Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #15

TITLE: Demon Heart
GENRE: YA Dark Fantasy

To earn redemption, a banished demon must murder the woman he truly loves or risk the massacre of an entire race.


  1. I like it; short and to the point.

  2. Not sure if the word 'truly' is necessary here, but otherwise very succinct and well done.

  3. Pretty consice logline here. I dont have anything to suggest or anything I'd change, though I do agree that 'truly' is an unnecessary word (not like you really need to cut any)

  4. LOVE that this gets to the point in just one sentence. Bravo. Hollywood movie directors everywhere love you. ;)

    My only thought is, "Earn redemption from what?" I think answering that question will tell me more about this demon and add intrigue to the story. :)

  5. Why does he have to do this now? And who or what is he getting redemption from? Also, you've written this like all he needs to do is make a choice but the story is more likely about how he gets around doing so.

    Good luck!

  6. While I love short loglines, I think this may be just a tad too short. The thought that popped into my mind as soon as I read it was - does he want redemption back into hell - in which case, why does he care about a race being massacred. Aren't demons pretty unfeeling about these things in general.

    Now, if he's seeking redemption and wants a pass into heaven, then I think you need to make this a little clearer. Hmmm, but then why would he need to kill his love because I can't imagine God wanting him to kill someone - unless the woman he loves is a real bad-ass.

    I think I should stop thinking about this now. Hope I haven't confused you. I think what I'm trying to say I could use just a little bit more explanation here.

    Good luck

  7. I love that this is concise, but I think a few more details might help. For example, which race will be massacred and why does he care?

    Also, since it's YA, consider including the age of the demon or woman to show why it's YA.