Friday, November 28, 2014

(56) MG Contemporary (verse): ROOT BEER CANDY AND OTHER MIRACLES

TITLE: ROOT BEER CANDY AND OTHER MIRACLES
GENRE: MG Contemporary (verse)

When her parents enroll in marriage camp, Bailey and her brother spend August on an island with a grandmother they barely know. With the help of a driftwood mermaid, mysterious ice-cream vendor, and new best friend, Bailey learns how everyday miracles can change lives.

After the storm

Felicity Bay is washed clean—

cottage roofs rain-fresh,

gleaming

in the morning sun.

I lean over the porch railing,

scan the ribbon

of wet sand.

Last night’s wind rearranged driftwood

along the beach

like my mother scrubbing,

dusting,

moving furniture around

after she and Dad fight.

My brother couldn’t sleep.

This morning I found him

on Nana Marie’s ocean-blue couch,

wrapped in a sheet.

.

Nana Marie calls me inside

before I can explore.

.

Bailey, she hollers. Pancakes.

.       

I kick off my flip-flops,

dash in,

plop down across from Kevin

at the kitchen table.

.

Don’t just stare at them, Nana Marie says.

Eat, Chickadee.

.

She has to check them first, says Kevin.

.

He thinks it’s dumb

that I study the gold and white designs

fried into flapjacks,

searching

for the face of God.

He was only little

when Aunt Debbie discovered Tom Hanks

staring at her

from her breakfast plate.

She watched every one of his movies

after that,

said it changed her life.

So I say, You never know,

and I check for God.

.

Later that morning

I find Daniel outside,

peering at things

through his camera.

.

Beep

click

beep.

.

He turns on the camera,

snaps a picture,

turns it off.

.

Daniel’s eleven,

same as me.

He stays in the cottage

next to Nana Marie’s

and takes pictures

of everything.

.

Where ya going? Daniel says.

.

Nowhere, I say,

and we start going there

together.

.

A short trail cuts through beach grass—

grey-green blades

as long as my legs,

dancing

in the breeze.

32 comments:

  1. The imagery in this is absolutely stunning. I love it. You do a really nice job with the pacing, too. There's something about the syntax, the way you take us from scene to scene that *feels* like the beach to me, like waves pulling at the shore. I don't read a lot of novels in verse, so honestly, I'm not really sure what critique to offer you. I just want to say that I really enjoyed this!

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  2. I love the title. The writing is just beautiful and I could really relate to the characters. Good luck.

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  3. So lovely to read. I wonder why that is? It's such an unusual style, but I think you did a great job. I love the line about going off to nowhere together.

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  4. Beautiful (and there's a Tom Hanks reference!) I would buy this for my niece and nephew in a heartbeat.

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  5. The images are lovely as everyone above has said. The first image/stanza is a knock out. The verse structure does create a kind of wave like experience. I love the humor with the Tom Hanks pancake too.

    I needed to read this twice, because the first time, I paused at the line breaks and sometimes that made it harder for me to follow. The second time, I only paused for punctuation and the action was clear.

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  6. The visual imagery in this captures me right from the first stanza, and suggests some great illustrations. I really like this!

    One observation: Bonni mentions the line breaks, and I think the leading, i.e. space between lines, as it's had to be for this blog, is more than it would be on a normal page, and that plus the necessary period to hold additional space, all detract a bit from the narrative flow. When I ignored them, the story carried me forward very smoothly.

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  7. I agree with the above readers. This is stunning and lovely.

    The only place that stopped me was the line "My brother couldn't sleep" because in the stanza she's describing her observations of what she sees and then all of a sudden we jump to her brother, and her finding him. I wonder if a stanza break here would work?

    I love poem novels and would definitely buy this! Good luck on Tuesday :)

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  8. My critique partner is an award winning poet. She would absolutely love this! I have not honestly read much verse, but I thought this was just beautiful. I loved how it made me feel, rocking with the waves on the beach. Excellent job!

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  9. I love the pitch, and the writing here is so, so gorgeous. Totally hooked!

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  10. Very beautiful phrasing and pacing. Word choices are wonderful. You bring me in and out seamlessly--a close-up view of their lives (looking for pancake visages) and the bigger pictures, like the parents fighting. Good luck!

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  11. I'm not usually a fan of things in verse, but you've got a really good rhythm and cadence on this. It sounds like an interesting story. My one nitpick would be on the second sentence of the pitch, it felt a little clunky but otherwise nice job! Best of luck in Baker's Dozen.

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  12. I agree that the imagery is done well. My issue was content. Where is all this taking us? The first bit places us and works. Then we go to the sleeping brother, who isn't there now, and who we meet later, so I wonder if you even need that sleeping bit. Or, go into it more. Tell us why he couldn't sleep. It was too hot in his room? He's worried about Mom and Dad's possible divorce? If it's relevant, tell us why. If it's not, cut it.

    Why is she looking for God in her pancakes? That would be interesting to know. She's not looking to find just any old thing. She's looking for God. Why is that? Because it's just this quirk she has, or is there something behind it? And even if she saw a face on her pancake, how would she know it was God? This was the most interesting thing to me in the excerpt, but you don't go into it. Then she's outside with Daniel and his camera. Is he just the kid next door, or does his photography matter?

    There's a lot of stuff here, but I can't tell what matters and what doesn't, and I don't see how one thing relates to another. If I didn't have the logline, I wouldn't know where this was going at all.

    Is there an inciting incident you could start with, or some one thing to focus on, that would give us a sense of the problem and where it may be going?

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  13. This is just LOVELY. Beautifully written and paced, atmospheric and subtle. I am already hooked, despite quieter contemporaries not being my favourite genre. (I am a fan of verse, though.) I love the sea rearranging the driftwood like her mother rearranging furniture, love her looking for God in her pancakes, and these lines are just perfection:

    Where ya going? Daniel says.

    Nowhere, I say,
    and we start going there
    together.

    Well done, I hope you get lots of requests!

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  14. Beautiful imagery, but I think clarifying a few things that won't interfere with your lovely rhythm will make it a smoother read. When you first mention your brother, name him. Why couldn't the brother, Kevin sleep? Did Bailey's parents have a fight last night and that's the reason Kevin can't sleep? This is a big event that needs some grounding. I love the Tom Hanks pancake verse. Bailey clearly wants something to change in her life by looking for God in the pancakes, but here she feels 14-16 yrs old and not 11 and I'm presume she's an atheist since believers know God is omnipresent. I love how you established the relationship with Daniel- I need more that with brother, Kevin.
    One of my favorite MGs is "Inside Out and Back Again." I'm in awe that you wrote this sweet story in verse! Here's to you receiving many bids come Tuesday.

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  15. Wow, I absolutely LOVE this.

    This bit--

    moving furniture around

    after she and Dad fight.

    --felt like it was missing a transition line like "the way she always does" or some such. It was the only place that didn't flow for me.

    But seriously, I found this stunning.

    ~V

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  16. The prose here is absolutely gorgeous and flows so beautifully! There are so many fantastic images here - I could completely envision the beach after the storm, and I felt like I was standing there with Bailey.

    I did think the Tom Hanks line was funny, but I immediately wondered if it would be that meaningful to your target audience (kids roughly ages 8-12) - and as such it pulled out of the story a little. That doesn't mean you have to get rid of it, but maybe there's a way to generalize or contextualize the reference so it resonates a little more for that age group?

    I'm definitely intrigued by the log-line, but I also wasn't entirely sure where the story arc was going, as the two sentences didn't connect enough for me. The first sentence sets up a personal conflict for Bailey (her parents' marital struggles; spending the summer with a relative who's a stranger) but the second sentence moves on to something more general and seemingly unconnected to her (the miracles that change lives). Bailey has such a lovely and compelling voice in the sample, so I think your pitch should focus in on her journey rather than something vague. Perhaps this is even as simple as specifying who the miracles are affecting (her? her grandma? her brother? etc). I know you were working with a word limit here, so perhaps that's just something to keep in mind for the future!

    Your writing is gorgeous and I see so much potential here. Best of luck!

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  17. Joining the chorus of posters saying this is stunning. Already funny and heartbreaking in the first 250. I can't wait to add your book to my daughter's library.

    Still thinking about this line; "Nowhere, I say,
    and we start going there
    together."

    Good luck in the auction!

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  18. The language is lovely - the descriptors are pitch perfect. The title is great! I do look forward to seeing this in a bookstore.

    For those who want more - it's important to remember these are only the first 250 words. If the story cold be told in 250 words it would be a short story. The first page is promise of what is to come, in invitation - and a guarantee that the next 30,000 (or whatever the word count is) words will not be a waste of your time. Openings catch us, then we need to settle down, to be willing to steep ourselves in the story. Then we'll discover all the details.

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  19. "He was only little when Aunt Debbie discovered Tom Hanks staring at her from her breakfast plate. She watched every one of his movies after that, said it changed her life. So I say, You never know, and I check for God." I loved this and felt like these sentences could almost be another novel entirely about Aunt Debbie that I'd want to read. Good luck Tuesday!

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  20. I'm going to have to agree with the folks who talk about the line breaks. You have a way with words, so there is no need to grab our attention with this type of formatting. As a publisher, I'm thinking, "Man that would be a lot of wasted space on the page and a pain to format." Which distracts from the beauty of the imagery and words.

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  21. Really love this! Your voice, and seemingly irrelevant detail is just beautiful. So smoothly breathlessly woven together. I can't even begin to name what I love about this. (And as another verse novelist, I heart your line breaks.)

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  22. Hi
    I'm your tweet diva for the contest! (you had me at root beer)

    Good luck

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  23. Gotta make you work for it. I am just curious about where this story is going to go.

    I bid 95 pages

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  24. CLOSED! The full goes to Caryn Wiseman.

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  25. GRRR. You did get it. :)

    And it's got some lovely language and turns of phrase in there. And an interesting character looking for God in pancakes. It's not as flashy as some of the others, perhaps, but a very appealing page here.

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  26. FWIW, I think the language is gorgeous. :)

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