TITLE: Bloodbird
GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy
An obedient basilisk solider accused of treason, Faida’s forced to ally with her clan’s Executioner to prove her innocence. But uncovering the real traitor’s endgame has Faida fighting to stop a madman hell-bent on species eradication.
The kill order came through the exact moment the sommelier filled my wine glass. Clearly my superiors delighted in choosing the most inopportune time to assign me a target. Faida might be doing something enjoyable. Let's interrupt it...just in case.
Fan-freaking-tastic.
Gazing across the candlelit table at my maybe-boyfriend, Christian, I offered an apologetic smile. The X Squad never sent an order unless it was urgent, and that meant I was about to ruin the second date with Christian this week alone.
Bzzzp. Bzzzzp.
I glared at my clutch, the distinct buzz alerting me to the incoming command. My fingers itched to chuck it across the restaurant. All I wanted was a g****** steak, but apparently that was too much to ask.
Christian sighed. “Just answer it, love. I know the hospital’s needs are more important than dinner.”
His pleasant demeanor aside—Christian was the most mild-mannered guy I’d ever dated—I knew he was less than thrilled. But seriously, who could blame him? I’d lost count of the number of times the “hospital” had interrupted our plans since we’d started seeing each other three months ago.
Several tuxedo-clad servers whisked by carrying plates of sizzling filets and butter-drenched potatoes, and my mouth watered. Suppressing a groan, I pulled my phone out to read the text message.
X SQUAD DISPATCH: 8:51 PM; ERADICATOR 793. TARGET: LANDON STRIKER. SPECIES: VUKO. LOCATION: HADE ST. AND DELGADO PL.
F****** parasites always found a way to ruin a perfectly decent evening.
“Yep, it’s from Dr. Flores,” I lied.
Very suspenseful. Great voice. The only thing I might change is in the opening paragraph-- instead of "it" that's buzzing, say "cell", for clarity. Great job! Good luck today.
ReplyDeleteYou know, the logline confused me. I don't know how a basilisk soldier is different from a regular soldier, I'm not sure about the "endgame" word choice, and I wish a knew a little more about which species the madman wants to eradicate because if it's Faida's species (basilisk? human? something else?), then that raises the stakes significantly. If that's the case, it seems like something you should establish right away.
ReplyDeleteAll of that said, I was going to keep scrolling until I read the first paragraph and the voice and writing pulled me in. I like Faida already, and you've done a nice job of establishing her character right away. I'd rather see some of this tightened up and the room used for giving us a little more world-building, though, especially since we know by the end of this bit that there are more than just humans inhabiting this world. I'd keep reading regardless.
I love your voice. The first paragraph drew me into the story right way, and I felt like I got a good feel for what Faida's world is like without getting bogged down with a lot of exposition. The only (very minor) thing I noticed was Christian's line--it seemed a bit formal to me and didn't necessarily sound like the way a guy would speak--but maybe it's totally appropriate for this particular character.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't a genre I normally read, so I won't comment on the logline. However, I think you did a great job with this scene. I have a feeling that her target is going to be very sorry when she gets done with them. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked this, but I thought the last two lines were redundant. The author had established that the evening would be ruined as had too many others, so saying, "F****** parasites always found a way to ruin a perfectly decent evening" was unnecessary. Same with the "I lied" bit. It's clear at this point that she isn't letting the boyfriend in on covert operations, so coming out and saying it seems a little "Duh!"
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good start. The voice is strong, if not a familiar one for this genre, but there's no confusing it with something else. Lots of 'tude here. :)
ReplyDeleteI had to look up basilisk because i didn't know what it was, and it's a King of Serpents. So Faida being a soldier might be contradiction, but I didn't read beyond the basic description so there's probably more to it than that.
When she thinks f***** parasites, I'm not sure if she's referring to those giving the order, or to the target.
This is an intriguing beginning to what sounds like an interesting story.
Good luck!
Good luck! :)
ReplyDeleteThis read very smoothly, and I liked the voice. (The logline needs work, but I'd request pages based on the first 250). Good luck in the auction tomorrow!
ReplyDelete