TITLE: Girl|Alien
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Move! Lives are at risk!
Grett’s body rose from her seat and tensed, ready for any emergency. Her Sophomore Language-Arts teacher stopped her boring recital in mid-sentence. Grett’s nose twitched, her ears tingled, and her hair shivered.
Detecting combustion products: CO, CO2, Pyrolytic carbon. Amplifying ambient noise: distress calls, location undetermined.
Moments later, the fire alarm shrilled, a choir of bells echoing throughout the school. Grett’s gaze shot to her brood-sister Sare who sat next to her. Sare’s eyes went wide.
Grett and Sare ran from their classroom, pushing past the other students into the still-empty hall. As Warrior-class students, the safety of Wide Sky High School was their responsibility, their mission. Teachers called for calm and order, but they were ill-equipped to handle this form of emergency. This was a Warrior’s job.
They had seconds to assess the situation before the hallways flooded with panicked students. Grett prayed that some prankster has yanked the alarm to avoid a test, but her nose confirmed the acrid scent of burning.
Engaging Protocol 3: Emergency Mode.
Her earpiece rattled. “Kitchen fire,” called a Warrior. “Thirty students in the cafeteria, elementary grade.”
Not the little ones! Engaging Protocol 58.B: Burst mode.
Grett felt the same as Voice, her ever-present cranial companion. She swore under her breath and turned to Sare. “Evac Main Hall.” Sare nodded and raced down a side hallway.
Grett sprinted past lockers, dodging the throng of screeching youngsters. Smoke crept along the ceiling and a tide of frightened girls turned directly into her path.
Hi! I write YA too, so I had to check yours out. I like your concept here, and the urgency of the situation is well written. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI have two suggestions. In the 5th paragraph down you switch tense. It should be, "Grett prayed that some prankster had yanked..."
And the 2nd to last paragraph, where she's referring to Voice, confused me. I had to re-read it. I didn't understand how she could feel the same as something inside her. I think I'd change that to "Grett agreed with Voice..." Clarifies the fact that the italic statements are Voice's.
Thanks for sharing with us! I'm a YA story lover, so I hope you get some great agent attention!
I got tripped up by shivering hair...maybe the shiver could scramble up her spine?
ReplyDeleteI was definitely excited to see what the emergency was. Then I wasn't sure what the italicized was: PA system? Internal monologue. (Actually, I have to admit that I'm still not quite sure...)
I'm super intrigued by brood-sisterhood and any Hogwarts/Divergent-type school house system really grabs me...I think maybe just simplify the opening a bit so the reader doesn't have to suspend disbelief and work too hard to figure out what's happening at the same time. Good luck!
I LOVE YA sci-fi and am so excited to see more!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I appreciate the action in your opening but am concerned there isn't enough explanation going on here. I'd like to see you slow Grett's escape down a tad and give us a bit more world-building, so we aren't quite so lost. Or perhaps introduce a few of your new terms a bit later, and give us something we can immediately understand during the action.
Other than that, I really want to know what's going to happen! Take my critique with a grain of salt.
Good job!
This has a lot of potential, but is confusing as written.
ReplyDeleteIs Grett thinking Move! Lives are at risk! is it coming from a speaker or into her earpiece?
And who is Greett? Would like to know a bit about her before I decide whether I want to join her in her quest.
Her body rose? What about her? Did she stay seated? Also, I'd like to be able to feel what's happening to her a bit more. Maybe, Grett jumped up from her seat, muscles tight and straining.
Okay, so I think this should go up with the warning in the first paragraph. Or are the two going on simultaneously?
Doesn't Grett twitch her nose? Don't think body parts are independent actors. Maybe she shivered or goose bumps rose up on her arms?
Okay, so Grett is an alien detecting humans?
Maybe ID Grett's responsibility at the beginning? Otherwise, I'm lost.
At first there was no information about Grett, now seems to be too much at once. Maybe weave it into the action?
This is an interesting idea, and for the most part I really liked it. It has tension, and I'm anxious to see if Grett can save the little kids.
ReplyDeleteThe part that gave me pause was the phrase "Grett's body rose..." I would just say "Grett rose ..." Otherwise, I picture her body literally rising without her control. I also wasn't sure about the sentence that starts "Grett's nose twitched..."
Otherwise, I really like this and would keep reading!
This is definitely an interesting idea and has a lot of potential. I agree with the previous commenters in regards to the body/ nose/hair sentence and tightening the sentences regarding her body's functions.
ReplyDeleteAlso, while kids in a kitchen during a fire causes anxiety for both the MC(s) and the reader, I think maybe saying something more about the fire or if the kids are actually trapped would give it more tension. Like, was it just a grease fire or was it intentionally set or did terrorists torch the kitchen. Maybe we find that out later? I would definitely add something about the kids being trapped to up the ante.
I wasn't sure right away who was speaking in the italics...whether it was her thoughts (if so, I imagined she was a cyborg or something) or a computer she was reading/hearing, but I've read enough sci-fi that it didn't stress me out. I knew I'd find out and was fairly certain it was some kind of computer in her brain.
All in all, interesting and one I'd turn the page rather than put down. Good job!
I agree with what the others have said. I also want to add that the phrase "brood-sister" really bothered me. I don't read a lot of sci-fi, so maybe this is a common term I just don't know, but to me it conjured up images of forced reproduction. Without any kind of description to explain the term I just felt it pulled me out of the story. But, like I said, I don't really read sci-fi.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I really like this, the concept seems very original, I really want to know more! I agree that the line 'my body...' and the term 'brood-sister' both put me off somewhat, but otherwise am hooked.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was well written, but there were a few things that stood out to me.
ReplyDeleteDid she rise, or did her body rise? And is her body ready for anything, or is she? Do you want to include body parts that are acting on their own? I think probably not, but it is SF, and the second parg. makes it seem like her body is acting on its own, but then we get Voice who is actually speaking in parg 2, so maybe her body isn’t acting of its accord. Perhaps let Grett have a thought about that, so it’s clear right away.
And the teacher stopped her recital and then what. Does she just stand there doing nothing? It seems something should follow that.
I wondered why the teachers were ill-equipped. While teachers are not firefighters, they are trained in what to do in case there is a fire in the school, and it seems these teachers would also be trained in a similar fashion. If all the warriors were on a field trip that day, would the school burn down? Would everyone die?
And why evacuate the main hall? Wouldn’t they evacuate the entire school? And why isn’t she, or anyone else, keeping the kids under control? What happened to stop, drop and crawl? (Or is it roll?) It doesn’t seem she is handling the situation.
I thought it was well written, but there were a few things that stood out to me.
ReplyDeleteDid she rise, or did her body rise? And is her body ready for anything, or is she? Do you want to include body parts that are acting on their own? I think probably not, but it is SF, and the second parg. makes it seem like her body is acting on its own, but then we get Voice who is actually speaking in parg 2, so maybe her body isn’t acting of its accord. Perhaps let Grett have a thought about that, so it’s clear right away.
And the teacher stopped her recital and then what. Does she just stand there doing nothing? It seems something should follow that.
I wondered why the teachers were ill-equipped. While teachers are not firefighters, they are trained in what to do in case there is a fire in the school, and it seems these teachers would also be trained in a similar fashion. If all the warriors were on a field trip that day, would the school burn down? Would everyone die?
And why evacuate the main hall? Wouldn’t they evacuate the entire school? And why isn’t she, or anyone else, keeping the kids under control? What happened to stop, drop and crawl? (Or is it roll?) It doesn’t seem she is handling the situation.
I felt very divorced from the character in this opening. It had a very omniscient feel to it, but every now and then you throw in a thought from Grett which tripped me up and made me lose the flow.
ReplyDeleteI wondered about hair shivered - is she human? If she's an alien and their hair shivers then it makes sense. Otherwise, it does not.
ReplyDeletethen there is a line about them pushing through the crowd into a n empty hallway. Why would the crowd not be filling that hallway as well. Is that the escape route?
I agree with the previous comments about the main character. I don't know enough about her to care or understand why she's in control or handling this situation.
Good luck and may the force be with you!
I think it's been pretty well covered that her body parts seem to have a life of their own, so I won't rehash. The result was that I felt very detached and thought that maybe she was a robot and she's some kind of monitor if the school is attacked.
ReplyDeleteNot sure I'd continue other than wanting to read YA Sci-fi!
I'm rather lost here, especially relating to the floating voice/alarm that keeps screaming at her. We don't have enough of a basis to know who or what or why with any of this, especially as action is interspersed with random warnings.
ReplyDeleteBefore dumping us into a dramatic situation, there are some key things we need to know. First among these is What the crap is a "cranial companion" and why is a high school student in charge of safety. And if they're special warriors, wouldn't they go to a special warrior training academy of some sort?
It all comes down to this: if readers don't have enough info to go on, they'll either let their brains fill in the gaps and cause more confusion later on, or they'll stop reading. Neither of those things is good.
I'm intrigued. Great job!
ReplyDelete