TITLE: Triptych
GENRE: Science Fiction
Kalp, an alien from a dead world, coaxes his roommate Basil into teaching him how to kiss like a human.
"Oh,hell," Basil says.
He grabs Kalp's ears and drags his head up and presses his hot mouth directly over Kalp's.
It is Kalp's first kiss. It is everything he hopes for.
It is wet and hot and the soft slick slide of tongues is breathlessly exhilarating in ways that Kalp had not expected. Basil's hands are fisted in his shirt now, demanding and controlling the angle and depth that he can manoeuvre. He is trying to prove something, prove that he is not scared of Kalp or scared of himself and this strange want, Kalp is not sure. Kalp tilts his head back and lets his mouth fall open a bit more and lets Basil take everything he wants. Anything he wants.
The kiss slows. It becomes tender a way that Kalp has never seen in the pornographies he has watched. Bail licks into Kalp's mouth, running his tongue against Kalp's, over the roof of his mouth, and across his teeth.
Then he jerks back sharply and claps his hands over his mouth.
"Dammit," he says, the words muffled by his fingers, and grimaces. "Fangs."
A small drop of blood slides between a crack between them and down the stairway of his knuckles.
I have a problem with the following sentence: "He is trying to prove something, prove that he is not scared of Kalp or scared of himself and this strange want, Kalp is not sure." I had to read that twice to figure out where it was going. I think maybe it could use a "whether". As in "...prove something, whether to prove he is not scared of Kalp or scared of himself...., Kalp is not sure." I also think I would make it two sentences. "...prove something. Whether...."
ReplyDeleteI liked the fangs. Before that it seemed that Kalp was human even though your description said he wasn't. The fangs were definitely a nice touch.
Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteYou may have a extra 'that' or two but that is more opinion than horrible mistakes. I am totally ignoring the mispelling of Basil in one paragraph :)
Some definite heat going on here. Good mental picture and I would love to read more.
For me, the only glaring problem is the title. You might want a title the reader can relate to instead of Triptych.
I can't get into the present tense. It makes me feel like you, the author, are telling me about the story, instead of just letting me read the story for myself.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very hot scene, very vivid, but I have to agree that using the present tense utterly screws it up.
ReplyDeletePresent tense is what we use when we tell a story. It inserts a voice. It may be a good voice, but it comes between us and experiencing the action.
But as I said, very hot. Love the "oh, hell" opening, and the twist at the end is fun. (Though not for poor Basil.)
I actually like this. The present tense adds to Kalp's voice. You meshed hot intensity, strange passion, and logical observation.
ReplyDeleteMakes me want to read more.
I love the opening and the fangs! The language you used was a little "alien-ish" and I think that was the intention, because it sounds the way Kalp might think in English.
ReplyDeleteWhen the blood slid "between a crack between them," I thought you meant between Basil and Kalp, but I think you mean between his fingers.
The other thing I'm not sure about is if Kalp convinced Basil to help him, would Basil really want to "take everything he wants"? Isn't he just doing this as a favor?
Very interesting idea, and I'm curious to read more. :)
I like this a lot, but I was also a bit confused reading it. I think it's because I can't tell whose head we are in. I'm not opposed to omniscient but it needs to be done clearly, I think - perhaps with a different person's thoughts in a different paragraph. But your third para jumps between Kalp's head to Basil's head and then back to Basil's and I got lost in there. I think you have an interesting idea though, that all being said, and a gift with words.
ReplyDeleteI'm giving you best simile of the month with "down the stairway of his knuckles." Loved that!
ReplyDeletePOV jumps all over the scene and it's jarring. I very much like the idea but jumping from Kalp to Basil and back with the added irritation of a Bail instead of Basil makes this hard to believe. The sensations and emotions seem genuine though.
ReplyDelete