Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mini Are You Hooked #2

TITLE: Always Read the Fae Print
GENRE: urban fantasy

Someone should have cut me off after the fourth Bacardi & Coke.

I sat on the side of the bed, whimpering at each bang on the canal-side window. So far, my first morning as a twenty-six-year-old kind of sucked: my head pounded like crazy, my throat felt parched, and more importantly, I definitely recognized the blurry room around me as Arjan's. Which meant houseboat. Which meant spinny room. Which meant, succinctly, ugh.

For the next semi-random one-night-stand, would a speck of foresight be too much to ask for?

And what caused that banging on the window, anyway? Hangover or not, it sounded way too loud to be a bird pecking at the glass.

I forced myself upright--holy crap, the wooden floor was cold--and hoped the room would stop moving soon. This hangover-houseboat combination was definitely not up for repeats. Never ever.

The alarm clock caught my eye: ten past ten. Oh, frick. Willem would kill me if I showed up late for work again.

I shuffled closer. Thick curtains obscured the morning light. Scrounging up courage, I pulled them aside a fraction of an inch. Still enough to make me flinch at the sunlight reflected on the Schinkel canal.

Yanking the curtains shut and diving back under the covers to snuggle up with Arjan sounded like an excellent plan. I resisted--less out of misplaced toughness than the urge to stare dumbly at the thing hitting the window. For all the weird things in my life, I hadn't expected this.

16 comments:

  1. Wow…excellent writing!

    After reading it again, slowly this time to better grasp the feel of the story, I am most thoroughly, positively H.O.O.K ed.

    My initial thought was the story relied too much on the tremendous hangover going on in this submission, but now, nope, nope….definitely hooked and I want more.

    Good job!

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  2. I like the title and the narrator's voice. The details seem realistic. However, this opening seems like it's spending a lot of time to get to whatever is outside the window. Ray over at Flogging the Quill would call this "throat-clearing." Perhaps if you trimmed some of the details and got to the flying thing on the first page, that would help.

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  3. I would read on, but I agree with Sandra that you could definitely tightening it up so that the reader can get to the main conflict a bit quicker.

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  4. Aha, this title is familiar to me. Great writing, as always.

    I do agree with the others that the suspense over "What's at the window?" is frustrating. It seems like we'll know the answer, and we're left hanging. If you had another 50 words to play with here, I doubt that would be an issue.

    That said, I'm hooked!

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  5. Yep--the very next sentence is the answer. I didn't mean to leave it on a frustrating cliffhanger! If only I'd had those extra few words...

    Anyway, thanks for the kind words and advice :) And for those interested in the ever-so-exciting answer to what's at the window, I have the entire first chapter up on my blog.

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  6. I absolutely love the voice, but I second the previous comments that this could be tighter. I feel like we need to get to the inciting incident sooner, or else we need more tension from another source to pull us through this first page.

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  7. I'm hooked. I love your voice, and the first sentence sets the stage so perfectly. I want to buy this book now.

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  8. I'm hooked! I was feeling the pain!

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  9. I went and read the whole chapter! I like!

    I don't read a lot of fantasy any more, and I can't say this is my genre, but.... Carnivorous doormats? Yeah, baby!

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  10. I like it and I want to read on. Hooked.

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  11. I really like this. Great voice. Great descriptions. I thought you spent maybe a bit too long on the hangover (the hangover-houseboat combination line is the one that made me say, Ok, enough with the hangover already.)

    Nice job, I would keep reading--and I don't read fantasy! :)

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  12. The description of the hangover was really nice. I would keep reading. You had me hooked at the first sentence when I laughed out loud.

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  13. Definitely hooked, and hating the cliffhanger, but such is life.

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  14. Thanks so much, everyone! You're wonderful. Kind words and consistent criticism - what more could a girl ask for?

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  15. For me, the best part of this posting was the title. Immediately gives me a chuckle, and I expect to read the same humor in the text.

    As with many of these submissions, there's too much backstory right up front. And I don't know this MC well enough to care about her hangover and situation.

    Just my opinion.

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  16. Oooh...I want to know what's at the window! Hoooked!

    Good luck!

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