Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mini Are You Hooked #12

TITLE: Paramour
GENRE: Paranormal Romance


I break everything I touch.

That’s what my mother always told me. She thought the whole, ‘This is why we can’t have nice things,’ bit was invented with me in mind. I don’t think I was a particularly destructive kid – I was just a boy. I couldn’t help it.

I guess I still can’t help it.

“Mom?” I whisper, stepping into the room.

She doesn’t answer. She just sits on the edge of my old bed. Her hands are folded in her lap, her legs crossed at the ankles. Her long, graceful fingers coil into her palm, and I open my mouth to speak.

I want to tell her I’m okay, by some miracle I’m alive, but no words come out. They gurgle, trapped in my chest. Looking down, I see the shirt I wore earlier had been cut away. I blink to clear my vision, and find only the faintest smears of dried blood on my skin. And the
hole. A hole no bigger than a dime.

I raise my hand. The metal studs on my leather wrist band flash in the light from the sconce on the wall. I press my fingers to the hole. I need to muffle the odd sucking sound that should have been my breath.

It doesn’t work.

The hole is empty, dark, and fathomless, burrowing straight through me. I grope at my back, choking on my own blood when I feel the ragged edges of the much larger void in my back.

20 comments:

  1. I'm totally hooked and want to read more, please. :)

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  2. I like the images. The way the mom is sitting, her legs crossed, her long fingers. I'd continue to read to see what happens.

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  3. This is very compelling. THe only thing that struck an odd chord with me was the tense. The present tense seems a bit off.

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  4. Oh, I really want to know what happened now. I really like this beginning.

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  5. I certainly do want to know what's going on. The presence of blood certainly caught my attention!

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  6. I'm hooked.

    You give us clues at the right rate so that we're not too disoriented, which is especially tricky in something like this.

    The opening is a little awkward for me, but I can't put my finger on the reason yet. I'm not fully sure it's necessary. It's the kind of thematic thing I like to write at the start of scenes too, but often cut.

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  7. Hooked. I love the opening.

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  8. I love this. From beginning to end and want to read more. Fantastic writing.

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  9. Hooked line and sinker. I want to know more now. Where and when can I read what happened?
    Fantastic!

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  10. I'm very fascinated. I find myself wanting to know what comes next. Very descriptive!

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  11. Wow this is great. I want to read more!
    Just one thing. If he has passed on (correct me if I'm wrong) and is not visible to his mother, then the studs on his wrist band wouldn't be able to reflect light? Maybe I'm wrong.
    Good job :)

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  12. I'm hooked. I desperately want to know what happened to the boy.

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  13. Hooked. I think the tense works well for this particular story. Nice job.

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  14. I'm intrigued by the hole "crime" aspect of this beginning.
    I gathered he was shot from the front. Maybe he saw his murderer coming and doesn't remember?

    I really like it.
    The only thing that's a bit odd for me is the description of the hole in him. It's empty? Where did all the organs go? Even if you shoot through someone the hole won't stay empty for too long. But I guess that's just random stuff from a girl who has seen too much ;)

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  15. I don't think the 'help it' repetition was necessary at the beginning, but that said? Hooked. Fabulous writing and interesting opening scene. Not the biggest fan of romance, paranormal or not, but this definitely has me wanting more.

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  16. Oh yeah, I'm hooked. I have absolutely no idea where you're going with this, but after reading this, I need to know where the story leads. Good job.

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  17. I'm SO hooked! I want to read more please!!!

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