Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Logline Critique Round Two #40

TITLE: HighBorn: The Genesis List

When sixteen-year-old genius Rosina Casperelli finds a glowing young man in the alley behind St. Catherine's, she learns quickly that she can’t keep him hidden from a secret kingdom of super-powered beings called HighBorn. It’s a trifecta of amnesia, angst, and adventure as Zina and her growing circle of friends discover they’re more than just names on the mysterious Genesis List.


  1. I think you have a good start, but it gets vague halfway through. Maybe stop the first sentence at "keep him hidden" then follow with a sentence on the stakes that includes the HighBorn.

    Good Luck!

  2. This is an interesting logline, and the idea of Zina finding a glowing young man and having to protect him is certainly interesting. However, I didn't like how much of this I can't understand; hidden kingdom of supers, mysterious Genesis List. For me, too much info.

    I'm not sure I understand why Zina is important on this Genesis List thing. Surely she's just some girl who happened to find a super?

    Anyway, a good logline. I'd read on.

  3. I like this, sounds creative and interesting, but missing for me is why Zina cares about helping the glowing boy/keeping him hidden.

  4. I like this, sounds creative and interesting, but missing for me is why Zina cares about helping the glowing boy/keeping him hidden.

  5. The first line is pretty long, and I think it could benefit from trimming a bit. Every word counts, so even cutting her last name can help in a logline.

    It might up the stakes if you say why the Highborn are seeking the glowing boy. Are they going to lock him up? Kill him? Study him? Is he one of them who ran away but is in no danger? 'Keeping him hidden' is a lower stake than if we know she's keeping him safe, or alive. In a logline, we need to be specific - we don't have many words.

    Do we need to know about the Genesis list, and all of her friends? Mentioning the friends widens the focus when it should be laser focused on your MC.

    Maybe something like, '16 year old Rosina finds a glowing young man in an alley. Helping him puts her directly in the path of the Highborn - super powered beings intent on killing him. Using her genius intellect for evasion isn't the problem... but the Genesis list is. And Rosina's name is on it.'

    Or something better, but you can see where I'm going with it. I think it just needs a bit of tightening, but even so, I like the sound of the MS:)

  6. This sounds very interesting. I agree that you just need to kick it up a notch with the stakes. What is her ultimate goal? What happens if she doesn't reach it? Nice start though. I like the glowing boy :)

  7. The introductory phrase is great. I'm listening, tell me more, please. The second half of the sentence— blah, muddied.

    Sixteen-year-old genius Rosina Casperelli finds a glowing young man in the alley behind St. Catherine'. . .

    That was enough to hook me, She must hide him from the super-powered beings who want to blah blah blah want to . . .,

    Good start, sounds like something I would read.

  8. It took me a few readings to figure this out. The first statement about Zina hiding him is what I found confusing. It seems like she would know about the HB, but then it seems like she wouldn't. I like your trifecta statement, though, it sets your line apart.

  9. Sorry if I repeat a thought, but I don't want any previous comments to influence my critique.

    I can tell you have a complex world built in this story. But unfortunately that's the only thing I've learned from this logline. There is too much focus on descriptions and not enough focus on the core conflict.

    If the Genesis List is important enough to claim your title, I expect it to be the main focus of your conflict. As is, it's just kind of thrown in there at the end. The pitch focuses more on the glowing boy than anything else. Feels misleading.

    "It's a trifecta of amnesia, angst, and adventure..." This is a bit over-the-top for a logline. I would cut it.

    Good luck. :D

  10. I like the first sentence, but the second half loses me. I don't like the trifecta part, and the 'more than just names on the mysterious Genesis list' just seems vague.

  11. I too find this logline interesting. I agree that the glowing boy part is intriguing but the second part loses my attention. I would go with Feaky Snucker's rewrite (hey Feaky, will you rewrite mine too?) :)

  12. Hm.... why? why should she keep him a secret and why is he so important?

  13. Although a bit wordy, your first sentence isn't bad but it needs to be followed by some kind of goal. What does she need to do once she discovers this boy and this information? And what does being on a list mean? This is too vague to act as a threat and I can't see how it connects to the boy or the HighBorn.

    Also, you've got 2 sentences here. You can't give your MC 2 different names in that little space.

    Good luck!

  14. Thanks to all of you. Fantastic feedback. At this point the logline is pretty much rewritten... including the title. I'm really excited about the new level of focus.
    (I'm ewok's co-writer and coffee-pourer btw)


    It's funny how much easier it is to see clearly when it's not your manuscript. Your thoughts have given us new focus and I really appreciate it! Reworking the logline now but it's still not ready.

    (and thanks for the coffee, david) ;)

  16. How many times can a person rewrite a logline? Aargh