Wednesday, September 23, 2015

September Secret Agent #16

Genre: MG Science Fiction

LV glided toward the monstrous columns of the Time Capsule, her skateboard careening around corners, smirking slightly as pedestrians jumped out of her way. The museum’s entrance topped a cliff that faced out over the Atlantic’s choppy waves, and the ocean brought a cold February wind that whipped at her face. She switched the e-reader from one hand to the other, the strange glowing word on the metallic cover challenging her to mock it. Ferret 229. The woman had said it was her title. Whatever. Ferret? No one better call her a ferret.

LV steered the skateboard up one of the ramps that spliced artfully through the hemisphere of grey and white marble steps spilling out from the museum’s entrance. Even at this late hour, people streamed in and out of the giant doors, which never closed. Most of them were leaving after working or visiting or eating fried foods at one of those themed restaurants LV couldn’t stand. But there were still a few entering, likely to play pick up ball or watch live 3D-projected basketball in the Sports Wing.

On her way up, LV noticed a cheerleader--Adriana maybe?--poised on one of the moving ramps. Was she really still wearing her uniform? Wasn’t she freezing? LV looked down at her own black wool jacket, black jeans, and black lace-up boots and rolled her eyes at the cheerleader’s short skirt.

When she reached the top, LV kicked her skateboard up into her right hand and swiped her membership card.


  1. I like this. I see so many positive things. So the book I would want to read in Middle School.

    I dislike LV's dislike of cheerleaders. I just get tired of the trope that cheerleaders are to be hated against. Although the being cold thing I could completely see. Maybe this is your character's bias. It moves right to a description of what she is wearing, which also feels a bit forced in my opinion.

    LV's personality is entertaining enough that I would read on with the promise of hearing more about the Time Capsule.

    Have fun writing!

  2. It's an interesting opening, and I liked the SF elements.

    MG usually has a top age of 12-13, and I wondered if kids become cheerleaders at that age. Maybe they do.

    I also wondered how people get in and out of a museum with an entrance facing a cliff that hangs over the atlantic. Perhaps describe it better.

    And perhaps reword the first sentence or make it two. Her skateboard is smirking, when she should be.

  3. It threw me off a little bit that the first two paragraphs started with LV. Also a few more sentences started with LV. Maybe you could vary the way your sentences start. Other than that, it was a good start. I want to see where it leads with the time capsule. Maybe let me know how far in the future this is taking place, if it is in the future at all.

  4. I'm curious as to where this is going. You use great visual cues to pull the reader into the scene--fantastic job!

    There's a lot of tense changes and gerunds/verbs-ending-in-ING, which are a little distracting. Those make it hard to focus on the story since there are so many. I wasn't sure what tense this was in. Is it present or past? Are we reading it as it's happening with LV, or has it happened and this is a retelling of sorts?

    Also, is LV her actual name, or her initials? That left me curious, as it's not a fluid letter pairing.

    I think you have an intriguing concept that needs some tightening/polishing, and I would definitely read on. Good luck! :)

  5. A little sentence restructure is needed if it's LV who's smiling - not her skateboard. '...her skateboard careening around corners, smirking slightly as...'

    The first two paras took a bit to get into - a tad too much description happening - but nice pace/voice for the last two. I see attitude!

    Intrigued where this is going.

  6. This left me very confused and asking questions, but not in a good way. The descriptions bounced around from the top museum to the e-reader to forcing what she’s wearing after the cheerleader comment. As someone else said, all of the verb-ing became very distracting (namely in the second paragraph). Does the museum never close? If so, why does she seem surprised there are still a few people entering the museum? Or is it that the doors never closed because of the people? I find the LV a bit odd — only because you use an actual name ‘Adriana’ later. I’m hoping we find out why she goes by what, I assume, are her initials.

    I do like the voice, though. She feels like the PITA protagonists that I like, and will definitely be a handful for whoever she’s working with… especially at MG age.