Truth is certainly stranger than fiction. The following is an ACTUAL REJECTION E-MAIL I received a couple of months ago. It's too rich to keep to myself.
And I REALLY want to hear your responses on this. Was this person having a moment? Or is there some cryptic meaning here that I'm just missing?
Or, is this the actual form letter this agency uses? (Like, if you've received this exact rejection, I need to know!)
Names and links have, of course, been removed:
Know what, Authoress,
I've been an agent for 2 years now, finally got something through, it looks so far like it's the seller I thought it would be, and that's answered a lot of questions I had when I was querying around with a book of my own. The answer is: things with the agencies and publishers are just as you suspect in the first place. It's the same from working at McDonald's to the White House: almost nobody really knows what they're doing. They just talk like they do. And if you really know what you're doing, be careful, because you could scare people.
I promise not to do that at this Conference on (***) thing I've been invited to, a couple weeks from now.
{link}
Me:
{link containing photo}
I bet they put me close to the top of the list because everybody there has got a book to sell. If so, well, shoot, I was hoping I'd meet people to hawk my clients' work to -- besides in Malaysia, which is where my one guy is apparently selling like hotcakes.
This is a way of being very nice about not taking a look at the novel you've described below. Even if you were Mark Twain, right now, chances are just low, and I've got 14 other Mark Twains already...
(I await your responses.)
Very strange ramblings. I had to read this several times to follow it correctly, and I am still not sure I understand the agent clearly. Oy.
ReplyDeleteUm.
ReplyDeleteUh, WHAT?
Huh?
This is a serious letter?
Just. Wow.
They were drunk. Clearly.
ReplyDelete;)
This is actually a bit frightening. Seriously? Thank goodness you were rejected- looks like you dodged a bullet...
ReplyDeleteFile this under the "Thank God they didn't offer representation" column!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the personal response, but c'mon, just say "no thank you" next time!
Either nitwittery still abounds or this one's been hitting the gin bottle a little too hard while reading slush. ;)
ReplyDeleteSounds like you don't want this agent even if s/he did have time to read your query.
And, sorry to burst your balloon, Agent-person, but that email wasn't "very nice" at all. It was egotistical and self-aggrandizing. :P
I'm with the first Anonymous poster. I can't even figure out what said agent was trying to say. At first I thought it was a mistake--you know, s/he started writing to somebody else and accidentally sent it to you instead. But the end really does sound like it's aimed to you, so I'm totally lost. WEIRD.
ReplyDelete....there are no words.
ReplyDeleteUm?
ReplyDeleteWere they drunk?
And is weird that since they mentioned McDonalds, I now want a Big Mac?
I vote drunk with a dash of the crazy.
ReplyDeleteWhat??? Obviously not all there. Very unprofessional (and why did they put a picture with a link in the e-mail???)
ReplyDeleteI predict this agent won't last long. Obviously not the job for them.
Wow. Just. Wow.
ReplyDeleteO_0
Wow! I'm scared! It would've taken the agent less time to read your submission than to pen this rambling response.
ReplyDeleteBe thankful he/she didn't want to represent you. There's no wonder it took two years for this agent to get something sold.
Thanks for sharing
I'm astounded. There is nothing "form" to that crazy. So bonus for you on getting a very personal rejection...crazy...but personal (I hope).
ReplyDeleteWOW. Sounds like the guy doesn't know crap himself and is one of those, 'I know a guy whose cousin's brother in-law's sister's OBGYN is married to someone in publishing and can sell a book for you' sorts of people...
ReplyDeleteO_o
Suddenly my straight form rejections look pretty good to me...
WHAT THE FUDGE...
ReplyDeleteSeriously the strangest thing ever!
I wouldn't have been able to sit on this one either!
Is this a legit agent? I can't imagine receiving anything like this from a professional. I'd love to know what enticed you to query with them in the first place.
ReplyDeleteMay your next round of responses to queries be requests for fulls.
I can't believe there is anyone in the world who would want to be represented by this person. It makes me wonder if some vengeful ex-girlfriend (I'm assuming this person is a man; I shouldn't do that, but...)has hacked his email account.
ReplyDeleteSeriously weird.
Can we say tangent? Wow, It is sad to know that there are truly people like that who exist out there. I am glad that you made us all aware of what a real rejection looks like. Now I won't be confused when I get that one compared to 'I am not interested!' Thanks for the laugh today, it was priceless.
ReplyDeleteIt would be interesting to how your query letter read, not the section specific to your project, but did you add any personalized paragraph to your letter that might have solicited such a response?
ReplyDeleteIt almost reads like the agent thought that your query letter implied that nobody in publishing knows what they're doing. Is that possible?
If not, this is a very odd letter, indeed, possibly even a manifestation of a mental breakdown of sorts.
W,w,w, wwhattt?
ReplyDeleteI just read this three times and I'm no closer to understanding it. I'm not even sure if it's a rejection or offer of representation or other.
Baffled.
Oh. Um. Wow ... I need to get me one of these!
ReplyDeleteChalk another one up in the too-confused-to-tell-what-the-heck-it's-trying-to-say category.
ReplyDeleteRenee,
ReplyDeleteMy query is very standard, straightforward stuff.
As in, "I would appreciate your consideration of X, an X complete at XX words." And then the pitch. And then "thank you for your time."
I swear. :)
It's nice of you not to post the links, but... I kinda think maybe this should go on a "bewares" site - I mean, clearly this agent is a nutcase. I make a lot of allowances, but, WOW!
ReplyDeleteFor an agent to be good, lucidity, clarity, and SOME sort of command of rhetoric would be necessary. I'm with the other commenters... you dodged a bullet! To badly paraphrase a line from "Billy Madison"...I'm actually dumber now having read this. :-)
ReplyDeleteLike you probably felt, I lost about 10 minutes of my life reading that. And it took 10 minutes because I had to reread it.
ReplyDeleteUm....thanks? And if you were Mark Twain or any of us were....I would've wiped my butt with that rejection letter. Forget filing it. Unless you have a file in the toilet. I'm just glad I've seen the light and actually view agents as regular people that have a job to do unlike this agent who's job is obviously to confuse us "Mark Twain's" in the world.
I am so glad the previous commenters are as confused as I am....I thought for a moment, I was the idiot. Thank God it's that rambling idiot.
ReplyDeletePerhaps he dipped into some sauce??
Wow. That's just... I don't even know what that is? It sounds to me like the agent's assistant got drunk and decided to have some fun, or, um, wow. I wish you could tell us who it was so that I can make sure not to submit there!
ReplyDeleteAuthoress, please tell us more! It looks like you won't give up his (her?) name (although he might like that, given the weird self-promotion with the photo and conference link), but at least tell us if this person is from a legit agency?! Where did you even find his name?
ReplyDeleteIt's just so weird.
I'm working with people right now who are in the middle of severe mental breakdowns, and this kind of reminds me of them. Very disorganized speech, trains of thought, etc. Whoever this agent is, I'd urge them to seek help. I'm very serious here.
ReplyDeleteNo, this is their standard form, I got one, too. Only the second para talked about the agent's pet poodle and mercury being in retrograde.
ReplyDeleteI kid. But I did want to ask, do you query as Authoress? Do you tell the agents that you run this blog (note: I would), maybe that opened the door to this sense of familiarity. At least, I think that's what I sensed.
It's a rough business, and I bet it takes a toll.
I don't think I could have resisted responding with something like "Actually, Mark Twain was a distant cousin of mine, twice removed, and our family attorney will be contacting you regarding improper use of his name."
ReplyDeleteThe writing style is remarkably similar to my ex-husband's. As he is an insane narcissist, I assume this person is too.
ReplyDeleteThank your lucky stars. These people can be very charming when the mood is on them.
Later, you find out.
What the heck???!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat's...incredible. Hah!
OKay, did they know you were the Authoress? Like, was it a joke because they know you have a blog and are all about the demystifying of agents and such?
ReplyDeleteI think I'll have to read this a bit later on, with sufficient scotch under my belt, to really understand it.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's even more unique than the rambling rejection for LOLITA that ended with "It should be buried under a stone for a thousand years."
ReplyDeleteOr the rejection to CARRIE which said that "negative utopias do not sell." Dude, there was no utopia, negative or positive in Carrie.
Really, I'm almost jealous. If I'm gonna get a rejection, I'd love to receive something so amusing and weird.
Two words for you (or maybe it's supposed to be three? Whatever.): Batshit CRAZY. Seriously. Wow.
ReplyDeletePerhaps this person felt agents needed to be mistifying. Maybe you should offer him/her a copy of your book. ;)
ReplyDeleteI wonder if that person is reading this blog. I wish you could tell us what agency it is, so we could all have one. Joking of course. I meant so we could avoid it.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to post this prominently on a wall somewhere, for whenever you need a good laugh. Yikes!
ReplyDeleteYowza! Ty is right-thank god he/she didn't offer rep. This is so bizarre, I'm wondering if someone hacked into the agent's email account and this is a hoax. I agree with whoever said you might want to turn this one into Predators and Editors. This is just freaky.
ReplyDeleteBut also funny- thanks for the laugh.
I'm with the minority that thinks this agent was feeling like you were a friend because of the blog.
ReplyDeleteI think s/he was trying to do just what s/he said: trying to be kind about not looking at your novel. Trying to say the business is full of fools and everyone wants to sell him something but no one wants to buy what he's selling and it's not that your concept sounds awful but that it's just a really tough time to sell.
"This is a way of being very nice about not taking a look at the novel you've described below."
ReplyDeleteGlad that's cleared up. I thought being very nice was more like, "Your premise is intriguing, but it's not right for me." Or "I'm sorry I'm not the right agent for your work." or similar expressions. Now I realize these other agents weren't as nice as I thought since they didn't go on about themselves and offer me links to their conferences etc. ;-)
"Even if you were Mark Twain, right now, chances are just low, and I've got 14 other Mark Twains already... "
Wow! 14 other Mark Twains? That's amazing. I guess people should stop naming their children Mark Twain then.
Okay, all kidding aside, this has to be the strangest rejection ever. I'd hate to query since he/she is already so busy with his/her apparent seller and the one guy's hot sales in Malaysia.
If I swear on my soul and all that is sacred to me that I won't tell anyone who the agent is, will you PM or email me with the answer?
I hate knowing there's someone out there like this, and I worry I'll accidentally query him/her and recieve a similar rejection.
Wow! Could you please give a teeny, tiny hint to save a bunch of us from querying that person? I just Googled best-selling authors in Malaysia and found nothing. :)
ReplyDeleteOMG - that's funny from my perspective but I don't think so much from yours. A form letter would have been much more helpful.
ReplyDeleteSince he or she has not found a winner for the last 2 years, I think the message is that they are not very good at selecting books. I would think one or two a year would be the minimum since there are so many Mark Twains out there.
I respect your choice to not publish the name of the agent, it's possible that they were on new medication.
I feel sorry for the attendees at this agent's upcoming conference . . . I have to wonder what the book this agent sold is about, if it's selling in Malaysia?!?!?!?
ReplyDeleteSomebody's been drinking the kool-aid, that's for damn sure. What a whackadoodle.
ReplyDeleteI get queries a lot, but usually try not to answer them when I've been drinking. Especially when they've sent them because THEY'VE been drinking. Which I've NEVER done myself, I swear.
???
ReplyDeleteWell, it's original at least...
Drinking the kool-aid is right--and the kool-aid was spiked!
ReplyDeleteLOL!
I've seen ramblings exactly like this on AbsoluteWrite...the same egotistical gibberish that has nothing to do with the price of tea in China.
ReplyDeleteIf it's the agent I think it is, he's bat shit crazy.
Wait...a mental picture is forming here.
ReplyDeleteA locked room. A keyboard.
And a bored seal.
Hmmm, sounds like the board game, Clue, as in:
The trained seal, in the locked room, with the keyboard.
Yeah, thats it. (please Lord, save me from querying this agent)
Have you checked the agent's credentials? It could have been the agent's assistant after a bout of pot or a good snort of something. It could have been written by a person whose knowledge of English is limited at best... I have a few more scenerios - but ... for another time...
ReplyDeleteUgh! WTF! I'm speechless!
ReplyDeleteFor realz? No, I've never seen that -- and I thought I'd queried everyone!
ReplyDeleteUm, this person sounds quite disorganized--I mean in a fundamental thought process, getting from point A to point B in a logical fashion way. (I do not mean this in a disparaging way, but I would be concerned about their ability to function.)
ReplyDeleteSorry that you had the unfortunate honor of receiving such a letter.
Thanks for sharing!
Wow. I'm still very confused. Read it four times now. . . still not any closer to understanding.
ReplyDeleteHad to be drunk.
I do wonder if some of the other posters were right about mixing up the medication or being on the verge of a mental break.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite scenario though is the vengeful assistant, underpaid and overstressed. The coffee gopher, and also the rejectionist, who has been told one too many times to reject something.
Did you get this on April Fool's Day?
ReplyDeleteActually, the style seems familiar. Initials wouldn't be TD, would they?
ReplyDeleteIf not, then hold onto your query files- there's another one of 'em out there.
This isn't really a rejection letter, is it? S/he didn't even take a look at your novel. Sounds like someone who thinks s/he knows better than anyone else and just can't get the stubborn world to pay attention to her or him.
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
Very...quirky? I really don't know what to say outside what's already been said. O.O
ReplyDeleteI'm going to add a tally to DRUNK. Definitely drunk. Or else it was a fed-up assistant who wants to make her boss look really bad. Maybe THEY were drunk.
ReplyDeleteThe Mark Twain stuff was just funny, though. How many Mark Twains does she have? 14. Wow.
I have a dual form of dyslexia and read it through the first time and got it. But I spent years training my brain to work in a different way.
ReplyDeleteSteven
I showed this to my buddies at the house of mirrors, and after we got over the possibility that this might have been a terrorist plot gone wrong, we studied the language. With Mark Twain, and other juvenile ideas I see a teenager who jumped on an open email and clicked send and then reschuffled before his or her mom or dad came back. Motive: do teenagers need one? or has mom or dad been ignoring him/her lately?
ReplyDeleteNo drinking excessively while reading query letters!!! That was very odd...
ReplyDeleteI don't think you want this dude anyway...
You didn't want them for an agent anyway. Ugh. I don't suppose you could send their name in an e-mail; I'm about to start querying. Though, if they didn't look at your project, they probably wouldn't look at mine either.
ReplyDeleteWas this an accident? Like, was this person meaning to reject his/her best friend and sent the email to you instead? Or did he/she mistake you for his/her best friend? YIKES!
ReplyDeleteApart from those possibilities, I'm with the crowd who vote DRUNK.
Weird, weird, weird. I'm so sorry!
Amy
This person is in the wrong business, having such a thin hide that each bruise will show forever....wait, longer than forever, since she/he/it took not one iota of energy to share a sliver of praise, advice, or constructive criticism, let alone acknowledgment of the title of the novel sample you submitted. Yeah, she/he/it should suffer longer-- like eternity, which by virtue of being such a neat word deserves to be longer than forever. Bruised and harping on it until time and people who respect her/him/it enough to submit their carefully written and beloved manuscripts fade into nothingness, which is the level of professionalism and tact displayed by the letter you received.
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty obvious what happened. This guy made a stupid comment at some workshop and The Shark took a bite out of him.
ReplyDeleteHe stumbled back into his hotel room -light headed from the blood loss and dashed off this email.
Some poor maid is going to discover his body with one hand hovering over the enter key.
That is one frustrated and unhappy person. Looks like they are in the business but shouldn't be. Perhaps they'd be happier at McDonalds. Not sure anyone would want them at the White House.
ReplyDeleteIn a way it reads like the last scene of Sex in the City when Carrie tries to analyze her views. She's sitting on her bed in man undies, puffing her head off on a cigarette. But she's upset because her Apple laptop isn't giving her the answers she wants to her 'Life shouldn't be like this' musings. And to make things worse Big has just told her he's marrying Sam so she's feeling totally wiped out and negative.
This has so much of the Life's a Beach and then ya die! element to it. I wonder if they made it to the conference because it sounds so much like a suicide letter.
ZP
The lesson here, my friend, is be careful who you query.
ReplyDeleteI have sent scads of query letters and never received anything like this.
Amy -- SO HAVE I! I never query blindly or lightly. I DID NOT query this guy! The query was not addressed to him. o_O
ReplyDeleteSo I'm wondering why you chose this agent? It sounds like a quick visit at Publisher's Marketplace would have eliminated him/her off the bat, or else this was his/her being open to being discombobulated and unprofessional in front of you.
ReplyDeleteI would prefer to think that s/he was simply distracted... Definitely not a form, so his/her intent might have been to make it a personal response, but as i said, got distracted.
Some day when you're published and run into them, you'll have to offer to return it to them with a smile on your face. I suspect s/he will laugh and apologize! d
Worse rejection that I heard about was a woman whose poem was torn into little pieces and returned to her. Ouch, that is an agent having a bad day.
meg-- I DID NOT query this agent! I promise! :) I queried another agent at the agency BY NAME. The email address, however, was one of those generic-to-the-agency addresses that many agencies use. So even though my query was NOT addressed to the agent who wrote this weird response, I got it, anyway. And this wasn't an assistant answering a main agent's email, either, which I also understand is normal procedure. No, indeed. This was a weird rejection from an agent I DID NOT QUERY!
ReplyDeleteDrunk rejecting.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWithout reading your query and a few sample pages I can't call this crazy.
ReplyDeleteTo me, the language is very specific and targeted. I think this agent was making fun of you and based on the content I have a pretty good idea what your query looked like.
You mentioned something about the agent being new and that's why you chose her. This attempt at flattery falls flat because what you're really saying is that since she's new, she must be desperate for clients.
No doubt you add your self published novel to your list of accomplishments. I've always thought a book about agents by an author without an agent is pretentious at best.The title alone is enough to you seem like a know -it-all. Based on the rant about how nobody knows what they're doing but act like they do, I think this agent feels the same way. Putting this blog on your query will probably illicit the same response.
I think she's telling you to go to a conference before you judge them, but careful what you say. You shouldn't' have been so negative about them in your cover letter. Or maybe she read your self-published book?
You must have stated at some point or implied you don't go to them because everybody has a book to hawk. Talking about the mistakes of others comes off as arrogant.
I don't think she liked the photo you attached to your query.
I'd forgo telling the agent where she is on your list or where you found her. Flattery like this always sounds fake.
It's best to let the agent determine how well your book will sell. I'd say she thinks your a know-it-all.
Don't compare yourself to other writers. Clearly she doesn't think your work holds a candle to the ones your comparing yourself to.
Now here's where you tell me how I'm wrong.
Regardless of whether I'm correct or not, she felt strongly enough abut your query to write a long personalized letter letting you she thinks you are full of *it and she didn't even bother reading your pages.
You can do one of two things. Decide she nuts. That seems to be the consensus. Or you can take a hard look at your query. If it were me, I'd go with that one. I've queried a lot and seen a lot of responses from other people. You are right to assume that yours is special. Like as not other agents were offended and didn't read your pages either.
And thanks for sharing. I've thanked God that I didn't write that query and thought, neaner neaner. It's not that I hate you either. I read this bog and post just like everyone else. It's just human nature, I suppose, but I'd be very tickled if you went splat. Just as a lot of Opra's fans want her to get fat again.
In the meantime leash your ego and divorce your writer identity from your blogger identity.
Wow, anonymous above, you make an awful lot of assumptions in your reply. I think you need to park your know-it-all attitude and leash your ego. Even if what you said was half true, a professional agent would not write such a letter.
ReplyDeleteAuthoress, I would find out who owns the agency this person works for and forward them a copy of the agent's email to you and ask them to check it out. It's too weird. Nevermind drunk, maybe too much wacky-tobaccy.
I think this just helps show that not all agents are equal. Remember, there is no school or degree or governing body for agents. Anyone can slap letterhead on paper and call themselves an agent. Definitely this is where research is good! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat can you say to that but "wow"? I hope I don't query that person, but if someone like you did, then he/she must have a good reputation. This is scary. Hopefully, it was just someone having a bad day.
ReplyDeleteHey anon 12:53
ReplyDeleteI've read Authoresses query. It is polite, professional, and she does not comment about an agents lack of experience, attach a headshot, talk about her self-published media empire, insert glitter, or any other similar gaffe. She hits the mark in terms of tone and form.
Unless she sent me the only professional query and saved the cuckoobird ones for everyone else - possible, but not probable.
Anyway, I have no idea who the agent in question is, but I prefer to think that he was joking in an overly familiar kind of way, and the tone was misread. (Maybe??)
Anon above...what is wrong with you? Just trying to be incendiary, I assume. That voice that gets into our heads and says, maybe it is MY fault somehow even to something as ridiculous as this "agent's" rejection. Authoress, I say delete that supremely ridiculous comment. Yank it like a weed from a rose garden. I love your site, and you are doing a great service for us all. As professionally as you conduct yourself, I doubt anyone but that poster thought you would do anything less in your querying. As bugs bunny would say, "what a maroon."
ReplyDeleteAnon 12:23: That's a peculiar diatribe for someone without a grudge. My best hope for it is that you were quite drunk when you posted it. Otherwise, I'm afraid you've got some problems with reading for comprehension. Many do, but in that case, curbing the on-line vitriol might be a good idea.
ReplyDeleteGo back, indulge in a hair of the dog, if it's helpful, and then re-read.
Literaticat: Sadly, he's not joking at all (unless he's been indulging in some form of interwebs performance art over the past couple of years). This response is par for the course with him--including in his communications with editors.
I've always kind of felt for the guy, but I'm understandably in the minority there, and I certainly feel for his clients more. The agent Authoress would have actually been trying to query is quite legit, FWIW.
Wow. That's fascinating and bizarre all in one package.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 12:53
ReplyDeleteI'm a former slush reader, and I currently run the Query Project on my blog to help writers write better queries. I also have an agent.
(So now you know I'm legit about this. I don't mess around when it comes to queries.)
I've read Authoress's query. If any of these problems you list had been present in it, there's no way I'd have let her send it out. (Just like one friend wouldn't let another go out with badly-matched clothes on inside-out. And if you would, you're a bad friend.)
Authoress has a fabulous query.
Don't make assumptions when you clearly haven't been paying attention to the writer and how hard she works. And if you're a regular reader, shame on you.
If you want Authoress to fail so badly, why participate on the blog? Do you also participate on the Secret Agent contests and critique sessions? If you do, that's pretty selfish, considering your attitude toward her.
On the off-chance you were drunk when posting, or for some reason left this as a joke -- here's my free advice to you. Don't drunk post. And jokes like this aren't funny.
Don't be a troll. You make the internet smell bad.
Authoress, thank you for sharing this bizarre response from an agent you DIDN'T query, and don't let the reader who suggested you brought this upon yourself get you down. Every blog has at least one troll. (You still deserve better, though.)
ReplyDeleteWell... to the anonymous with the poison pen... A white feather would be too polite. You make so many assumptions as to make yourself look slightly ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteAnd I will make one assumption myself. Word might have just drifted around the tracks that a certain query was being discussed and you've come in defence of your faux pas?
P.S. You're (not your) going to need an editor. Badly.
And a dictionary. And when you find a dictionary try to elicit from it because as in your (not you're) accusation, no blog is ever going to illicit a decent response.
ZP
Wow. I'm in shock the agency allows him under their house based on what Mags said.
ReplyDelete........................What?
ReplyDeleteAuthoress, you have always been extremely polite and positive and supportive of us aspirants and participants and we are all very lucky to have this blog to test drive our first pages, queries and other bits. I don't understand the anonymous sniping except that the internet does bring out the trolls...
ReplyDeleteI think the agent who sent this very peculiar rejection was trying to be amusing and different and, well, s/he didn't succeed all that well! A simple thanks for submitting but this wasn't right for me ... would do much better.
I've never been so confused in all my life ...
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work! I invite you to see my post, I hope you will find interesting too.
ReplyDeleteRE: Anon (Troll)above - Wondering if that blog was penned by the agent/author of the rejection letter?!? Good grief!
ReplyDeleteAuthoress . . . please know that folks like me appreciate your service so much! Wishing you a much less bizaare week . . . not likely in the publishing industry, tho ...Cheers!
The letter was just as bizarre as the troll's response.
ReplyDeleteThere really are nut cases out there.
Thanks for sharing a bit of the crazy.
I'm pretty sure I know who it is, too. The writing style is preeeeety distinctive.
ReplyDelete