Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #32

TITLE: The Ones
GENRE: YA Sci Fi

Turns out it’s not just the class bad boy’s deep, sensitive eyes making high school junior Mina Gale so obsessed: They’re numerological soulmates; rare and powerful ‘double elevens.’ When their Physics professor harnesses their energy to open doors between eleven parallel universes, the pair is thrust from reality as we know it. Now, they must find their way home--in spite of the holes that keep ripping in the fabric between dimensions when they kiss.


17 comments:

  1. Ooooo! I like it. Good conflict between getting home and giving in to desire.

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  2. This sounds clever and compelling. Very intriguing!

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  3. Premise is great! But I think the hook could use a bit of tightening and some copy edits. Right now, the "They're" refers to the boy's eyes and Mina, not the boy himself. I think trying to tell us they are "double elevens" is too much and potentially confusing.

    When high school junior Mina and the class bad boy kiss, the world is torn apart. Literally. As rare and powerful numerological soul mates, Mina and the boy punch holes in the fabric between dimensions each time their lips touch. When their physics professor harnesses their energy to...the pair is thrust from reality as we know it. Now they must find their way home.

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  4. I think you nailed it! Sounds fun! :)

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  5. Love the premise! Sounds like there will be lots of fine details to build a really good story:)

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  6. Great premise. If a logline is intended as a one sentence hook, I think this is plenty.

    High school junior Mina and the class bad boy discover they rare and powerful numerological soul mates who can punch holes in the fabric between dimensions each time their lips touch.

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  8. Great premise...love the issues outlined so succinctly.

    A little nitpick tightening to consider:
    Turns out the bad boy's deep, sensitive eyes aren't the only thing driving high school junior Mina's obsession with him. The two of them are numerological soul mates. When their Physics professor harnesses their energy, the pair is thrust into parallel universes. Now they must (all the rest the same as you have it).

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  9. Love so powerful that it burns holes in the fabric of the universe - what fun for young passion to be that intense. I find I am a bit bored by all the Sci-Fi out there, by the weird and goofy names, the displaced kings and queens trying to regain their thrones, and all the missing links lost in various time warps. This is a refreshing idea and I'd enjoy reading more.

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  10. Thank you, Anonymous--that's exactly what I'm going for! And thanks to everyone who posted their very helpful thoughts above. I'm still tinkering but I think it's getting closer. I truly appreciate everyone's input.

    Turns out Mina Gayle's thing for the class bad boy really was more than just a crush. The two high school juniors are rare and powerful numerological soul mates with the ability to travel between eleven different dimensions when the clock strikes 11:11. Now, thrust from reality as we know it, they must find their way home. If only holes would stop ripping in the fabric of space each time they kissed, well, that would probably help...

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  11. Robyn, I may be in the minority here, but I think your first version was better. I don't think you need any of the elevens (either dimension or time - I know it may be important to the story, but I don't know if it's integral to the logline.) I also don't like the "well, that would probably help" at the end.

    I liked L.A. Gold's version above, although I think it needed a stake at the end, like "now they must find their way home (before they're stuck in another dimension forever? before their teacher closes the way home? ???)

    Good luck, Robyn.

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  12. I like your revision better but I think you need to try to keep it in her POV. It's confusing to establish her but then make the goal and journey theirs.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  13. Watch for punctuation issues; I see some missing hyphens and you don't need to capitalize after a colon. I think you have all the elements, but it can be streamlined. I would skip the not only his his eyes stuff and simply say: Mina and x(bad boy) are numerological soulmates: rare and powerful double elevens, which means x. When their physics professor etc..

    when you say the pair is thrust from reality, follow up with where they land--another universe? alternate dimension? Being specific helps a lot to get the wider arc of your story.

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  14. I have to say, I like your original the best. I like the whole can't-have-what-you-want-or-you'll-rip-apart-the-universe vibe.
    The only thing that threw me off was the line "...thrust from reality as we know it." It felt like we were suddenly out of their world and into ours. I wonder if you should write "as they know it."
    Great job and good luck!

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  15. Thanks, all! So interesting to hear all these different perspectives. Though I see a common thread. Perhaps something like..

    High school junior Mina Gale and Nico Payne, the class bad boy, are numerological soul mates; rare and powerful ‘double elevens.’ When a Physics professor harnesses their energy to force open the doors between eleven parallel universes, the pair is accidentally thrust into another dimension. Now, they must somehow find their way home--in spite of the holes that keep ripping in the fabric of space each time they kiss.

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