Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #33

TITLE: BIRTHRIGHT
GENRE: New Adult, Space Opera, 86,000 words

Seventeen year old Olwen Pendragon is forced to resign from the office of presidency after her power-hungry sister, Anna exposes Olwen as a Selchie (half-seal/half human) since only humans are allowed to hold office. Exiled to work on a spaceship as a translator and embroiled in a deadly war, Olwen vows to return to the office of presidency and restore peace despite Anna’s continuing attacks against her.

19 comments:

  1. When seventeen-year-old Olwen Pendragon's power hungry sister gets her sacked from the office of the presidency due to the fact that she's only half human, Olwen vows to return and avert the war from which her sister stands to gain.

    I'd start from what's above. Questions I still have are: what is the office of the presidency? I first imagined an intern position, as this is a seventeen year old. If not, why is a seventeen year old president? Also, who started the war, was it Anna? Right now the grammar of your sentence says that Olwen is embroiled in a deadly war, but I'm guessing it's actually Earth, or certain nations embroiled in the war, as Olwen is exiled. Hope this helps.

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  2. Thanks. Yeah, it was Anna who starts the war and Olwen is president because she's the eldest and their father, who was the president, just died. A fact that riles Anna so much so she vows to destroy Olwen.

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  3. Unless you're D.J. MacHale, I would seriously, seriously rethink using the last name Pendragon for at least the next five or ten years...

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  4. I like the shortened version Mark Andreas suggested, and I think you could drop the last name in the logline.

    I am wondering about the phrase "office of the presidency" and maybe say "president of ..."

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  5. There's a lot going in here in just the few sentences you've crafted, and I got a bit lost after "Selchie." It is possible for this to be more concise, but still include conflict - just rework it and eliminate the extra words. "office of the presidency" doesn't need to be in twice, and I'd even consider cutting it to just "president." The concept is the same w/ just using that one word. Forcing yourself to use fewer words will also make the conflict/drama have more impact...I know you can do it!

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  6. Okay, what about this?

    After her father’s untimely death, seventeen-year old, Olwen takes over as president of the Zemele System. Her power hungry sister forces her to resign since Olwen is half-human. Olwen resolves to return to office and avert the interplanetary war her sister has started despite her sister’s vow to destroy her.

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  7. Kathleen, I like your revised version, but I think it's still lacking the urgency usually seen in loglines.

    Maybe a simple tweak, like : "After her father’s untimely death, seventeen-year old, Olwen takes over as president of the Zemele System. When her power hungry sister forces her to resign because Olwen is half-human, Olwen resolves to return to office and avert the interplanetary war her sister has started - even if it means risking her life to do it." Or something like that. I think you're really close. Good luck!

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  8. Thanks, that's much better. I appreciate the help!

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  9. The revision is better but it is inciting a vow, not a goal and we need to see both her actual goal and its clear obstacles. You have these here but you've written them in a way that requires that we dig for them a bit.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  10. Another try but I keep adding in more. Sigh.

    After her father’s untimely death, as the eldest, seventeen-year old, Olwen takes over as president of the Zemele System. But half-human Olwen has a secret, one that could destroy her. Her power hungry sister forces her to resign, takes over the presidency and forces Olwen into exile. She takes a job on a spaceship bound for the outer planets. As the planets are embroiled in an interplanetary war her sister has started, Olwen resolves to stop her sister despite her sister’s threats to attack her again and this time, kill her if she interferes.

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  11. Sorry, Kathleen but I think this one is reading more like a synopsis. I think you could go back to the second version and/or my earlier re-write and just add a line to change it from a vow to an action.

    "After her father’s untimely death, seventeen-year old, Olwen takes over as president of the Zemele System. When her power hungry sister forces her to resign because Olwen is half-human, Olwen (insert specific action here) in order to return to office and avert the interplanetary war her sister has started - even if it means risking her life to do it."

    Good luck.

    PS I'm having the worst trouble writing my own logline, so know that you're not alone out there :)

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  12. Yes, I got some of it from the synopsis. LOL. Loglines are hard! I'll keep tweaking it though. Thanks so much for your help. Which logline is yours K?

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  13. Here is the revision with your suggestions.
    After her father’s untimely death, seventeen-year old, Olwen takes over as president of the Zemele System. When her power hungry sister forces her to resign because Olwen is half-human, Olwen enlists help from someone she is forbidden to interact with in order to return to office and avert the interplanetary war her sister has started - even if it means risking her life to do it.

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  14. It's getting better, Kathleen. How about the following adjustments "only half-human" "must enlist help" and maybe a more specific phrase than "someone she is forbidden to interact with." I think you're really close.

    Oh, and my logline didn't get picked, that's part of why I'm struggling :D

    Good luck.

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  15. I just read this! I too am writing a novel about a human-seal hybrid. Maybe this will be the next big thing in 2014!

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  16. I just like the term "space opera"! Guess I'm going to have to read one to find out whet they are, so hurry up and get this puppy published! :)

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  17. Okay, new version:

    After her father’s untimely death, seventeen-year old, Olwen takes over as president of the Zemele System. Anna, her power hungry sister forces half-human Olwen to resign. In order to return to office and avert the interplanetary war her sister has started she must enlist the help of Varrkanka, the planet of Weres who would love nothing more than to taste her seal flesh- even if it means risking her life.

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  18. Kathleen, I like the new specifics. I have more option to suggest:

    After her father’s untimely death, seventeen-year old, Olwen takes over as president of the Zemele System. When her power hungry sister forces her to resign because Olwen is only half-human, Olwen will do anything to return to office and avert the interplanetary war her sister has started, even if it means teaming up with a planet full of Weres who want to eat her.

    Good luck!

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