Friday, November 28, 2014

(44) MG Literary: NIXIE IN THE CENTER

TITLE: Nixie in the Center
GENRE: MG Literary

Twelve year-old Nixie has no friends, her sister hates her, and having dysgraphia makes everyone think she’s stupid. When a deaf dog runs wild through her town, disrupting a funeral and crashing pool parties, Nixie thinks training the dog could prove she’s more than her learning disability. But with animal control, mean girls and her own mother standing in her way, how can Nixie save an unwanted dog no one believes can learn?

When I was little, Mama told me that my name--Nixie--means “water sprite.” A water sprite is a fairy that lives in the water, so for a few years I wore a tutu when I went swimming. But when I was in second grade (for the first time), I found out the real meaning of “nixie.” It’s bad, and the worst thing is, it fits me perfectly.

It was spring and Mama had sent me to the post office because she wasn’t going anywhere with her stomach as big as it was, carrying what I hoped was a baby sister. Mama had been having so much indigestion, which she never did with me or my big sister Trilby, that she was thinking it was a boy. I thought her burping was because of the bratwurst and hot sauce she had been craving.

“It’s a nixie!” I heard an unfamiliar voice say from behind the post office counter.

“Yup, it’s a-me!” I said, shaking the spring’s rain off my red boots.

“What?” the man asked.

“It’s a-me! Nixie!” I said again, reaching for one of the Tootsie Rolls in the little dish on the counter. I squinted at the man. “Hey, how’d you know my name?”

“Oh!” he laughed and put an envelope up on the counter. “No. I meant this “nixie.” Look here.” The corners of his eyes had what Mama calls crows’ feet. They looked like lots of little smiles. “See how you can’t read the address?”

26 comments:

  1. I love your opening paragraph -- nice voice and original viewpoint that drew me in and made me want to read more -- especially the last sentence. Already we get such a great feel for the protagonist with the tutu, repeating second grade, etc. And you keep it up in the rest of this sample, letting us know in such a subtle way that she's a girl, including lots of details that make this come alive. She seems to have such a likeable, fun personality, I would love to read more! Great job.

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  2. The voice is so winning and the details so revealing. This snippet makes me want to read more!

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  3. Love this premise for this. I would pick it up on that alone. I love the little clues about her life, specifically the (for the first time) bit.

    Though i did wonder and the use of the parantheses. Having the parantheses makes it seem conspiratorial, like she's speaking directly to the reader, which is a little strange in a first person MG. Without the parantheses you'd lose that direct address feeling and also provide a sort of offhand feeling, like maybe she understands that this is her life and she doesn't need to draw attention to the fact that she's been in the second grade more than once.

    Good luck in the auction!

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  4. I love the concept of this. Some really great details (crow's feet looking like little smiles...love that!). Great voice. I'd for sure read more. :)

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  5. Strong voice and you've supplied a lot of information in a way that doesn't feel forced. I agree about the parentheses--plus Nixie wouldn't use them! That's how well you've created her in this short opening--I already can have that strong a feeling about what she would or wouldn't do.

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  6. I loved this. Great voice and setting. I agree with the comments about the parenthesis. I want to keep reading so I can find out what this 'nixie' is. I haven't heard of that disability.

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  7. Woah! I was just about to blaze by, when I saw the word "dysgraphia." I have a niece who has it, so that caught my attention straight-away.

    I really like this! I would read this for sure. I like the theme and the writing. Good luck!

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  8. Oh well you suckered me in with the deaf dog needing saving, then pulled me in even further with the great voice and writing on the first page. Well done :)

    But I wonder whether this might not be more gripping if it began with the 2nd para, going straight into the scene - and you slotted the info about Nixie meaning water sprite in between the last two paras. It might read more smoothly. Just a thought.

    Good luck!

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  9. I love the premise of your books, and that opening paragraph, especially the last line, is WONDERFUL.

    Overall the voice is great, and the only real critique I can offer is that you might want to ground us more immediately between the first paragraph and the second. Like I've said, I really like that first para, but it's introspective, and so is the second, so maybe you could have her stepping into the post office rather than summarizing.

    ~V

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  10. Authoress says we're not supposed to pay attention to the loglines, but this time I must. I don't know what dysgraphia means! I read the piece totally distracted waiting to find out. I think you need to define it in the logline.

    As for the piece itself, I think it's quite promising. I'd get rid of some of the back story about Mom so we can get to the meat sooner. And I don't think she needs to say "Mama calls crows' feet." Just let her describe them.

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  11. Nice writing! I immediately feel for your MC!

    I'd suggest starting with the 2nd parg, because that gets us right into the story. The first parg is good, too, but it's explaining to the reader, and if you cut, you have more room for the story.

    Nicely done!

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  12. What a wonderful voice in this piece. Loved the tutu detail. It is so touching and creates such a good visual for this character from the start.

    Respectfully, I disagree with the comments about cutting the first paragraph. You have plenty of room to tell the story. This paragraph draws the reader in to care about your MC and this certainly seemed like a character-driven work.

    Good luck in the auction!

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  13. I also love the voice here, and I am already rooting for Nixie. I think it's great to explore dysgraphia here, and I am eager to meet the dog character!

    Your concept immediately reminded me of BECAUSE OF WINN DIXIE, especially with the quieter, literary focus on a stay dog helping a girl connect with her community. I think your story has enough to distinguish itself, but just make sure you're familiar with that book so you an emphasize what makes your story different!

    I think your first 250 are really working - I have a lot of questions about what will happen next. Good luck!

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  14. I like the voice here, especially in the second paragraph.I am always interested in books which have characters with learning differences, as my son goes to a high school devoted to kids with LDs. I hope you have sucess in the auction tomorrow!

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  15. 118 pages for me!

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  16. sorry, missed AJP's request. 125 pages for me

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  17. oh man! I didn't get a chance to bid over here!!!!

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  18. CLOSED! Full goes to Melissa Jeglinski

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