TITLE: Fie Eoin
GENRE: Fie Eoin
Fwap!
Tears sprung into the young woman's eyes as the ends of the whip sliced through her back.
Fwap!
The whip came from the other side this time. Small, sharp stones tipped the deer hide thongs and dragged along her tanned skin; up to six thongs were tied into the handle of each whip.
Fwap!
The broken nails of her dirty fingers pressed into the boulder in an effort to keep her from rocking forward. Flecks of new and old blood spotted the pocked rock - flesh sacrifices to the war god, Eoin, for over a century.
Don't cry out, Kindra Odion, don't you dare make a sound, she lectured herself as she braced for the next blow. She tried to remember how many strokes the man before her had taken before being allowed to come away from the boulder to stand at the base of the cliff. Six? Nine? Before she could grasp a number the whips came down again and she gritted her teeth to keep silent.
Fwap!
The final whip had only one thick thong, tipped with a large arrowhead. The men whipping her had the advancements of metal at their disposal, and Kindra thanked Eoin that ceremony dictated the use of traditional stone tips for the whippings.
Fwap!
The chant eased into silent anticipation as the crowd waited for her response. Had it been too much for her? Would she collapse from the pain or turn to face them as the others had, ready to fight?
It looks like there was an error with your submission and the title got entered for your genre. I'm guessing fantasy or historical.
ReplyDeleteThe writing flows well, and the question at the end makes me want to know more about the whippings and the ceremony. I'd read on.
I liked the voice a lot. It definitely peaked my interest. The setting and situation made for an interesting intro. More please!
ReplyDeleteWow! A fascinating piece! I'd love to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe voice and the detail is good, but you wait to long to give us context. Why I am enduring this with the MC?
ReplyDeleteYour last paragraph is the actual hook, and I'd like to see that information up higher, maybe even at the beginning.
I'm with The Daring Novelist... I think the very last sentence may work well on it's own after the first 'Fwap'
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'm hooked.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what others have said- the last line is definitely the most hook-iest part of this.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read on.
I would read certainly read on to satisfy my curiosity. :)
ReplyDeleteOh yes I would like to read more. I am totally interested.
ReplyDeleteOne little thing I'd like to share. It is a pet peeve of mine when authors creat names that are too hard to say. Eoin for instance. I have no idea how to say it and then to have to read it over and over again would turn me off. That is just my opinion though and is in no way a reflection on the awesome start to your story.
Very interesting! I want to know what is going on here, so I would keep reading. You did a good job of showing us aspects of the MC's personality (determination, strength). I am not sure how I feel about the "fwaps." I think, for me, it would be stronger without them. That first sentence, at least, works better with out the "Fwap."
ReplyDeleteI also got hung up when she said, "don't cry out, Kindra Odion." I think when people talk (or think) to themselves, they don't address themselves by full name. It felt like an artificial way to give the info to the reader.
Great details in this piece - the old blood spotting the rock, her broken nails, etc.
This is a good piece of writing!
ReplyDeleteAnd I am hooked.
However, whenever I read 'Fwap' I was distracted. To me it sounds like a small child trying to say 'flap' and it kind of got me giggling. (My little one says 'birdy fwap wings'). So maybe this is just me.
But I think you have done a great job :)
Lost me right away. I'll endure a whipping scene in a book once I'm engaged in it and intrigued by the characters, but if that's how it starts - especially in this much detail - I'd put it down.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd keep going if it started here:
Don't cry out, Kindra Odion, don't you dare make a sound, she lectured herself as she braced for the next blow. She tried to remember how many strokes the man before her had taken before being allowed to come away from the boulder to stand at the base of the cliff. Six? Nine? Before she could grasp a number the whips came down again and she gritted her teeth to keep silent.
Then I'd be hooked.
Curious what genre this is, though I suspect fantasy based on the title? Maybe historical?
ReplyDeleteAnyway: I'd definitely read on to learn more! That said, I don't think you need all of this. The writing is pretty solid and the situation is obviously pretty darned intriguing, but it might go on a bit too long without giving us a real clue as to who she is, or why she's getting whipped.
I'd probaby also strengthen the voice here and there to better reflect her mood. She's being whipped, it hurts like hell, and she's *lecturing* herself. That doesn't seem like the right word under the circumstances. You could probably take out the tag altogether and just put it in italics. Shorter, choppier sentences might also work better.
I usually tend to avoid 'filtering' - that is, instead of, "She tried to remember how many strokes..." something like, "How many strokes...?" It puts us more in her mind. That, however, could be entirely personal, and I wouldn't want to impose my own writing style on you - from such a short sample it just tends to be difficult to tell how purposeful some decisions are.
Anyway, ignore at will, just sharing my thoughts. Good luck with this! :)
ReplyDeletenice!
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