Wednesday, May 19, 2010

May Secret Agent #60 (redacted)

*redacted*

13 comments:

Trish said...

I really liked this and would definitely read on. Hooked, for sure. However, the voice reads more like MG than a chapter book to me.

Good luck.

middle grade ninja said...

The dialogue feels a little stilted, but I love ghosts. I would read more.

Desirae said...

I agree with ninja. The writing didn't grab my attention, but the potential certainly did. I love ghosts stories and you've set up a good mystery here. I would give it a chance and keep reading.

melodycolleen said...

love the spoof on his name. I like that he even looks like a ghost.

I wish the last line had come sooner so we could see how the kids react to it. So far, we don't have much information on the MC, but what we do have proves he's typical.

Good luck.

K. M. Walton said...

You did a nice job of slowly building the scene and left the reader hanging with the last line.

I wish you luck in the contest!

Bethany Elizabeth said...

I already like Napolean T. Geist, though I've never met anyone who actually introduces themselves with their middle name. Still, it makes him seem a little eccentric, so if that's what you're going for, great job. :D Although the first sentence could use some work. 'I said to my two best friends, Emma and Tim' kind of makes me cringe. I really enjoyed the rest of it though, so I'd say I'm hooked. great job!

roxy said...

I really enjoyed the pacing. Everything flowed so smoothly. The protagonist sounds like an interesting kid. This mysterious beginning would encourage me to read on. Well done.

Kelly Hashway said...

I like the concept but I think the writing needs a little work. I thought having the MC think "Ghosts here!" and then having the woman ask the same question was a little redundant. Also the focus is on the other people so we don't really get a sense of who the MC is. I want to get to know the MC right away. Right now, Geist is the more interesting character.

TamiJean said...

I'm not an expert on chapter books (not by a LONG shot) but I thought this was pretty hooky. The voice FEELS like a kid - appropriate for a younger audience.

The writing feels a little stilted in some places, though. Reading the piece aloud helps me with that in my own writing. For example, the "I said to my two best friends, Emma and Tim" - you're telling us that they're best friends. Show us, instead. I'm assuming the fact that there are three eavesdroppers will become important later, since they don't do anything here. The repeated "ghosts here" was jarring.

I LOVED the "Inn Rule #1" - makes me think there are other Inn Rules and tells me something about the narrator.

Bluestocking said...

I like the way the narrator talks about inn rule #1 and the fact that they are hiding behind the bushes and eavesdropping. this setup has a lot of potential. but as other commenter have alluded, the dialogue between the two grownups is boring. sure they are talking about ghosts, but in a really dry way. and why isn't the woman more put off by the subject? potential, but needs polishing.

Bron said...

I don't know much about chapter books either, but I agree that the ghosts here part doesn't need to be repeated, and that saying 'my two best friends' is telling rather than showing.

The story sounds good though, and I loved the 'not yet' line about the hiding and listening rule :-)

Sara J. Henry said...

The Pole T Geist pun pains me, but this age of readers won't get that anyway.

Not grabbing me, but I think it's awkward phrasing here and there that's throwing off the pacing.

Christina Farley said...

I think my boy who reads chapter books would be really into this. Ghosts are just so fun!