a pirate and has to find a traitor), then slowly add back the details you need to give it that oomph and flavor.

    FYI: in the United States (the term does have differing meanings in different countries), next-of-kin simply means closest relative. One would not become a next-of-kin upon the death of a relative, though they would often say they are looking for the next-of-kin under those circumstances.

    Also, is the concept of "inheriting crimes" historical or unique to your world? (I'm honestly curious)

  3. Sounds interesting, I’d echo the previous comments. But also tell us something interesting about Beatrix? What kind of person is she? Then what is her quest and who stands in her way (more specific)?

  4. Thanks for the feedback! I've noticed that mine is on the long side compared to the others. Yikes! I'm already seeing how I can cut it down and make things a lot more clear.

    And no, the concept is not based on historical fact. ;)

    Thanks again!

  5. This sounds great, full of action and drama. I was also confused about the next of kin/pirate-kin thing. Love the one way trip to Gallows Point and the kraken-sized grudge. So many words with hyphens tho ;-)

  6. The beginning is a little long and you aren't establishing your goal until almost the end, but overall this covers what it needs to.

    Good luck!