TITLE: The Redneck's Ex
GENRE: Contemporary Romance
Summer Leigh recalls her first date and kiss from her ex-husband, Dwight. They were 16. Dwight has just met her family and her brothers gave him a hard time.
"I'm really sorry about that." I smiled. "You handled it well. Did you know what to expect?"
He laughed. "Yep. I have six brothers. We do the same thing when some sucker thinks he wants to date one of our sisters." He stopped at a traffic light and looked at me. "I thought my heart was going to stop when you opened that door. You look awesome."
He reached across the bench seat of the truck and grabbed me around the waist. With no effort, or resistance from me, he slid me across the leather and pulled me to his side.
"You're beautiful," he murmured just as his lips touched mine. Our first kiss. Gentle. Tentative.
Until I moved my lips. He deepened the kiss enticing my dormant, inexperienced tongue out of hibernation. Within a nanosecond, gentle and tentative turned into frenzied and all-consuming. His hand slipped under my sweater and burned my skin. That, and the car honking behind us, drew me out of the depths of his seduction.
Should have been a clue enough that he was trouble. Too much for me to handle, but there was no way anyone could pry me away from his gravitational pull. Like a black hole he drew me in and there was no way I could leave.
Until he kicked me out.
Yeehaw!
ReplyDeleteI'd like for the car honking to be presented more abruptly, so the reader also feels the kiss being interrupted. The way the narration is now ("That, and the car honking behind us, drew me out of the depths of his seduction.) makes the kiss just seem to fizzle, and I'm not sure that's the impression you want to give. The writing is nice and smooth, though.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with Kerri above, but that's pretty much my only constructive comment. Good job - enjoyable read, nice twist on the typical relationship, and interesting to think that he kicked her out. It made me wonder why.
ReplyDeleteWas thrown off by a couple of things:
ReplyDelete-When you say "Our first kiss." I thought it was over.
-You say he is gentle until she moves her lips but then go on to say it is his lips enticing hers. I'm confused. I think you need to be more clear about what you mean by her moving her lips.
-The "Until" is awkward. I'd change it to "Then".
-Hibernation implies that she has taken a break from using her tongue but then you also say her tongue is inexperienced. I don't think it can be both.
I actually really liked the "that, and the car behind honking!" I thought it not only clearly represented about how a girl's brain would be acting at that point, but also fit for a reader (like me) who's thinking, "Hey! They're at a stoplight! If someone doesn't start honking real soon then something's wrong!" :-)
ReplyDeleteMy only other thing is that...well...I wasn't able to go from inexperienced to being able or comfortable to kiss like that in one kiss. (It took three, hubby says...he says he didn't know what he was getting himself in for. LOL!) Anyway...do other girls figure it all out in one kiss?
I love the way this starts, and I think his reaction to her question at the beginning is a great window into his character - he seems confident and easygoing, easy to fall for. But the "heart was going to stop" line took me out of the story a bit. It didn't seem to be in his voice.
ReplyDeleteI think the the sentence "he deepened the kiss...." (etc) is a bit overwritten.
Love the "until he kicked me out" line.
This was great, except for that "He deepened the kiss..." sentence. Not only is it overwritten, as Empty Refrigerator pointed out, but it's also contradictory. How can her tongue be dormant and inexperienced? Either she's got experience that she just hasn't used in a long time, or she's inexperienced. But not both.
ReplyDeleteLoved how we know she can't resist this boy and then you throw in the the "until he kicked me out" line. Loved that. Funny and shows a great voice.
ReplyDelete:-)
ReplyDeleteZP
wonderful voice
ReplyDelete