Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #31

TITLE: Drego's Sword
GENRE: YA epic fantasy

When Drego travels to stop dictator Gordar from conquering his home, he becomes his enemy’s main target. In a race to find three power-filled gems before Gordar does, Drego is hunted by a ruthless assassin and tries to cope with his destiny that’s been foretold. His journey takes him far from home, into the arms of a headstrong young woman, and to a darker, more violent part of himself he hadn’t known existed.



8 comments:

  1. I think you have too much going on here: 'stopping the dictator', 'becoming a target', 'finding three gems', 'cope with his destiny', 'info the arms of a woman', 'darker, more violent part of himself'. Focus on the main character, the primary conflict, and the stakes. Everything else is just extraneous detail.

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  2. Agree. The last sentence is superfluous (maybe not for your book, but for a logline contest). Also, I'm a little confused by the fact that you have Drego traveling to defend his homeland (which he could ostensibly defend from, you know...home.). I assume the destiny that's been foretold is his death--I think it would be stronger and clearer if you just said so.

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  3. This has too many conflicts going on to be clear in such a short amount of space. I'm not exactly sure what the power-filled stones have to do with anything, except that Gordar and Drego both want them.

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  4. Of course I don't know how this fits with your actual story, but a sentence something like this could work for a logline:

    To stop a dictator from conquering his home, Drego must locate three power-filled gems, evade a ruthless assassin and surrender his heart to a headstrong young woman who can change his fate.

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  5. As a log line, this has too much in it...

    Something like "Drego's journey to stop the evil conquerer, Gordor, takes him far from home, into the arms of a headstrong young woman, and to a darker, more violent part of himself he hadn’t known existed." That'd be enough to keep me reading. Good luck!

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  6. This is missing the motivation. Why must HE find these gems NOW and what happens if he doesn't?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  7. Jane Doe's rewrite is good. It pares down the extraneous details and keeps what (appears to be) most important.

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