Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Logline Critique Round Three #30

TITLE: JUMPING ANTS
GENRE: Upmarket Fiction

After Max’s talent for self sabotage gets him hired, fired, and evicted in quick succession, the charming but aimless twenty-nine-year-old is carjacked at gunpoint at a fast-food drive-thru. Max’s journey with this older, rounder, more desperate version of himself leaves him with a black eye, a crush on a feisty bartender, and the truth that the unfazed grin he’s been honing hasn’t been fooling anyone, least of all himself.

11 comments:

  1. I like the style here, but left confused by the wording. Who's the carjacker? Why is this version of Max suddenly older and rounder?

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  2. Sounds really good. I'd lose the word "hired" from the first sentence. His talent for self-sabotage didn't get him hired. I completely understand he's met a guy who resembles his future self if he stays on his path, and I love the unfazed grin, but it is a looong sentence...

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  3. Ohhhh. Thanks, Judy. I see it now! and I like it!!

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  4. Thanks for your comments.

    Actually the "hired" is a bit of self sabotage from the circumstances in the story, but of course you don't know that from the pitch. Loses the rhythm without "hired" but I'll ponder. Thanks!

    If others are confused by the "version of himself," please let me know!

    Last sentence is long but I worry it loses the punch if it is broken up. Not easily broken.

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  5. Great premise, but I, too, was confused from sentence one to sentence two. I didn't assume he would still be in the car-jacked car, much less on a journey with the guy.
    A fix? Put the description of the car-jacker at the end of the first sentence, and tweak the second. Otherwise, I felt a lot of time had passed, and your MC had grown fat.
    Is it possible to tell any more about the "truth" he learns about himself?
    Sounds like a fun read.

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  6. I like the sound of this. However as a logline it is too much.

    When a charming but aimless twenty-nine-year-old with a talent for self sabotage is carjacked by an older, more desperate version of himself he learns that the unfazed grin he’s been honing hasn’t been fooling anyone, least of all himself.

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  7. I like JaneDoe's version. That is really tight. I'd like to see where the story goes. :)

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  8. I like Jane Doe's version too. Very tight and sounds like a great premise for a novel!

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  9. Thanks all. Glad you like the premise. JaneDoe, that's great!

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  10. L.A. Gold (@_lagold)October 17, 2012 at 10:08 AM

    JaneDoe, any interest in working your magic on my three line pitch I need to submit to another contest? If you would be interested in taking a look, contact me on Twitter @_lagold or leave a comment here! Thanks to everyone!

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  11. I'm sorry but JaneDoe's version is completely missing his goal and obstacles. It sounds like the entire story could take place in 5 minutes and that would be it. You need to give us more than just the character arc. Does his journey begin at the carjacking? If so, what goal does this incite and how does he try to achieve it?

    Good luck!
    Holly

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