TITLE: Remembered
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
Two-hundred thirteen, two-hundred fourteen, two-hundred—
“Mademoiselle Ashford,” Old Maid Travers snapped, her nasal inflection sharp enough to break crystal. Or give AJ a headache.
Feeling one begin to form, AJ dropped her gaze from the holes in the ceiling tiles to the annoyed eyes watching her from behind thick glasses perched on what looked more like a beak than a nose. Beneath that nose, thin—the only part of her teacher that could be called thin—lips frowned. Madame Travers held a textbook open in one thick hand while her other grasped the stapler sitting on the desk at the front of the classroom, which she’d apparently been banging on to get AJ’s attention.
Well, she had it now.
“Yeah, Madame Travers,” AJ said. Whoever made two years of foreign language a requirement for graduation really deserved to be hit with the book Madame Travers held, and the stapler. For good measure.
A few stifled giggles broke out until Madame Travers glared the offenders to silence. “ En francais, s’il vous plait, Mademoiselle Ashford.”
AJ set down her pen. “ Oui, Madame Travers. Comment puis-je vous aider?”
She stumbled over the words, but the sarcastic intent wasn’t missed. With a raised eyebrow, Mrs. Travers launched into a full discourse, during which her French flew so quickly and eloquently, AJ only caught every other word.
And only understood one of every five of those.
Silence hung heavy in the classroom until Madame Travers spoke again. “Daydream on your own time, Miss Ashford.”
I love a snarky teen protagonist! But some things that tripped me up:
ReplyDeleteNot sure why you open on the counting since you don't come back to it in the first 250 words... I wasn't sure if it was the narrator who was counting was AJ, or if AJ was her friend. The "old maid" didn't read as totally authentic to me--seemed a bit old fashioned as opposed to 2012. Also, I don't speak French and I really didn't grasp more of what AJ says back to her teacher.
Just an idea: If the course (or at least A.J.'s snarky reply) was in English then you could show us A.J. is sarcastic instead of having to tell us...
I agree with robyn, another suggestion I'd like to add-- recognize that it's a French class, tag the dialogue as being in French, but have the actual dialogue be translated in English. This way, you don't have the language barrier, and we can see AJ's words as they really are.
ReplyDeleteTake it with a grain of salt, but yeah. I'm curious to know more!
Good job!
I agree with AJ and LT.
ReplyDeleteStarting with dialogue, it's hard to identify with the MC
A couple of run-on sentences here: Feeling one begin to form, AJ dropped her gaze from the holes in the ceiling tiles to the annoyed eyes watching her from behind thick glasses perched on what looked more like a beak than a nose. Beneath that nose, thin—the only part of her teacher that could be called thin—lips frowned. Madame Travers held a textbook open in one thick hand while her other grasped the stapler sitting on the desk at the front of the classroom, which she’d apparently been banging on to get AJ’s attention.
Well, she had it now. Had what now?
“Might read better: And the stapler, for good measure.
Yeah, the French paragraphs are lost on me and I'd put this book down.
A few stifled giggles broke out If they're stiffled, how can they break out?
Although this has great potential, not much is happening so far. Maybe add more of AJ's internal dialogue and/or more tension and action?
Good luck!
I thought this was a nice opening, and you did a great job of setting the scene. Agree that the counting didn't click for me since we don't get resolution for why she is counting in your first 250. I would consider pulling that, unless the explanation is coming quickly.
ReplyDeleteI would also love to know what words she did catch from her teacher's remarks - that could make for a funny moment, and give the reader some insight into the exchange. But overall I thought this was a great beginning. Nice job.
Good scene, but I agree. Put it in English. I hate books that use a foreign language as if everyone in the world reads it. Some of us took Spanish! :-D
ReplyDeleteThe sentence beginning "Whoever made two years...." Should end after held. Then "And the stapler for good measure." The way you have it stops the flow of the whole story, which otherwise flows quite well.
Good job. Good luck.
Think about starting here:
ReplyDeleteAJ dropped her gaze from the holes in the ceiling tiles to the annoyed eyes watching her from behind thick glasses perched on what looked more like a beak than a nose... It will give your scene a better foundation.
I had no problem with the "she had it now" line, I thought it was clever. : )
You really must find a way to translate the french, but I like it written in french for authenticity, as long as it's a short line. Maybe when she's musing about the sarcastic intent, she can translate for us. We don't have to have an exact translation, just an insider's view of the joke. She can think it, along the lines of: It's not like I called her an ugly old woman, unless she missed the accent on ____ . (with whatever works for the actual sarcastic comment's translation -- as you can guess, I have no clue about what she actually said.)
Best wishes!
I love the voice in this piece!
ReplyDeleteI understand the counting, but the first sentence really needs to grab the reader. Having to count at the start of a book might bore and lose some readers right away.
I liked having the French in it but I have no idea what AJ said as her comeback and, therefore, didn't know it was sarcastic. But, I wasn't fond of being told it was sarcastic either, so I would rework that. Also, the teacher speaks in French at first and even goes into a full rant in French, but then switches to English at the end. While I like being able to understand the sentence about her daydreaming on her own time (hence the counting at the beginning), I don't think the teacher would've switched to English just to make the insult understandable.
I did like the Well, she had it now sentence, but not the Or give AJ a headache. I would combine the headache sentence with its following sentence. I think some overall sentence tightening will help.
Thanks for sharing and best of luck!
I like your writing and the scene, but I had two problems - first I thought the description of the French teacher was rather stereotypically witchy, and secondly, not enough happens for a first page. I don't get any idea what this story will be about, and the only thing I've learned about the MC is that she's snarky and doesn't like her teacher, which doesn't make her different to many other teenagers. As I said, I do like the writing, it just feels a bit like a page that would be perfectly fine a bit later in a book, but I want more to go on as an opener. Just my 2 cents, good luck!
ReplyDeleteThere isn’t a lot here to draw me in. She’s daydreaming in class and gets the teacher mad. And she’s not even really daydreaming. She’s counting holes in the ceiling tiles. Isn’t there anything interesting going on in her life that she could be thinking about to draw the reader in? This would be a nice place to introduce the problem.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other who say that you should consider starting it in another place, but my advice is to go for a little more extreme. I think you can skip a lot of this, unless this is the absolute beginning of your book. Which is to say, I'm not convinced it is (unless this book is going to feature this teacher as some special antagonist, this isn't the place). You have great voice, but I think a stronger start could really help here.
ReplyDeleteWhile the writing is solid, I'm not sold on this being the best way to start. I believe there have been two or three other entries (out of fifty) that have led with the main character being bored, often in class. A bored character often leads to a bored reader, so consider something else that might serve as a better opening for the story.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. Good sense of both characters, and great description of the teacher.
ReplyDeleteVery nice blog. Thank you very much for sharing.
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