TITLE: Lex Talionis
GENRE: Science Fantasy
Shalon has a mind link to the man she loves, Andor. He's fought to stay away from her…until now.
"Calm and sure of herself as never before, she smiled and raised her arms, ran her fingers through her hair. She threw her head back, closing her eyes as she did so. She could feel him looking at her. Felt her vest stretch tight across her breasts.
"Not cowardice. Self-preservation."
His voice sounded strained--and very close. Her eyes opened as his arms slid around her, cool and unbreakable as metal bands. He'd moved in front of her so quick, so silent, she'd missed his approach. Before she could focus on his features, his head dipped. His lips were soft against hers, the pressure of them firm, insistent. Shalon's head fell back as he pressed her mouth open. He tasted of wine and heat. Her blood sang with his touch; her arms circled his neck and pulled him closer. He felt hard against her through the silky texture of his suit.
Finally…
His tongue brushed the inside of her lip, and she felt the touch to the soles of her feet.
Mine…whatever happens, whatever they say, you're mine. You always will be.
Andor's hand moved in her hair, stroking, grasping, and then he pulled away. She reached after him, but his hands slid forward, gripped her upper arms as he held her away from him.
"We cannot do this," he said, his voice a fierce whisper.
I am sorry, but this seems very heavy-handed to me, too many adjectives and adverbs. The sentences are not structured properly, kinda clunky and short. I would invest in longer, more complex sentences.
ReplyDeleteMaybe with more context or setup I would feel differently but as it is, I would not be interested in reading more.
Sorry.
I think you have a romantic setup here, and it's a powerful scene, but it feels somehow overwritten, or something. I can't quite place my finger on it. I think it might be the part where he feels hard against her and the silky texture of his suit, they seem a bit romance cliche. I love that they communicate with each other the way they do.
ReplyDeleteI got lost in this--couldn't figure out the POV.
ReplyDeleteDid like "she felt the touch to the soles of her feet."
There is some over-writing here that can be easily fixed. You have some beautiful turns of phrase-- for instance, "cool and unbreakable as metal bands". LOVE that.
ReplyDeleteBut pare it down to the bare essentials and it will really sing!
Two problems with this. The opening feels more like cyber sex than someone actually talking in person to a loved one. And if they are linked, I don't understand why he's saying it at all. Might feel differently if I had more context. Just my thoughts and what I see here.
ReplyDeleteAlmost all the action sentences start with his/her/he/she. Switch the sentences up a bit.
I like how you include multiple senses - taste, texture, sound.
I also love: His tongue brushed the inside of her lip, and she felt the touch to the soles of her feet.
I actually didn't notice the adverbs/adjectives several others have mentioned. And on the whole, I think it's fine. Not bad.
ReplyDeleteI wish we could see the previous 250, as I'd like to see more of Andor's resistance. I assume it's there, because he doesn't seem very resistant in this excerpt.
Good luck with this.
I think this is a scene where the context is missing, so it's difficult to judge. I do agree that there seem to be too many adjectives but that can be fixed easily. The tension between the two is great and you managed to engage many senses (always a plus).
ReplyDelete