TITLE: REVENGE OF THE PINK GRANNY PANTIES
GENRE: MG Contemporary
I walked into math class and scoped out the sub.
Easy prey. What little life this guy had was about to get a whole lot worse.
Mrs. Billet, our math teacher, had finally had her kid and was home changing diapers for a month. We were on our second sub of the week, and Foster F. Finkman made it his job to upset subs. I was his partner in crime.
Mr. Thompson was the victim of a bad brown toupee. It reminded me of Grunt, my guinea pig. This teacher wannabe was somewhere between thirty and fifty, wore braces and smelled like he had roadkill in his grill. I'd had him as a sub since kindergarten, and he hadn't changed a bit. Except for the braces.
Toupee Thompson knew all of us at Harly Middle School by name. It isn't a big school, since Harly, Oklahoma isn't a big town. Okies say you can stand at one end of it and spit to the other. So when he noticed Finkman was new, the sub flashed a silvery smile and squeaked, "What's your name, young man?"
Finkman stood and squeaked back, "Foster Florentine Finkman. And I hope you don't mind me asking, but is that your real hair?"
The class went crazy. Thompson turned pink and started to stutter. He had this foamy spit at the corners of his mouth. "F-F-Finkman? What kind of s-s-stupid m-m-made up name is that?"
LOL! I love this title.
ReplyDeleteI don't read MG, but I think this is good. Hooked.
Good luck with SA!
Yeah. Kudos on the title. A book about pranksters and ne'er do wells sounds like a fun read.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. Loved the name, Foster Florentine Finkman. And the question. Too fun!
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I just don't get it. It read flat to me and I could't see reading any further. It has no hook and frankly kind of stupid. I wasn't impressed. Sorry. And the title doesn't seem like a book a boy would read. I think you need to rewrite the beginning and create more of a hook. Boys will put down book rather quickly. You need to draw them in. Try joining a writing group or critque circle. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice. And, the idea of a prank on the horizon. I would have liked to have jumped right in though, rather than hear so much description about the sub. Still, I would read on. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI would definitely drop pink from the title. Otherwise, the structure is great and you certainly made me laugh a few times. Two thumbs up.
ReplyDeleteOh, I love this one. I love naughty school kids. Great names and a great voice. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Not hooked. It seems FFF is the star of this story, and I'm going to hear about it through someone else's POV, someone who's name I don't even know yet.
ReplyDeleteAnd all I'm getting concerning hints to plot are the adventures of a trouble-making team. There may be more to it than that, but it doesn't show in these 250 words.
Perhaps give us more of your main character, or make triple F the MC?
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ReplyDeleteSorry, but I have to agree with Jenny. It seems a little bland, and kind of forced. I did like the title, but it might not be the best one for attracting young male readers. The idea is good, and with a little revising it could be a really good read. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteSome fun humor and funny images. SOmetimes the language is a bit old for the humor. I'm gonna say this is almost a chapter book. But I like it, and I think kids need books like this. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteLove the title. I like this overall, but there were a couple things that threw me off. If the MC's known Mr. Thompson since kindergarten, why does he say "this guy" in the second sentence? It makes it seem like he doesn't know him. I found that conflicting. Also, calling his friend by his first name, middle initial, and last name seemed weird. Kids don't do that--especially with their friends. Also, I don't think a sub would criticize a student's name like this, even if he thought it was a fake name. It's too risky.
ReplyDeleteThis was fun. I don't read much MG, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but I liked a lot of this. I liked the voice and that they were torturing the sub. Loved the sub's nickname!
ReplyDeleteLove the voice--it definitely entertained me. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn on this one. Normally, I would say start out with some action, but I had fun reading this one because of the voice and the humor. I would definitely keep reading to find out how the granny panties fit in! The title caught my eye while scrolling through the entries, which shows it peaked my interest.
ReplyDeleteSomeone else mentioned that Foster F. Finkman seems like the MC, and that did occur to me too while reading this. We hear so much about Foster and Mr. Thompson that the MC remains shrouded in mystery. Although, maybe that's what the author intended...
I'm finding it breaking my suspension of belief that the class and the sub would react that way to Foster's question. Nobody's asked him that before? Really? And the sub reacts with kid language instead of adult language. This just isn't a believable situation to me.
ReplyDeleteTitle is catchy and the names of the characters are nice. Not much happening otherwise, but it's got enough promise to make me read on. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice! Hilarious title and love the plot so far. A few sentences could be either chopped or combined for smoother reading, but overall I'd totally keep reading.
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