Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #17

TITLE: MOONHILL
GENRE: YA Contemporary Gothic

In a gothic tale of love and revenge, a teenage antique picker must return to her ancestral home and ally with estranged family to save her beloved father from the grip of dementia. But the danger isn’t what it seems and it will take more than her shrewd bargaining skills or the help of a stealthy security guard to rescue her father and protect her family from this self-inflicted and otherworldly brand of crazy.



7 comments:

  1. I didn't get how the protag could "cure" dementia until the last few words. I think you could leave out the guard. And also the protect her family bit, unless the "otherworldly brand of crazy" is contagious.

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  2. You can pare a few words to make it sparkle more. "Beloved," is implied, since she's trying so hard to help her father, and as mentioned above, the security guard doesn't add anything.

    This sounds like an interesting premise. Best wishes!

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  3. You've got an intriguing set-up and likable protagonist. I'd aim for more clarity in the second sentence. How is her family in danger?
    I also questioned how one could be rescued from dementia, unless there is some fantastic new drug.

    Your logline pulled me in. Good luck!

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  4. nteresting, I like Gothic, castles and such. I’d try to trim and become more specific as to the quest and antagonist. Also something about the character of the protage would be nice. Good start!
    Maybe:
    A teenage antique picker must return to her ancestral home (to do or get what) and save her father from the grip of dementia. But the danger isn’t what it seems and (who opposes her and how)

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  5. It would help if you started by telling us why she must do this NOW (what incites the goal). It's also unclear how she can rescue him from a disease with no cure or how bargaining and a security guard would help. Finally, "otherworldly" makes me think you're going SciFi but this says it's contemp so I'm not sure.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  6. Sounds like a really good read! I'd consider dropping the "in a gothic tale of love and revenge" part - only b/c we know it's gothic, and b/c it's better to show love and revenge. Love that the MC is an antique picker! Maybe use her name and specific age instead of "teenage".

    I love the bit about the "self-inflicted and otherworldly brand of crazy". It lets us know that his dementia isn't what it seems, and that makes me want to read the book! :)

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