Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice. Works for me. Although, I do worry about the plethora of reluctant teenage superheros.
This is very good. It would be great if you could squeeze in a hint of what kind of superpowers she has. If I read this, I would definitely open the book and read the jacket flap to find out more.
This is really good, but I want to know what superpowers she has. It would make it a lot more unique to you.
I agree that you might want to mention what makes this different from all the other teenage superheroes with unstable powers.
This is great. Might want to be more specific about what her unstable powers are. The sentence is clean, simple, and compelling.
This feels vague to me. I'm not sure why she's dodging bounty hunters, what her 'unstable powers' are, and if it's the powers or the bounty hunters that want to destroy her.
I'm sold, but then I'm a sucker for teenage superheroes. I'd like to know what makes this story unique. Other than being a reluctant teenage superhero, what defines the MC?
I agree with what's been said. It's good, but doesn't show what makes it unique. You've got room to add a bit about why this one's different. :)
Is is okay and straight to the point, your skills on being brief certainly surpass my own...however, I'm left with no excitement or need to read the book. I'd add another sentence just touch on more of the high stakes involved here. ;-)
Actually, I'm okay with not knowing the powers. This is a logline, not a pitch. You have something about the character, the conflict, the plot and the stakes. My only point is gramaticaly, and that is the way the sentence is structure, "they" almost reads like the bounty hunters instead of her powers.Good job. I'd read this.
This is a good base line. Now show how it's unique. Set it apart from every other superhero story out there.Good luck. :D
I really would like to see something that separates this from all of the others. Make it a bit less generic.
Thanks so much to everyone who commented. Everyone was right on with their comments, pretty much mirrowing my own frustrations with it :)Is the following better or too clunky?A reluctant teenage superhero races to harness her unstable powers before they destroy her. She’s almost out of time, chased by bounty hunters intent on bringing her to another dimension they insist she belongs to.
I like the fist one better. It's a great beginning. Now what makes your story different? What is the MAIN conflict, the idea that her powers may destroy her or that someone wants to drag her to another dimension? The way it reads now, it sounds like not letting her powers destroy her is the main conflict, but then in the second one it sounds more like the other dimension thing. How about:A reluctant teenager races to harness her unstable powers so that she can fight a pack of bounty hunters intent on dragging her to another dimension.Or something along those lines. It is rough and doesn't really say what's wrong with the other dimension. But maybe it helps?Anyway, I would read this. Good luck!!!
I prefer the first one, mainly because it's more concise. Here is one possible solution: can the powers be grouped together into one super power? That way you can use "it" in your first logline and avoid the confusion with "they."
I agree with everyone above, I want to know what her powers are. Also, maybe a bit about the world. Who are these bounty hunters and why are they hunting her? Perhaps something like..."In a world where _____ is outlawed, a reluctant teenage superhero dodges bounty hunters and races to harness her unstable ______ powers before they destroy her."
Does your MC have any quirks? Besides being, as everyone said, a run-of-the-mill reluctant superhero? Whatever it is that makes her special and interesting as a character might help you tell us what it is that sets this story apart from others like it.
A teenage superhero must harness her unstable powers before they destroy her. No biggie - except for the interdimensional bounty hunters, hell bent on dragging her to her "rightful" dimension. But don't go with the 'In a world where...' I've seen SO many agents hating on that lately.
Oooooohhh. I really like Feaky Snucker. Now that is definitely something I would pick up.
Thanks Feaky! I think with everyone's comments I will definitely have something good to use. I appreciate the help!
I love the idea of dodging bounty hunters, but I'd like to know why they're chasing her, as well as at least a hint about what her unstable powers are. Nicely done.
This is way too vague. First, you need something to incite this story. Why does this happen now? Next, you need a more tangible and specific goal. I can't see when "harness her unstable powers" ends so how do I engage in that? Finally, you need some kind of motivation behind your antagonist forces. Why do they want to destroy her?This is just a tidbit but I would recommend you avoid the word "reluctant". She may be reluctant but we don't want to see that in your logline.Good luck!Holly