TITLE: Cutting Dandelions
GENRE: YA Contemporary Paranormal
Asia’s troubles began way before she created an enemy by slashing the face of her dad’s loan shark with the touch of her hand, and even before the day—years ago—her mom never returned home. Asia’s troubles are ancient. Perilous. Now she must unveil her family’s secrets, struggle to manipulate her volatile powers, and use these abilities to save the one person capable of helping her forgive her parents.
Hmmm. I like the struggling with her powers and trying to harness them so she can forgive her parents. I think a little more about the person she's trying to save would be great. It's hard to squeeze it all in there, I know. But I wonder if you trimmed a teensy bit at the front end then you could have more room at the end to show why this goal is so important.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea why she needs to forgive her parents? You use a lot of words, but I have a very vague sense of what's going on. tell me what the ancient power is, and due to that, what the MC must accomplish, and what will happen if she fails. Leave out the loan shark slashing business, that's a minor detail. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm also confused...You might think about using the first sentence to state why Asia (love the name, btw) has ancient powers, and the second to set up why they're perilous. I'm not clear on either.
ReplyDeleteI like this, but am thinking you should start with "Asia's troubles are ancient."
ReplyDeletei.e. "Asia's troubles are ancient and perilous. After slashing the face of her dad's loan shark with the touch of her hand, manipulating her volatile powers and unveilng the family's secrets are just the beginning ..."
Or something like that - Best of luck to you!
Thank you so much for all your fantastic logline critiques!
ReplyDeleteHow's this?------>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Asia’s troubles are ancient, and since her mom took off years ago, Asia has to unveil her family’s secrets alone. She merely brushes the surface of her new powers when she accidentally scars her dad’s loan shark with the touch of her hand. Now she must struggle to control her volatile powers before she can use them to save her foster mom, the only person who can help her forgive her parents.
I love the rewrite. We get a bit more info although I am not sure if we need all the info and details in a logline. For example we don't know what it is she has to forgive her parents for but I trust you have it figured out so all I need is a hook. You certainly gave me that. I am interested!
ReplyDeleteI love the rewrite. We get a bit more info although I am not sure if we need all the info and details in a logline. For example we don't know what it is she has to forgive her parents for but I trust you have it figured out so all I need is a hook. You certainly gave me that. I am interested!
ReplyDeleteI love the rewrite. We get a bit more info although I am not sure if we need all the info and details in a logline. For example we don't know what it is she has to forgive her parents for but I trust you have it figured out so all I need is a hook. You certainly gave me that. I am interested!
ReplyDeleteThe rewrite is better but you are still dancing around the goal until the end and you need to come right out and tell us what it is and why she needs it. Also, I'd suggest you explain why she has a foster mother if her dad is still in the picture.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
The thing I'm struggling with is that you say her troubles are ancient, but you don't define them. What troubles? (The ones you mention are that she's in a foster home and her father has a loan shark which are not ancient problems.) Are her uncontrolled powers the problem? If so, what is their ancient source? I think focusing on that would be a more powerful hook. Then tell us what she wants to accomplish and what the obstacles are.
ReplyDelete