TITLE: Knightfall
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
The guy's aura betrayed him. Whatever he was up to was bad. Like tearing wings off butterflies bad.
"Yeah, I got him," she said to the terrier pawing at her leg.
A shiver crawled up her spine as she stood frozen in place under the shade of the wing, watching him continue toward her. The plane was the only thing that stood between her and the man no more than twenty feet away.
She grabbed her logbook and pretended to read it in one hand as she clicked off the safety on the gun she held in her other hand, never letting the guy out of her sight.
As long as she could remember, she could see the energy of living things. On more than one occasion, her gift had been helpful since it was like having a built-in lie detector on steroids.
Like today.
Because everything about this guy's aura screamed foul. And that big ball of ugly intently focused on Kerra was now only ten feet away and closing the distance.
"Yo! Can I help you?" she yelled out, waving the logbook in the air.
He didn't respond. Instead, he just kept walking toward her, unfazed.
I can't believe the hairy berries on this guy. The fool was an idiot to try to steal a plane with its pilot standing right next to it. Unless...
Oh. S***.
For me, the "tearing wings off butterflies" line trivializes his badness. (Not that it's a nice thing to do, but there are so many more evil things that could come to mind.)
ReplyDeleteI do like how she talks to the terrier--I assume they can understand each other.
I'm not quite sure why she yells out when she does. Wouldn't that make him more likely to notice the gun?
The shift to 1st person threw me for a minute, but I assume it's internal thought that would be marked by formatting.
I do like the tension in this bit and the setup; I would keep reading.
Loved, loved, loved this. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem I see is the fifth paragraph. You don’t need backstory to tell us about her gift. Not at the beginning. I would delete that paragraph and “…Like today…” also and find a way to tell the reader this information later, but not as back story.
Start the seventh paragraph: “…Everything about the guy’s aura screamed foul…”
Let the reader figure out the back story.
And very good otherwise….I loved it and oh, yeah, Did I say Hooked? :)
For my part, I liked the "tearing wings off butterflies bad" line.
ReplyDeleteIn a more straight-forward story, I would agree with Sandra that it could trivialize the 'bad guy.' However, in this case, I think it helps set the tone nicely.
One nit-pick. I had a hard time picturing where the main character was. Big, international airport or single runway? I figured smaller locale, but again, just something that took me out of the moment.
I would keep reading.
I was intrigued curious to see what the guy was up too. I'd continue to read.
ReplyDeleteHuntress - great catch on the backstory... I kick myself because I never learn and always keep trying to throw in too much backstory early. It's that darn backstoritis acting up again.
ReplyDeleteDavid - very good point on the location. It's a tiny airport, and I'll be sure to build a better picture of the setting.
Thanks so much for the feedback. You are all the bestest!
I like the wings off of butterflies line. Actually, I found the 'hairy berries' more distracting. ;)
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read on!
I would totally read on. I could relate to his badness with the line about the butterfly wings.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. I wish there was a bit more setting explained. Where are they?
ReplyDeleteThis is another one I really liked. Definitely hooked. No particular problems.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I'd definitely like to know what is up with the foul guy.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of it, with the aura warning someone and she being able to judge people by their aura.
ReplyDeleteI also love the end of it and I would read on.
The only thing I really don't like is the butterfly metaphor for his badness. Let him kick puppies, torture kittens, behead rabbits or something else, but the butterfly thing makes me believe he's as bad as a curious three year old who will throw a temper tantrum, once he's told he shouldn't do it again.;)
The first few paragraphs had me very disoriented. First there's a guy--then there's a dog pawing at her leg--then there's a wing of some sort, and presumably a man. Her attitude to the dog gives me the impression that she's pretty confident about things, which the shiver in the next paragraph contradicts.
ReplyDeleteGood voice and situation, so I'd read on, but this could do with a bit of streamlining. Remember, we don't know what's going on; you have to be responsible for building the menta image in our minds and doling out the information at the appropriate times. The second half of this works much better than the first half.
Good luck!
Of the submission this round, this one IMO is the best. I liked your use of verbs (few "is," "was," etc.!) and the threatening tone of the scene pulled me in. I want to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteAs some of the others have pointed out, the paragraph about her always seeing auras could be deleted or moved to a later part as it completely stopped the action.
And at this point in the story, I don't care if she could have seen auras just recently (although you indicate she'd had this gift for awhile) or longer. I want to know how she's going to handle the guy coming toward her.
I also would recommend you not use the format "Oh. Crap." "Oh. My. God." as it now seems so last year or however you phrase a passing fad. It was a different way of "speaking" when it first came out. Now it seems so tired.
Anyway, just my opinion.
ReplyDeletenice!
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