TITLE: Roots So Strong
GENRE: Historical Fiction
He opened his eyes to find Ileana lying on her side, watching him. A hesitant gray dawn filtered through the window. Her face was flushed with sleep, her hair a confusion on the pillow, but she looked lovely.
He rested a palm on her forehead, ran it down to her cheek. "The fever's gone."
"You called me 'my love'." She smiled weakly. "Last night."
He turned his hand and let the backs of his fingers trail along her cheek. "So did you."
"I did?" She lifted her face to his fingers, like a nuzzling cat.
"That night. In the vineyard."
Her face clouded for a moment, lashes locking over downcast eyes. "I did." The lashes swept upwards again and her eyes were clear. "You were so nice to me that night. Dancing with me when... " Her voice trailed off.
"You're beautiful." His hands slid behind her head.
"I am?"
"Yes, my love, you are." Emil leaned in and, for the first time, he kissed his wife.
The kiss was hesitant; it was tentative. But it was warm and soft. Ileana moved her lips against his, then Emil moved his tongue against hers. She tasted like morning. She tasted wonderful. He wondered why he hadn't done this the very first time they danced. Maybe everything would have turned out differently if he had kissed her the moment they met.
I really like this scene. It's gentle, familiar, but you can feel deep love and raw sexual need just under the surface.
ReplyDeleteI like that their interplay of words is a bit of foreplay to the kiss and hints at what might come later.
I especially like the line: "She lifted her face to his finger, like a nuzzling cat."
Nice!
some nice showing, but not sure how lashes can lock; don't think it's physically possible...
ReplyDeleteLike the way he turned his hand and trailed his fingers along her cheek
the lashes swept up seems like they're disconnected from her eyes
eyes were clear of what? more specific?
he didn't kiss her when they got married?
show us her face clouding.
hesitant and tentative are pretty much the same, maybe show us instead of tells us. She tasted wonderful isn't needed because in the previous sentence you give a taste, if morning can be said to taste; maybe specify a bit more, like dewy clover in the morning
This is really nice. The writing is smooth and evocative. It makes me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI like this - very romantic, and it leaves me wondering why they haven't kissed before this, and wondering what the previous night was about if it wasn't about kissing! I agree about the lash locking, and I don't find the idea that she tastes like morning very appealing since it makes me think of morning breath...but overall, very nice job. Loved the nuzzling cat - my cat does that.
ReplyDeleteI was really with you until the actual kissing.
ReplyDelete"The kiss was hesitant; it was tentative. But it was warm and soft. Ileana moved her lips against his, then Emil moved his tongue against hers."
I want to know how the kiss makes Emil feel. As of now, it reads like a play by play until you get to the tasting part (which is nice). Lips and tongues move in a kiss - that's what a kiss is. Tell us how it affects him, how it feels. Don't tell me it was tentative, show me how his lips hovered over hers, or whatever. You know? Nice job and good luck!
This one swung wildly back and forth for me. The first paragraph doesn't have consistent movement of the "camera." We go from him watching her, to him looking out the window at the dawn, to him looking at her again. That would make me dizzy if it was a movie. How about changing that first line to, "He opened his eyes to find Ileana lying on her side, watching him in the light of the gray dawn that filtered through the window." That way the focus is still on her.
ReplyDeleteThe sentences after that, I love, though. SO much tender sweetness!
I really liked this. You could clean it up a little per the other posters' comments (especially the locking lashes and tasting like morning - could she taste like morning light instead?), but on the whole, this raises all the right kinds of questions. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI especially like the line: "She lifted her face to his finger, like a nuzzling cat."
ReplyDeleteThat is the line that got me the most, too.
You have hesitant twice in this single piece. Why would dawn be hesitant? Could the kiss have been as hesitant as the approaching dawn?
ReplyDeleteSomething like that. :-)
ZP
great scene. I'd delete one "Moved against" in the last paragraph though
ReplyDelete