Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #8

TITLE: God with Two Faces
GENRE: YA Fantasy

After an assassination attempt puts her mother, an infamous politician, in a coma, fourteen-year-old Misha uses a spell to disguise herself as her mother, determined to uphold her mother’s pro-magic agenda in a modern-day Korea that has outlawed magic for the past fifty years.


  1. I'm interested in this, but I think you could trim it down a little. You don't need 'infamous politician' in there if we learn about her pro-magic agenda, and you use 'her mother' once too many times (I'd say cut the last one). You might also want to state if it's North or South Korea (if there's a difference in your world.)

  2. I like the concept and I see how you can have a lot of fun writing this. I think the sentence is maybe too long? I had to read it a few times to get the picture, primarily because I couldn't get a grip on how an active politician can push something that is illegal in a government that appears to be dictatorial. Maybe break it up into a few sentences and give more of the 'stakes'. For example: 'After an assassination attempt puts her mother, an infamous pro magic politician in a coma, fourteen-year-old Misha has (a big problem - no one to turn to, might end up in an orphanage, what?). In order to (can't be just politics here, can it? protect herself? find the assassins? keep the attempt secret) she uses a spell to disguise herself as her mother. She must push (uphold sounds like it's already there) her mother's pro-magic agenda in a modern-day Korea that has outlawed magic, or (someone will try to kill her mother again? kill her? the country will become really boring?) I think the stakes need to be both very personal and maybe grand as well. But like I said, good concept. Good luck!

  3. This sounds interesting. So this is modern, but with magic? Your log line makes me think Percy Jackson meets Freaky Friday.
    I don't think you need 'infamous' unless her mom is a bad guy or a questionable character.

    Also agree with details of North/South Korea

  4. This is a rather wordy setup. I'd suggest you change the beginning to, "After an assassination attempt puts her politican mother in a coma,". After that, state her goal (which needs to be more tangible than 'uphold her agenda'), not how she achieves it (the disguise). The disguise would probably read better if you put it with the obstacles which are missing. You also need to give us the stakes. What happens if she loses?

    Good luck!

  5. Very interesting story, and the logline is to the point. I think you could simplify or reword a bit to help the flow. Maybe something like, "Fourteen-year-old Misha's mother is infamous for ___, but when an assassination attempt put her in a coma, Misha uses a spell to disguise herself and take her mother's place..." Something of that like.

    Well done!

  6. A little wordy, but gets the interest across. I would read this!

  7. Interesting idea for a book. We have the setting, the antagonist, but what are the stakes?

  8. Thanks, everyone--this was incredibly helpful. I meant to comment sooner possibly with a revision attached, but I think I'll save it for the actual revision round. Important thing I learned: a logline does not have to be one overly long line.