Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #14

TITLE: Machenwood
GENRE: Fantasy (Romance)

Ana McShay used to believe in fairy tales.

But, the potato famine came to Ireland, leaving her a nineteen year old, homeless widow with no means of support, and no faith in such things. But,all that changes when Ana finds herself stuck in an alternative reality and is forced to accept the characters she'd convinced herself were fantasy might actually exist.

And, one of them just may hold the key to saving her dying son.


  1. I like the premise and the timeframe. The 'such things' don't connect clearly back to fairy tales and mythical beings, though.

    Couple of minor grammatical points - the commas after 'But' and 'And' at the start of sentences are unnecessary, and 19-year-old should be hyphenated for easier reading.

  2. This sounds really promising. :) Agree with the "19-year-old" comment.

  3. I think this could be stronger with a little reorganization. The first two sentences could probably be merged ("When the potato famine came to Ireland and bad stuff happened, she stopped believing in fairy tales"). A dying son is wonderful stakes, though, and what really gives this its punch.

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  5. You are taking 3 sentences to get to the inciting incident. The rest of this is an implied goal with no obstacles. Try to re-word using the formula so you make sure you aren't missing the essentials.

    Good luck!

  6. The MC's goal is to save her dying son. What are the obstacles? Ana's belief or doubt about fairies is secondary, I think. A little bit of rewrite focusing on the obstacles would make this a great logline.