TITLE: Hunting Delilah
GENRE: Thriller/Crime
The pointer scraped over the whiteboard and Delilah sighed. She glanced around the hotel suite and noted that all three of the others were nodding, eyes focused hungrily on the plans being laid out before them. Amateurs. Sure, she needed the cash this job could bring just as much as anyone. Guaranteed to be a chunk of bills paid out, maybe ten thousand a man. It was an inspired hit on an illegal gambling operation.
Inspired by the movies. Delilah sighed again, mostly for effect this time, and rose to her feet.
"You can stop there, Charlie. I'm out," she said.
The rangy, middle aged man turned toward her, his pointer stick thwacking to a halt.
"There a problem?" he asked.
"Nah, no problem," she said. She had to be careful here, be nice but firm about it. She'd been referred to this job by Cardiff, a mutual acquaintance. "I'm a driver. What you need for this," and she motioned to the parking garage plans and the ramp he wanted her to magically get a car over, "this needs a movie stunt team. Not worth the risk for me. Sorry guys."
One of the guys, a lock man, she guessed from his pinched look and small build, jumped up too.
"This is what we get for lettin' a woman on a job. You just gonna let her walk?" His voice grated, making Delilah happier about her decision. She wanted out now, out of this room full of wishful thinkers...
Delilah sounds like an interesting character, but there isn't enough tension here to hook me. I don't really see what's causing her to walk away from this job. Does she doubt her driving skills? What makes the ramp so scary? I do wonder if the other men will hunt her down for refusing, but so far it doesn't seem like it's that risky.
ReplyDeleteA few nits: "Inspired" is used twice in two sentences; the repetition didn't work for me.
Given that she's a woman in what seems to be a male-dominated profession, would she really think "ten thousand a man"?
Hope this helps.
I would read on, but the first paragraph doesn't do as good of a job in conveying information as what she says when she explains why she's quitting.
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph, it sounds like they're having a business meeting until the last sentence. I'd be more hooked if I got the physical layout and then the explanation came from what she says.
I liked this but I feel the same way I did about Entry #2...And thats that I want to see the main conflict a bit quicker. It can be easily fixed. The voice is great, the descriptions nice and to the point, and the dialogue active.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the start is a little confusing - took me a few takes to get it right in my head.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite hooked on the action, but I'm definitely hooked on the main character. I like Delilah and you've given her a solid voice.
One dialogue quip. Where you say: "What you need for this," and she motioned to the parking garage plans and the ramp he wanted her to magically get a car over, "this needs a movie stunt team."
I feel like this doesn't flow well (especially if you take our the description in the middle). Maybe try: "What you need for this," and she...a car over, "is a movie stunt team."
Hmm. I'm on the fence with this one. I like the premise, but it didn't really reach out and grab me. Maybe we need to know a little more about the action being described, and why Delilah isn't feeling it. I'm not really sure what her purpose is in this situation.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. Definitely needs more conflict. You mentioned that she needed the cash. It may be helpful to explain why.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. This didn't feel real. It reminded me of a low-budget crime show I'd find while channel surfing, and I wouldn't watch any more than that scene. I agree that it would be nice to give her more of a motivation: what would the money be for? Paying for daycare? Getting a boob job? :) The reader needs little insights like that to know the MC right off the bat--then the story feels real.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. The writing just doesn't seem polished enough to pull me through, and it's a bit tell-y here and there. Try to tighten things up, focus on what's important. For examples, "rangy, middle aged man" might describe him, but I don't get a lively image - plus, you need a dash there: middle-aged.
ReplyDeleteWith some polishing though, I'm sure this could be great. Good luck!
If she's at a planning session for a crime, could she just leave after learning what they are going to do? Wouldn't she be a liability to the others?
ReplyDeleteFor me, this was not a believable scene.
Sorry.
Delilah seems like an interesting character...not entirely hooked, but I would give this one a chance and read the second page for sure!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
ReplyDeletenice!
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