TITLE: Everything But the Flying Monkeys
GENRE: YA
I'm still ticked off at Mom so I shut the car door a little harder than I should and stomp away. I know she's probably waving, giving me an encouraging look, or (God forbid) a thumbs up for my first day, but I don't look back or even throw a wave her direction. Like I said. I'm not done being mad.
When I'm about halfway to the front door, I hear her drive off. At least she had the decency to keep her hands off the horn.
Off to one side of the sidewalk is a grassy patch with a couple of scrawny saplings. Their leaves are a yellowish green. Back home, fall isn't even in full bloom and I already miss the Witch Hazel's purples, the Sugar Maple's scarlets and the impossible golds of the Mountain Ash.
I'm definitely not in Maine anymore.
The office is just inside the door. I tell the lady behind the desk who I am. "Welcome to Emerald High!" she says.
I scrounge up some cheerfulness. "Thanks." There's no point in making things worse, I suppose. Plus, good first impressions and all that. The lady pushes a button on her phone and motions for me to sit. I take a deep breath and try to ignore the knot of nerves in my stomach. There's a guy signing in and giving the lady some spiel about having an early orthodontist appointment. But he's just late. Not registering three weeks behind schedule like I am.
I'm not a big fan of first-day-of-school openings, simply because I've read too many, but I love the voice and the writing. I would definitely keep reading. *thumbs-up*
ReplyDeleteI like the writing but there is a tiny bit too much telling in your opening. You should be showing us she's mad, not stating it (twice). Also, the description of the grassy patch doesn't seem to flow well as positioned.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first commenter.
ReplyDeleteEdit and revise! (lots of fun)
Good luck with SA!
First impression. I thought she was being dropped off at home. I saw the "first day" part and it didn't immediately register. It talks about her halfway to the front door, and I pictured her on her front walk of her home. By the fourth paragraph I fully understand what's happening. This story could have potential, a lot of possibilities here, but maybe the specific introduction of the school could happen sooner to immediately establish a setting. Really, you could almost cut out the first three paragraphs or at least bump those somewhere behind. I would start with the fourth paragraph. It's tight and gives you a setting that makes your reader glad to be out of high school. Very glad.
ReplyDeleteThe first day of school opening wouldn't be enough to grab me, but I'm just hooked enough by the Wizard of Oz references that I'd want to keep reading and find out where this is going. But I would hope that the protagonist cheers up just a bit, because I'm not sure if I could read a whole book with someone being so grouchy. That's probably a matter of personal taste, though.
ReplyDeleteThe tree descriptions seem a little off; I think just because the rest of the passage is so sparse on description - we don't know what the school looks like, or the office, or the lady at the desk, so the details about the trees seem a little out of place. Otherwise, solid writing.
I agree that the first day of school opening is a bit overdone, but I like your MC's voice.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, it's an overdone opening and it's done in a very mundane way. It's very ordinary.
ReplyDeleteI'm saying to myself - girl in a new school. Nope. I've read dozens.
Perhaps add something to the opening to make this not so ordinary, something that will give us a clue that this is about more than a girl at a new school. If she's going to find herself, show her shy and timid here. If she's going to fall in love, show some other kids and , preferably, the kid she'll fall in love with. If she's being sent here because she's a problem child and her parents don't want her at home, show her angst. Give us something besides girl in a new school.
I'm a big fan of Wizard of Oz and love that twist. You've got a great voice too. I know right away how she feels and that there's tension between her and her mom.
ReplyDeleteThis has more of a middle grade voice to me.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, and I think the writing's solid. I was thrown off only by the capitalizations of the tree names. Are those normally capitalized? (I know nothing of trees...perhaps that's very standard. But I kept wondering if the trees were capitalized because they were Very Important Trees or something like that.)
ReplyDeleteIt may be an overdone opening, first day of school, like the previous commenters said, but it still sounds fresh to me. I like it.
I love the voice, but I'd like to know more about the MC instead of the trees. You could add them later.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing style though, so I would definitely read on.
Good luck!
I know it's only the first page, but there was nothing to grab me, nothing hinting about how this book won't be just another "Here's a glimpse into my life" story.
ReplyDeleteI want to know more about why she's mad and less about the colors of the foliage she is not seeing.
ReplyDeleteI really like the MC's voice. It has a real ring of authenticity to it. I also don't mind the first day of school because she's, essentially, joining a story already in progress. What about doing more with that -- showing us more about how she feels starting late? Or let us in on her reasons for being angry. Either (or both) have got to be more interesting than Maine trees.
I like the title, and based on that and "Emerald High," I'm assuming this has something to do with Wizard of Oz. I'd read on because I'm curious what that might be, but I think the writing could be a little tighter.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like a little hint of why she's mad at her mom -- at least some idea of whose fault it is and if her anger is justified or not.
Not hooked, sorry. It felt too ordinary. Is there a different place you could start?
ReplyDeleteI feel it would be more powerful of an opening if we start with the MC doing something in school in action or confrontation. Something that's not 'typical', since the whole "walks into school, sits in office, registers for classes" is a routine and not really that important. There's also a bit of telling rather than showing, which can trip up the flow of the story.
ReplyDeleteWhile I LOVE the voice and writing here, I do think a different opening place might work better so it's not the "same old" beginning (as others have also mentioned).
ReplyDeleteStill, for the voice alone I would definitely keep reading. :)