TITLE: October Reflections
GENRE: Women's Fiction
"Let's see how tough you really are, Blondie!" The words were barely out of his mouth before he was across the bed and pinning me down. I struggled against his hands on my wrists and pushed back with all my might, smiling the whole time.
Jake let up a little bit and let me struggle against him until I found myself sitting up in the middle of the bed, face to face with him.
I nervously began to babble about something I've long since forgotten and he interrupted me by telling me playfully to, "Shut up." Clearly he knew me well enough to know that I couldn't shut up on my own, so he leaned quickly toward me and pressed his lips to mine for a kiss that seemed to last an eternity.
Suddenly all the waiting around I'd done was worth it. That moment was worth all of the pacing around, all of the nights he pretended to ignored me, and all of the nights I was so aggravated with him that I wanted to scream. Apparently the same passion that leads you to want to strangle someone also sets the groundwork for the kind of kissing you hear about producing fireworks. I'd never kissed someone like that and, in that moment, I never wanted to stop. We held onto each other so tightly you'd think it was to keep from drowning, all the while our mouths were pressing harder and harder against each other.
I like the playful romp that leads to a hot romp. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteThe one area that pulled me out of the story was the end of the sentence that began with "clearly he knew me well enough..."
I think it would be a stronger vision for the reader if you stopped the sentence at "kiss" because it allows us -- and the couple -- to stop in time, for that perfect moment of contact, to just enjoy it.
When you add "that seemed to last an eternity," you don't get to pause and enjoy. Plus, the next paragraph really does take on that concept of eternity for you.
I enjoyed it!
It's me, Sophia, again. I meant you should stop the sentence at "lips to mine," not kiss. Sorry!
ReplyDeleteI like the playfulness, and it doesn't seem like he's aggressive, which I like also. Last para felt a little cerebral to me, mostly with the line "Apparently...fireworks" - almost would rather this came after the kiss than during, because it breaks up the otherwise quite heated moment.
ReplyDeleteReally? She thought all of that while kissing the guy? 4th paragraph really takes me out of the kissing moment.
ReplyDeleteGood voice. The MC seems neurotic and someone fun to hang out with.
This reads as a really natural 1st person voice. I can rarely get pulled into 1st person because it doesn't seem natural, but you did it really well here!
ReplyDeleteThat said, however...it does sort of feel like she's telling us about it after the fact. Which is, of course, what she's doing...that's what all 1st person is...yet a good storyteller still pulls her listeners in so they FEEL like they're there in that moment. Here, all of the reasoning and conjecture seems more like what she realizes she thought about it after the fact, not what she was thinking about at that very moment.
I should have put this as the intro, but I just didn't think about it...this is part of a flashback, which is why it is past tense.
ReplyDeleteThis seems like a lot of teling to me. It's just he kissed me, and it tells about how he's the kind of guy where fireworks go off, but I don't feel that from her.
ReplyDeleteAt first when I read this I thought he was being forceful vs playful.