Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #23

TITLE: Black Friday
GENRE: Horror

Walter Carol sells harvested organs to pay for his little brother’s cancer treatments. When Walter learns his brother needs an immediate bone marrow transplant, Walter must decide whether he can collect a ten-person sum, or steal the O-negative-gold-filled life from the woman he loves.

8 comments:

  1. Liking the idea of the good-guy antagonist, but your last sentence weakens it for me - if she's the woman he loves, why doesn't he just ask her to make a blood donation? I'm sure there's a reason, but revealing it might really help to up the conflict.

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  2. Interesting premise and main character, but I'm with Dayspring. People can donate blood marrow and not die. Why wouldn't Walter just ask her?

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  3. Interesting and good characterization. I agree with previous comments. I was also a little confused by the decision phrase. What does “collect a ten-person sum” mean? And IMO, I’d delete “gold-filled” its so long it obscures the meaning. (assuming you come up with a reason she has to die)

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  4. Works GREAT for me up until — "Walter must decide whether he can collect a ten-person sum, or steal the O-negative-gold-filled life from the woman he loves."

    I got lost with ten-person sum. I'm not sure what this means. Ten organs to get enough money? "O-negative-gold-filled life" is just off a bit, kind of clunky.

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  5. Works GREAT for me up until — "Walter must decide whether he can collect a ten-person sum, or steal the O-negative-gold-filled life from the woman he loves."

    I got lost with ten-person sum. I'm not sure what this means. Ten organs to get enough money? "O-negative-gold-filled life" is just off a bit, kind of clunky.

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  6. Very creepy premise, and I'm not one for horror (so bare with me).

    I think the evil protag sounds facinating. I think the second sentence begins with a great emergency: an immediate need for the bone marrow, which costs -- I'm interpreting -- the equivalent of 10 harvested organs? I'm thinking he can't do that in time and must come up with a different solution. Still. I'm not sure why his love can't donate voluntarily.

    Unless she's refusing?

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  7. I agree that I don't understand why he can't ask her (or how you steal bone marrow...it's a rather painful donation and I think she'd notice!)

    My main issue with this is the whole "decision" goal. The goal is very rarely a decision as that would mean the book ends when he makes it. What actual outward obstacles does he have to face? What happens when he makes the decision?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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