TITLE: Hidden From Sight
GENRE: Romantic Suspense
Jonah stunned Maya as he grabbed her arm and pulled her into his embrace. His fingers loosened the tight bun holding her hair as his lips sought hers. Roughly, he kissed her lips, tangling his fingers in her long curls, still damp from her shower. His teeth raked her lips as he took without apology, claiming her as his and his alone. He tugged her head back, leaving a trail of kisses to caress her neck and shoulders. Maya sighed deeply, carried away in the moment.
Without warning, he released her. Jonah's smoldering eyes, liquid pools of chocolate, offered no apology. "I've wanted to do that for such a long time."
"I thought you wanted to talk." Maya could hardly even keep her voice from quavering. She hid her shaking hands behind her back.
Jonah smiled a devilish grin. "I lied." With that, he turned and sauntered away.
Bewildered, Maya reeled backward, praying her trembling legs would hold her. "Damn him," Maya whispered softly as she pressed her fingers to her swollen lips. "Damn him all to hell." She watched as Jonah strolled away.
Very strong kiss! Perhaps a little too strong for me - I found the teeth a bit disconcerting, because it seems a bit violent, especially with her lips swelling. He'd have to do something pretty rough to have that effect. I have to be honest that I'm not a fan of slightly violent imagery leading to a woman loving it.
ReplyDeleteSecond para - probably don't need to say Jonah there because we know who it is.
All that being said, it's a powerful scene.
how does Jonah know what Maya feels? show her looking stunned or pulling away or slapping him or something...
ReplyDeletehard to undue a bun in the back of the head and seek lips at the same time; maybe hair first? kiss second?
teeth raking sounds like something from an old romance novel
what did he take without apology?
suggest putting Maya's actions in her own paragraph. How does he know what Maya's feeling and what kind of woman likes to be mistreated this way?
what is a devilish grin? show us
he claims her as his and then walks away? doesn't seem consistent.
don't need even n the Maya could hardly sentence.
why is she hiding her hands?
like the last paragraph...more of that, please.
I don't read a lot of romance, so take this as you will. But it would be fun to see this tightened up. If you took out some of the adjectives and clichés- tight bun, long curls, devilish grin, reeled backwards, smoldering eyes of liquid chocolate-you could add setting, or layer in more tension, foreshadowing etc.
ReplyDeleteLotta drama here, the ‘melo’ kind. Not good.
ReplyDeleteWaaay to many adjectives/adverbs. Example: “Maya whispered softly…” Um, how else does a person whisper? Loudly?
Sorry, this needs some cleaning up.
Try, try again.
This felt a bit overwritten for me. I liked the basis of the kiss, but there was a lot of extra stuff hanging about.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the overwriting feedback. I also don't read this genre, but its...not working for me. This line was what REALLY did it, though:
ReplyDelete"Jonah's smoldering eyes, liquid pools of chocolate, offered no apology."
Smoldering's not great, but the liquid pools of chocolate just makes me think of that scene in Willy Wonka where the fat boy drowns in the "chocolate river" that just looks like mud. Or poo.
I'm sorry :(
So she wants to kick the guy n the nads, but she also wants to kiss him again (a lot). Pretty much the definition of a Romance hero, yes?
ReplyDeleteEhhh... I didn't like the teeth, he seemed too rough, I don't care for forced kisses, I don't like the hate-him-but-love-his-kisses thing, and I think it's overwritten. Once you get out of the kiss, though, your writing smooths right out and makes me want to know more about your story, minus the kiss.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it´s a bit wordy and cliché, but I loved it. One of the best kissing scenes I´ve read. It threw me right on the scene. But yeah, the teeth thing is a bit off the moment here lol
ReplyDelete