TITLE: The Bearers of Life
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
"Watch him." Jordan grumbled under her breath as she sipped her coffee. For three days she had been pretending to enjoy a leisurely day off outside this stupid coffee bar all so she could keep an eye on the nameless pretty-boy in front of her. She'd had enough. There were other things she needed to focus on.
Flipping open her phone, she typed out a text message. "I want an explanation." Then pushing the button with a little too much force, she hit send and put it back down to wait. If she was going to waste her time with this pointless task, she was damn well going to know why.
"Can I get you a refill?" The deep voice of her intended target came from right behind her, taking Jordan off guard. The jolt of surprise shot straight through her and into her coffee: her phone and her lap we now completely soaked.
Oh crap!" she gasped, jumping up at the shock of being covered in her own drink.
"Are you alright, Miss?" he stammered, grabbing the towel he had in his apron to try and sop up the mess.
Oh very smooth, Jordan, she cursed herself. Way to blend in.
"It's fine. Don't worry about it." She tried to play it off like any normal person would. Taking the towel out of his hands, she cleaned up whatever was left. "I guess I just wasn't paying attention to what I was doing."
I was definitely intrigued. Plenty of good conflict established in a short amount of time. Who is Jordan and why is she watching this nameless pretty-boy? Who is giving her orders?
ReplyDeleteTwo minor things threw me off. First, if she's been at a coffee bar all day (for three days straight), then it would be truly difficult to blend in. The staff would surely notice someone who suddenly started hanging around all day.
Second, if her only purpose is to watch the nameless pretty-boy, how does she manage to lose sight of him - so that he then is able to get behind her? I imagine her sitting in the corner - or somewhere likewise strategic.
Again, minor points. I'd keep reading to get some answers.
I like this story and feel like it's full of potential. Similar to what David said, I was confused how a girl could hang out for three days without being noticed - guess it depends on the size of metro she's in maybe. I think if you give the reader more insight into that, it would be an awesome story. I was very nearly hooked.
ReplyDeleteYou've established conflict well!
ReplyDeleteThere are basic writing things that need to be fixed. For instance:
"Oh crap!" she gasped, jumping up...
You can't physically "gasp" words. If you want her to gasp, you might reconstruct the sentence like this:
She gasped and jumped up. "Oh, crap!"
Also:
"Are you alright, Miss?" There is no such word as "alright." It's ALL RIGHT. And I think the "miss" sounds kinda stilted, but that may just be me.
One more:
Oh very smooth, Jordan, she cursed herself. Way to blend in.
I would take out the "she cursed herself" and make it more immediate by simply providing the internal dialogue in italics:
Oh very smooth, Jordan. Way to blend in.
So some editing and tightening will help this a lot. Like I said, you've got the basic conflict down, and it's certainly a situation a lot of us can relate to. (Well, at least me. I spill stuff on myself all the time...)
OKay, I get that you're trying to keep the guy a mystery, but it's not working here because it isn't done well. Don't say things like 'intended target' instead give him a nickname. If she's been staring at him for a few days... she's named him in her thoughts...
ReplyDelete"Can I get you a refill?" Pretty-boy's deep voice came from right behind Jordan.
I'm not sure that I'm hooked, but I am curious as to why she's watching him. I would probably read on, but I agree that there needs to be a little tightening done.
ReplyDeleteI would read on to see where the author is going. I think this Jordan already seems to be an interesting character.
ReplyDeleteI am interested but a little confused.
ReplyDeleteIs it supposed to be "Watch him," Jordon grumbled...or was "Watch him." and then a new sentence starting with Jordon grumbed...
I was confused if Jordon was grumbling to herself or if she was remembering a command someone gave her.
Also, how do you blend in if you are outside a coffee shop for 3 days straight?
I am interested to see what happens but maybe not hooked.
I agree with Iwanna, the construction of the first sentence threw me a little.
ReplyDeleteBut I am definitely hooked anyway. It feels like a mystery - which is my favorite genre - but romancy too.
The idea of it leaves me intrigued, because I want to know why she's watching a guy for three days, without knowing exactly why.(and I'm also intrigued that no one noticed her watching him for three days). If she's an agent, she sure isn't experienced or well trained.
ReplyDeleteHowever I have to admit I don't like the title. It's a bit too... much, for the lack of a better explanation.
I think some more subtle hints, maybe of an upcoming danger or something would make it better.
Hooked! Good voice, interesting scene.
ReplyDeleteA few bits stood out at me, though. A sentence like "her phone and her lap we now completely soaked" - aside from the typo - is quite passive and could be rewritten to be much more active and interesting. The dialogue tags also bothered me: gasped, stammered, etc. Instead, show how they're saying what they're saying.
Bits like "jumping up at the shock of being covered in her own drink" are overwriting; she just spilled coffee on herself, we understand why she's gasping and jumping up.
You might want to tweak the last paragraph slightly to add a bit more tension, as it seems to resolve some of the conflict--remind us of why she's there (or hint at it) and it might be stronger.
Like I said, though, I'm hooked. All those are just my personal thoughts :) Good luck with this!
ReplyDeletenice!
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