TITLE: BLOOD PROPHECY
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Lead in: Akasha has just discovered that her roommate is a vampire. She stumbled upon his secret lair and he doesn't look happy.
Silas appeared, blocking her escape. She tried to turn around, but with the speed of an engine misfire he caught her, imprisoning her in his arms. Cold seeped over her as she raised her eyes to look up at him. His eyes still glowed like green fire. She shivered. I'm going to die now. She gazed up at him resolutely, taking in the sight of his tall dark form looming over her. His bare chest was warm against her. He has muscles like cast iron, she mused. She flinched slightly as his lips curled upward, revealing the glistening fangs. For a moment time seemed suspended as she stared at him, spellbound by his dark beauty. His grip tightened on her and she held her breath, waiting to feel his teeth sink into her neck. Will it hurt? She wondered, or will I like it?
His lips came down on hers. She jumped. They were cool but the heat of the kiss encompassed her whole body like the fires in a combustion chamber. She closed her eyes and gave herself over to the mind-bending pleasure. She reached to grab his shoulders, when suddenly it was over. Akasha opened her eyes. He was gone.
She sank to the floor and hugged her knees, trembling violently.
Too many industrial overtones (engine misfire, combustion chamber). It didn't feel like she really wanted him to kiss her.
ReplyDeleteI like how she is expecting him to bite her but he kisses her instead, and how he vanishes. I also like the thoughts and her doubt and I'm wondering if perhaps a couple lines of conversation would add some nice finishing touches to this scene. Overall, though, I keep wondering in this genre - why are vampires always so attractive? I'd love to see one that was just average. Like the boy next door charm.
ReplyDeleteThis was a bit challenging to read because your internalization is buried in the paragraph. Separate these thoughts into their own paragraphs. --"I'm going to die now" and "He muscles (are) like cast iron" "Will it hurt or will I like it?"
ReplyDeleteYour descriptions of the vampire seem to contradict each other--cold, green fire, warm chest, cool lips, heat of the kiss. Also, lots of industrial images--engine misfire, cast iron, combustion chamber.
Like that he disappears mid-kiss. How frustrating would that be?! Darn vampires, anyway!
This one didn't really pull me in. I think because it didn't seem to flow, to me. It sort of jumped all over the place, from thought to external action, etc...instead of flowing from one to the other.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kathleen - there was something about the flow of this one that didn't quite work for me. Maybe it's the repetition of similarly structured sentences. If you look at that first paragraph, almost all of the sentences are about the same length, and they're all pretty much subject-verb-clause, subject-verb-clause. (Which is great in query letters, less great in the manuscript itself.)
ReplyDeleteI love the premise for this, and I loved how scary he was.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that broke me out of the story was that she wondered was "Will it hurt or will I like it?" If you thought you were going to die, would you also wonder if you would enjoy it?
I liked the kiss (except for "mind-bending"), and I definitely want to know what happens now that she's discovered his secret. I love the name Silas!
I just didn't get pulled in. But perhaps the internalisation loses in the loss of italics or something?
ReplyDeleteSometimes that's all it can take to lose some of the drama of the moment and break up those long paragraphs.
I seem to feel to want to have some dialogue in this to move it faster? Perhaps we just need a little more passion?