Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #27

TITLE: Chickadee
GENRE: Realistic Young Adult

If anyone asks, 16-year-old Emma is straight, but when she falls for her beautiful foreign exchange student she has to decide what’s more important, her status as a straight girl, or her relationship with Maja.



12 comments:

  1. This is interesting, and you've set the stage well. Are here higher stakes that could be hinted at? Your lead in, "If anyone asks" makes her straight status important, but not a huge deal. Perhaps she fears the school she loves would expell her if she "comes out," or her parents would disown her, etc. The logline is well written, nice tease, just might want to ramp up the stakes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Agree. I like it fine, but it doesn't sparkle. Maybe a detail about Emma and/or her love interest would make it pop?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you need a bit more clarity. Skywriter thinks she's afraid to come out. I don't get that. I think she's reticent to be friends to be friends with someone who is gay for fear of being ostracized. You hint at the problem by don't come right out and say it.

    This could be a great topic for YA readers. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree with upping the stakes. Does she have a current boyfriend? Family and friends that might not understand her choice?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Skywriter is right, she's afraid to admit she's gay, much less come out. I absolutely need to up the stakes. Thanks! (Hmm. Are we allowed to comment back? Maybe I should be anonymous... )

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree, up the stakes! What will happen if she comes out as gay? Lose her inheritance? Her popularity? What?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think you might need to convey a sense of why it's so important to Emma to be perceived as straight - what would she lose if everyone finds out otherwise? That would set up why she would consider picking status over the girl she loves.

    Sounds like a good read! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. We need more than a decision in the end here. What does she actually need to do? Chances are that the book doesn't end until she either breaks off the relationship or comes out. That is her focus, not the actual decision. Once you've established this, you need to strengthen the conflicts that will make either of these actions difficult (for example, losing her friends/family or losing the love of her life.)

    Good luck!
    Holly

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great topic for YA. Mention the stakes and instead of a decision at the end just mention what is at risk. Good luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is a compelling premise, I like the tie-in with the exchange student. I think you should show the larger stakes; what does she risk if her sexuality is exposed? Will she lose her spot on sports team, will she be bullied, will her family disown her? Something more to show the stakes will help beyond just coming out (which is important but in a book more should be at stake).

    ReplyDelete
  11. What Stephsco said: how will coming out of the closet truly affect Emma? Are her parents religious fundamentals who will disown her? Do her friends make gay jokes? Is she a member of the Young Republicans? A popular cheerleader dating the head jock? Inquiring minds want to know!

    We also want to read the book!!!

    ReplyDelete