Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #20

TITLE: UNTITLED
GENRE: YA contemporary romantic suspense

Jackie and her cousin, Marcus, have a deal: if things get too complicated or one of them starts dating, they’ll end their non-emotional, best-friends-who-make-out relationship. But Jackie realizes she loves Marcus right when he asks out a new girl at school. When someone slashes Marcus’s tires, and Jackie discovers he might not be her biological cousin, she’ll have to figure out why Marcus is being threatened and win him back before someone really gets hurt.

6 comments:

  1. This is certainly edgy. It made me squirm a little and I'm very liberal... I think the second sentence is bulky. I'd rearrange it to be "When Marcus asks out a new girl, Jackie realizes she really does love him." Also, I'm not sure I'd introduce that he might not be her cousin in the logline. Why give it all away?

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  2. This made me uncomfortable (and I LOVED the are-they-related plot in Veronica Mars as well as Rosoff's How I Live Now.). I think it's because it's a very sophisticated and tricky topic but the logline is reading a little teen romance-y. Also, Rosoff's characters have an awareness that what they're doing is transgressive which isn't coming across here...

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  3. Um, ew! I hope he's a third cousin once removed.

    Aside from that, you should combine your first two lines and you need to find a way to connect the goal with the obstacles as slashing tires doesn't seem to be something that will prevent their love (and winning him back doesn't sound like something that will keep him safe!)

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  4. I agree with Judy about this making me squirm. And that's not a bad thing at all! You definitely got my attention. I think you could up the stakes at the end. "...before someone really gets hurt" is a little vague. If someone is threatening Marcus' life, say that instead. Or, does she think solving the mystery will win him back to her?

    Otherwise, I think you set this up really well. And you manage to work in some voice, too, which is not easy to do in 3 lines! :)

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  5. I thought there was a too much going on here for a logline.

    I'm one of those who would drop the cousin reference in the first sentence. It's not because it made be squirm, but rather that I don't think it actually adds anything.

    I'd trim this to "Jackie and Marcus have a best-friends-who-make-out relationship (I loved this description). But when Marcus starts dating the new girl at school and .......(bad things happen - set the stakes/conflict here, and this should be something more dramatic than having his tyres slashed - you have suspense in genre so I would expect something suspenseful) Jackie realises she wants to be more than best friends. She sets out to ...... (solve the problem) and win back Marcus."

    This is really rough and badly written, but hopefully you get the idea of what I'm trying to say. Boiled down - leave out the stuff we don't need to know and tell us more about the conflict and stakes.

    Good luck

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