TITLE: Ella's Dance
GENRE: YA
(Best friends at mall.)
It was Ella 's idea. She wanted pictures of the two of them for her scrapbook. So they jumped into the photo booth and made goofy faces while the camera flashed. Trey made Ella laugh so hard that her stomach muscles hurt. No one else could make her laugh the way Trey could. Then it happened. He lifted her face and she stopped laughing and their lips touched. Neither one had ever kissed anyone before, so they didn't know quite what to do. Their front teeth bumped. Trey bit Ella s lip. She turned one way and he turned another way. But eventually they figured it out - they just needed to remember to breathe.
Ella said it first. "I think I love you. I mean, really love you. Like more than a friend."
That's all it took for Trey to open up and share what was in his heart. Their childhood friendship had turned into teenage love. Funny, Ella thought as she looked at the strip of black and white photos. Things aren't always black and white, even when you think they are. Their relationship certainly wasn't black and white. Not anymore. With a turn of life's kaleidoscope, a new pattern had emerged - one filled with vibrant bits of color that made them dizzy and crazy and fearful and drunk with happiness all at the same time.
I was very impressed. I loved the title and the way the entry segues from the kiss into her thoughts in the present day. Color me thoroughly intrigued.
ReplyDeleteBottom line; loved it, every bit of the sample and would definitely, most definitely read more.
Good Job!
This was very sweet. You can actually feel the innocence of the first kiss. Great job!
ReplyDeleteDitto. I don't think I can say something better than the first two.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of this. But I didn't realize it was a flashback until I got to her looking at the photos. (or is it?) If so perhaps you could start the first sentence with "It had been Ella's idea." Otherwise, the para feels a bit like telling, if it's not a flashback. I'd be interested in seeing how Trey made Ella laugh so hard, and some conversation intermingled into the awkward kiss would heat it up.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the flashback. This starts almost like an omniscient view of the kiss but then switches to a flashback from Ella's perspective. If you want it to be the latter, I think you need to re-word the first paragraph so it is her POV.
ReplyDeleteseems like a lot of telling. i'd like to see this shown, e.g., show us how the intensity of their feelings (which ones?) are building.
ReplyDeletebringing up the investigation at a moment like this, deletes the intensity---who thinks about tomorrow when you're concentrating on a first kiss?
she leaned up to meet her lips with his sounds awkward to me and takes me out of the story.
whoops, i was talking about number 46! don't know what happened...
ReplyDeletefor this one, I'd also like more showing and more dialogue; don't tell me; show me. black and white is a bit cliche; show me something fresher.
what is life's kaleidoscope? show us
we're in Ella's POV, so how does she know what he's feeling, unless she asks or he tells her?
Then it happened isn't needed; just show it to us.
I'm waiting to hear Trey open up and show us what's in his heart.
I liked this a lot but agree that I'd like some dialogue intermingled with the kiss and I'd like to hear what Trey tells her after the kiss.
ReplyDeleteI think you nailed the emotion in the first paragraph. I would also like to hear some of the funny things Trey is saying. I would have liked to see you work in more of the 3rd paragraph info in the actual scene (even though its a flashback, which I didn't catch) I thought it was just immediately after the kiss. Opps. I think the first part is so picture perfect that it was tough to leave it and go back to the rest. Really cute!
ReplyDeleteI love the innocence here, and the line 'Like more than a friend.' It's sweet.
ReplyDeleteI love the innocence portrayed, makes you remember your 1st kiss. The awkwardness of the first time. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the paragraph before the first one posted here explains this is a memory. It took me a moment to realize the 3rd paragraph was a flashback.
Overall I thought it was a wonderful kiss.
Loved the front teeth bumping, the maneuvering of heads and noses to get it just right. Boy, that brings up memories of first kisses so awkward, yet so sweet.
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree with the others. I think the level of telling was just perfect, even if we weren't in a quick little flashback. You don't waste time getting to the important part. You set the scene neatly with a few quick sentences (the photo booth, the goofy faces, the laughing-so-hard). And then the kiss, the catalyst for her to realize and confess how she feels. If you spent more time with showing and describing, you'd risk ruining the neat rhythm to the scene you have now.
I have to admit, I completely missed that it was a flashback, and I read it twice! I'm thinking perhaps that might be more obvious when the scene isn't taken out of context.
ReplyDeleteSuch a wonderful description of an awkward first kiss, though!
Good point Authoress!
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize it was a flashback either, so I was going to nail you on telling vs. showing. Since it's a flashback though, you're forgiven, and it was quite good! :)
ReplyDelete