TITLE: Drego's Sword
GENRE: YA epic fantasy
When Drego travels to stop dictator Gordar from conquering his home, he becomes his enemy’s main target. In a race to find three power-filled gems before Gordar does, Drego is hunted by a ruthless assassin and tries to cope with his destiny that’s been foretold. His journey takes him far from home, into the arms of a headstrong young woman, and to a darker, more violent part of himself he hadn’t known existed.
I think you have too much going on here: 'stopping the dictator', 'becoming a target', 'finding three gems', 'cope with his destiny', 'info the arms of a woman', 'darker, more violent part of himself'. Focus on the main character, the primary conflict, and the stakes. Everything else is just extraneous detail.ReplyDelete
Agree. The last sentence is superfluous (maybe not for your book, but for a logline contest). Also, I'm a little confused by the fact that you have Drego traveling to defend his homeland (which he could ostensibly defend from, you know...home.). I assume the destiny that's been foretold is his death--I think it would be stronger and clearer if you just said so.ReplyDelete
This has too many conflicts going on to be clear in such a short amount of space. I'm not exactly sure what the power-filled stones have to do with anything, except that Gordar and Drego both want them.ReplyDelete
Of course I don't know how this fits with your actual story, but a sentence something like this could work for a logline:
To stop a dictator from conquering his home, Drego must locate three power-filled gems, evade a ruthless assassin and surrender his heart to a headstrong young woman who can change his fate.
As a log line, this has too much in it...ReplyDelete
Something like "Drego's journey to stop the evil conquerer, Gordor, takes him far from home, into the arms of a headstrong young woman, and to a darker, more violent part of himself he hadn’t known existed." That'd be enough to keep me reading. Good luck!
This is missing the motivation. Why must HE find these gems NOW and what happens if he doesn't?ReplyDelete
Jane Doe's rewrite is good. It pares down the extraneous details and keeps what (appears to be) most important.ReplyDelete