TITLE: Rainbow Kiss
Oh God. I'm so nervous. I can't eat and I haven't slept for the past two nights. Back to school tomorrow. I should be excited, and I am, sort of. But still, this is my first year without Tess who has been my lifeblood, my other half, my best friend since we were three! How could she leave me for the city? How will I survive? To think that we spent the past three years in the bliss of our own secret world, laughing at our own jokes, oblivious to all the other groups at school. I mean it's not like I don't know anybody else, I do, and some of the other kids are okay, but for the past three years Tess and I just stuck together and orbited our own planet. We've always been drifters really, hovering around the fringes of groups, throwing in the occasional conversation here and the required laugh there, but basically, we get our buzz from each other.
Come to think of it, I reckon our friendship pisses a few people off because they don't have what we have.
Crap but the tide has turned, right?
Where will I fit in?
S***. S***. S***.The one bonus is that I get to spend six or so hours away from the house and, namely, Derek. Urgh. Just writing his name in this new diary gives me the creeps and kind of makes me feel like I'm defiling the diary or tainting it with his name.
Sorry. Not hooked. To much telling instead of showing. It was kind of an info dump.ReplyDelete
Good luck with SA!
I had a hard time connecting with the character. I know it's just the first page, but I actually felt a little turned off by her. There's a lot revolving around one particular thing - Tess leaving. Her absence obviously impacts the MC, but I have to agree with Sarah, a lot of telling, not enough showing.ReplyDelete
Diary entries in novels are tricky. (Diaries AS novels are even trickier, though certainly they've been done successfully.) If you write it to sound like a real entry, you wind up with big paragraphs of telling. But if you write the entry with dialogue and description and "showing," then it sort of defeats the purpose of writing the scene as a diary entry at all.ReplyDelete
So... I don't know. I'm not particularly hooked here, although you have the seeds of conflict planted, so that's good. (Who's Derek and why is he so frightening? Interesting) I'd read on a few more pages, but I'd want to get into a real scene as soon as possible.
At first I was hooked, but I was expecting the anticipation to be something more unusual than going back to school without her best friend. Maybe if you trimmed the paragraph down a little bit, it wouldn't slow things down as much.ReplyDelete
Maybe if you went from "How will I survive?" straight to "I mean, it's not like I don't know anybody else...etc. our own planet" and then stop there. Just a suggestion, but I found those were the sentences I liked the most without it being too much info.
I'm interested in the conflict with Derek! Would like to read a bit more to see where it goes.
Not hooked. I think it needs to be made clear from the beginning that it is a diary entry, because I didn't realize that and it just seemed like a weird parade of thoughts. I am not loving the main character because she seems like she was a self-involved snob who has just found herself without a clique. I don't love diary entries, so if it isn't a big theme through the book, I would suggest you find a way to fit this information in while stuff is actually happening. I liked the last paragraph - am curious who Derek is and why she hates him.ReplyDelete
I like the upcoming tension of her tomorrow. Makes me wonder what so so creapy about Derek and how she'll survive school tomorrow. I'm not sure if you are planning on doing a diary format through the whole novel, or just snippets. I tend to get picky about them, maybe because they are hard to do!ReplyDelete
I'm leery about the use of diary format in a novel because of the natural inclination to tell vs. show, which is what happens in the first paragraph. I totally identified with the end, about Derek's name tainting the diary. Some guys are just like that.ReplyDelete
To me, there was a disconnect between the first paragraph and the rest. It almost sounded like a different person. There's also a lot of info right up front.ReplyDelete
I think you have an interesting character buried underneath an untrue voice. Now, I am NOT saying this to be snarky, honest. I really think you have a likeable character but she isn't speaking in her own voice yet - I hear too much of an adult trying to be a teenager voice.ReplyDelete
One writer, John Green, really nails the teen voice. He nails it. Get your hands on anything he wrote. I think it may help you to authenticate her voice...she's worth it!
Not hooked. Nothing happened. Put her in school on the first day without Tess and let's see how things go. Put her in a situation with Derek and let's see how things go. Let something happen.ReplyDelete
I've tried and scrapped several attempts at diary-entry novels. It's not easy. But sometimes the character is worth salvaging. So I wish you luck!ReplyDelete
For now, I agree the voice is too adult in spots, but that could be tweaked.
Well, for me, I think it started well. Even if the voice was too mature, I found that I didn't have a problem with the sentiment of the story. I don't know if I just missed it, but I don't automatically assume this is a journal entry. This is a first person story and I would turn the page. The voice is there and I chose the story on the basis of making up the numbers on critiques that received 11 comments or less. So for my part, and I have been criticised for being a hard critiquer, but I do believe that tough love is better than no love and better to cop it on the cheek here than in the editor or agent's office...ReplyDelete
I WOULD turn the page as I stand there in Borders to put my $$'s down.
I like your voice. However, the first para could be cut in half. Too much about Tess. The same info written several different ways.ReplyDelete
Who is Derek? I assume her little brother? Why the creeps?
Sorry, not hooked.
It sounds like this entire section is just backstory, and since you don't really tell us who Derek is, I'm not sure if I should assume it's her kid brother or a stepfather.ReplyDelete
I'm not a big fan of diary/journal entries, because they're tough to do - kids and teens won't spend time writing such eloquent sentences. They'd just flat out say "Thank God I'm nowhere near that ass" or something of the sort. They won't bother with the flowery words or extra descriptions.