Wednesday, October 24, 2012

October Secret Agent #1

TITLE: The Lights in the Sky are Stars
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Evie is five years old.

At first the sound seems like it comes from inside the room, but we have no cuckoo clocks or wind chimes or music boxes with ballerinas dancing. And, Lucy hasn’t woken. I see her now. Her hands are tucked underneath her bandaged cheek, eyelashes resting. In the night, we pulled aside the curtain that divides our room so that we could whisper to one another, pink bed to purple bed.

Lucy, you look very peaceful. You’ll be better in a couple of weeks. You’ll leave me and another girl will take your place, but you’ll be better.

If only you had heard it. That sound. It shivered in my heart, twinkle, twinkle, like the stars in the sky. But, it’s gone now. Maybe it didn’t even exist. Maybe it belonged to a dream.

It had been a beautiful sound.

A chime.

A calling…

I don’t want to fall asleep.

No…

Don’t want to go to sleep…

Wait.

There it is again.

Loud, from outside the room.

Excuse me, Kitty and Panda, I have to go. Excuse me soft little friends; I have to get out of bed. My room has a carpet, sewn by my grandma before she went away, so the floor isn’t cold when I tumble from the bed, stuffed animals flying out beside me.

I tip toe across the room. I mustn’t wake Lucy. Tomorrow is a big day for Lucy says Mama. Lucy will have her broken heart fixed.

6 comments:

  1. First off, LOVE the title. While it's not vital to have the perfect title at the querying stage, a great one definitely catches attention. So bravo there.

    I'm not generally a fan of prologues or starting with an event however many years in the past before jumping to the present and/or start of the story, but it works in this case because it captures the feel and voice of the character, and doesn't just impart information that could be introduced slowly throughout the first few chapters. I'd definitely read more.

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  2. I love the writing. Beautiful - "eyelashes resting." It's very sweet and feels precious.

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  3. I have to agree about the title. To me it says the characters are robbed of such a basic knowledge. It gets me thinking: What if I didn't know what the lights in the sky were? What a life that would be.

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  4. Evie is five years old.

    Not sure this is a hooking sentence. Maybe describe the sound more and/or how the MC reacts. Is it heart pounding, body tensing, curiosity, something else?

    So the sound is like a cuckoo clock? I'd like to know who the MC is and what the sound is.


    I think if you clarify that, I'd be more hooked.

    This sentence is terrific: I see her now. Her hands are tucked underneath her bandaged cheek, eyelashes resting. In the night, we pulled aside the curtain that divides our room so that we could whisper to one another, pink bed to purple bed.
    Maybe start with this paragraph?

    Lucy, you look very peaceful. You’ll be better in a couple of weeks. You’ll leave me and another girl will take your place, but you’ll be better.

    Okay, so the sound is a chime.


    The following paragraph is also intriguing. Consider using it for a starting paragraph: I tip toe across the room. I mustn’t wake Lucy. Tomorrow is a big day for Lucy says Mama. Lucy will have her broken heart fixed.

    Some great writing here. Keep working on this.

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  5. Initially I was really confused by the POV here. I presume it is Evie telling the story, so maybe just have the first line be 'I am five years old' and it'd be far clearer. Once I got my head round that, I liked this. It's original and very intriguing (is it some kind of home where girls come to have broken hearts mended?), and the voice is unusual. Good luck!

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