TITLE: Demon Sight
GENRE: Fantasy
Akinobu and Kiko,
both 14, have found each other after years apart. She tells him about her
sick brother, and he offers to ask the Elders of his (monk's) order to
help.
She asked, "How much will it cost?"
"Cost?" He blinked at her. "You mean, money?"
"Yes, of course. How much?"
"We don't use money. I just want your brother to be well."
She tried to find his eyes in the dark. "Why should you care? You have never even met Dushi."
He took half a step closer to her, her hands still on hers, and whispered, "I know. I do not care, really, about your brother, though making him well is Kunitsu business, and I will do what I can. I care about you, and I want you to be free."
He was close. So close that it was the easiest thing in the world to raise her face to his, so
that their lips touched, and then their bodies were pressed together, and he
was very, very warm.
Eventually she gasped for air, and then he gasped, also, and took a step back. She could
see the whites of his eyes in the moonlight. "We shouldn't have done that," he said, and his voice was hoarse.
Over all, I liked it. Some differences – very minor, like editing out ‘She asked’ – but mostly it is only opinion and not very substantive criticisms. Possibly re-write the first sentence in the last paragraph to edit the ‘gasped’ echo. But again, this is very minor.
ReplyDeleteI liked it.
I love the forbidden aspect of this - very nice, as he will probably get in a lot of trouble for falling for her. I don't know about gasping for air - it seems a bit unlikely when kissing. Maybe "took a breath" instead?
ReplyDeleteNice writing overall!
Well done! The repeat of gasping was my only thought, too.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing remarkable about this excerpt...but it seems to fit. I mean, as the scene appears, from this little bit, I think it would have been overwritten if there had been lots of drama and remarkable stuff. That's better saved for a later kiss, right? :-) Anyway, I think this really is perfect for a first kiss, in this sort of situation.
ReplyDeleteMy only specific question is...why the whites of his eyes in the moonlight? It seems an odd thing for her to notice at such a time. She could notice his breathing, find herself watching his mouth, looking INTO his eyes, instead of looking at the whites of them (which isn't really looking into them...at least to me).
It's good, though!
I have a few concerns. First, these characters sound quite a bit older than fourteen, but then, maybe Japanese teenagers just speak more formally than American ones. Something to think about at least.
ReplyDeleteIn the sixth paragraph, I'm wondering if the phrase "her hands still on hers" is a typo. If it's not, I don't get it.
In the seventh paragraph, you might consider changing "their bodies were pressed together" to just "their bodies pressed together." Makes the sentence more active.
And I agree with the other gasping comments. They'd have to be doing some pretty intensive making out to warrant a gasp, but based on what (admittedly little) I know about these characters, that doesn't seem like something they'd be doing at this point, especially for a first kiss.
Hope that helps. Good luck with this.
I thought the dialogue was fine for fantasy novel teens. I love the ending! While they were kissing I was thinking, "Wait, isn't he a monk? Uh oh."
ReplyDeleteI wanted to connect "He was close, so close that..." but I realize it makes a bit of a long sentence. You could get away with it though, especially since the way the sentence is racing would sort of echo how Kiko is feeling.
I'm curious what's going to happen now. Is he going to be in trouble? :)
I thought it was very interesting. There were some typos- I assume and some grammar fixes. But I did think that these teenagers would speak a bit more formally. One thing that struck me was that he was pretty quick to admit to her that her really didn't care about her brother, and she didn't get upset? just some tweak I think.
ReplyDelete