TITLE: Fab & Faery
GENRE: Humorous YA fantasy
Do you know what my secret dream is? I'd love to bathe in beads. I'd
fill a tub with rose quartz, citrine, and peridot, and then I'd slip
in with tiny Opaltone crystals in my hair. There'd be lots of candles
and I'd wear glittery makeup. How fab would that be? It could be a
music video! Dorian would probably go for it. He's the lead singer of
Phaeri Wings, my favorite band ever. He's got raven black hair and
green eyes, and he's totally dreamy. Maybe he'd be in the video... I
could pretend to drown in the beads, and he'd come in, his hair all
messy and his chest glistening with sweat, and he'd lift me up, and
then we'd -
"Miss Ravenstar?"
Drat. Why is it that someone has to bother you smack-dab in the middle
of the most delicious and meaningful daydream?
"Aren't these beads a bit too girly for a forty-three-year-old?" Mrs.
Honeytree asked, her watery eyes glittering behind her bottle-bottom
glasses.
I closed my eyes and counted silently to ten. Mrs. Honeytree wanted to
buy her unmarried daughter something that would dazzle the town's
bachelors, and nothing was spicy enough for her. It was obviously time
for my 'desperate mothers of singles' talk, which I had adapted from
an article in Fab'n Faery (that mag is a necessity of life, like lip
gloss).
"Mrs. Honeytree," I said, lowering my voice so that it sounded all
meaningful and mysterious. "Your daughter deserves these beads."
This sounds different and interesting. I like what you've done here. I would definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteWhy would she be daydreaming when someone is talking directly to her as Mrs. Honeytree appears to have been doing before the start of the story? But I'm interested in the voice, so I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI agree with middle grade ninja - how could she be daydreaming if she's in the middle of selling to Mrs. Honeytree? Could you move the daydreaming part to after she says, "Your daughter deserves these beads."
ReplyDeleteI do really like the voice in the opening paragraph though.
I can't tell how old the MC is - it sounds like she's older than YA to me, but I might just need to read on. And I feel like "dreamy" isn't really a word current teens would use. But the bead fantasy is interesting. ;) And it sounds like it might be a fairy story, which is cool, too.
ReplyDeleteI was also unsure as to the age of the MC. But the daydream didn't bother me at all (though it could easily be moved down) and I really, really love the voice. This sounds like a fun read and I'd definitely continue! :)
ReplyDeleteThe voice is strong here. I agree there's a disconnect between her daydreaming and dayjob. I'd like a better handle on setting and the fantasy worldbuilding, because I'm not sure why beads are so important here.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice. I have to admit I thought the MC was sitting in class and daydreaming until I read on. I'm kind of wondering why the MC is shopping with the woman. Why would Mrs. Honeytree ask the MC to help her select a gift for a 43-year-old woman? Seems a little odd.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing, but I think we need to see the main character - when Mrs. Honeytree asks if the beads are too girly for a 43-year-old, suddenly I think the MC (who's dreaming of beads) is 43 and sadly dreaming of rock stars.
ReplyDeleteThe daydream was definitely unique and fun, but I was somewhat offput by how she addressed the reader in describing it. The interaction with Mrs. Honeytree shows a lot about the MC, which is great.
ReplyDeleteAnd lip gloss is totally a necessity of life. :)
I love the daydream, but I'm not really hooked--I was a bit confused (the where/why/who in the scene). The voice felt a bit inconsistent as well.
ReplyDeleteBut for that opening image of beads, I'd read on a bit to see if it picked up.
I like the voice, but like one of the other commenters I did a double take thinking the MC was 43. I figured it out, but it took me some time. :)
ReplyDeleteI would like to reiterate that I like the voice though!!
I like the voice, but it sounds very mature and I'm wondering what age the mc is?
ReplyDeleteAgree with those above about the great voice. I got totally wrapped up in the daydream and then whoa! I didn't know where I was or what was going on. I need to know that--is the MC the clerk, Mrs. Honeytree's companion--I want to know because you've already hooked me with the well-done daydream.
ReplyDeleteVery fun voice, just ground me because I want to read on!
I also thought the MC was 43 at first. I'll read on. Nice voice.
ReplyDeleteThe flippant attitute of your MC promises lots of laughs and misunderstandings... I would read on!
ReplyDeleteI don't know where this is taking place. I could use some sense of setting. This could be an easy fix, as this has a lot of promise.
ReplyDeleteAt that the opening, I imagined a middle school kid daydreaming in class. And then Mrs. Honeysuckle's comment made me think she was talking to a 43 year old woman, and I thought the voice was way off. Then I looked at your heading and saw it was supposed to be YA, and realized she was a high school kid at work. So I was never grounded in what you had written.
ReplyDeletePerhaps establish time, place and character before you go into the daydream?
I really like the voice of your MC. I agree with the other posts that when you mentioned the 43 y/o I was caught off guard and had to do a double take. I would love to read more though.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice of the MC but it definitely sounds more like an MG to me.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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