Wednesday, January 28, 2015

First Five Sentences #5

TITLE: The Chicken That Saved The World
GENRE: MG Mystery

I knew what my birthday present was the minute I saw it.

My mom handed it to me, all wrapped in bright lime and turquoise paper with a big turquoise bow. I shook it gently, sniffed it, pretended I had no clue. But it had to be, it just had to be!

I ripped it open in record time.



9 comments:

  1. You can't stop there I have to know what is the present. Good job drawing me in.

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  2. I agree! Definitely want to know what the present is.

    I'm not getting a clear sense of your MC's age or gender, however -- and I wonder if something about the setting would be a helpful addition. Right now, all I'm seeking is the present and its wrapper and the fact that the MC wants something rather desperately. Yes, I wanna know what that something is, but I'd like just a tad more voice and setting.

    Christina
    LUCKY THIRTEEN entry #15

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  3. Maybe you could describe the present a little more to give us a hint right away about what it could be. How big is it? Is it shaped oddly? Square? Flat? I know you describe the wrapping paper but that doesn't give any clues about what is inside. Otherwise, I got a good MG voice out of this sample.

    PS. I could be wrong since it's a chicken, not a human, but should the title be The Chicken Who Saved the World, rather than The Chicken That Saved the World? Just checking.

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  4. Nice! This pulled me in. Some hints about the MC's age and gender would have been nice, but I assume those come after. I would read on.

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  5. Anonymoose and SquirrelJanuary 28, 2015 at 8:40 PM

    Thanks, all! The age, gender, what she hoped for her birthday and what she actually got, etc. all come out in the first 250.

    And Anonymous, I agree about the title. I go back and forth between Who and That and can't decide. It's probably more That than Who, because it has to do with a chicken, as in feathers, but it could also be construed as the MC being chicken when faced with her ordeal. I was hoping one of you would know, 'cause I don't!

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  6. Love the title! Great MG voice-she feels like a precocious girl. Put her somewhere, i.e sitting at the kitchen table, this will give us a better sense of place. Love the suspense of the gift; I'd keep reading.
    Write On!

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  7. Oh! I'm so drawn in! I'd like to know where they are--otherwise, no sense of place. But I have to find out what the gift is! I think it's not what she is sure it is. Even though she sniffed it. Funny.

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  8. Small suggestion, perhaps tweak the opening line -- for a bit more clarity -- to: 'I knew what my birthday present was the moment I saw (it) the box.' The descriptive details are wonderful -- as is the MC's voice. I, too, want to know what the MC got!

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  9. I want to know what the present is, just like everyone else. It would be interesting if she didn't get what she thought it was, but maybe something even better (time-travelling machine, or something). Was the present the "Chicken that Saved the World" as your title suggests?

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