Thursday, May 27, 2010

Mini Are You Hooked #6

TITLE: Kingmaker
GENRE: Contemporary Fantasy

Alex stared at his misshapen shadow. It was too big, broad out to the sides, confirmation of the things that had just burst from his body. As if responding to his fear, his brand-new wings wrapped around him in a soft, flexibly-feathery hug.

He startled backwards with a gasp and was suddenly airborne.

The ground shrank away. He screamed, aching where the wings had torn through like new teeth, and they reacted to his panic by disappearing. He fell like a rock.

He landed badly, crashing through the bushes and down the hill, completely out of control until he slammed into a tree. Pain throbbed in his leg, in his ribs, pounded behind his eyes. He managed one hysterical laugh. Had that just happened? With wings? Really?

There were no wings now.

But he could feel them. Furled inside somehow, quivering and ready. He laughed again, and this time it turned into a sob.

At least the leg would heal, probably in less than an hour. He'd always been a freak - but this was the first time it meant something he couldn't hide.

#

An hour later, he limped toward the hotel with plans to sneak through the kitchen. He'd healed, but he was still filthy. His shirt was in so many pieces he didn't know what to do with it besides ball it up and carry it in his fist.

He'd be in so much trouble if they caught him.

11 comments:

  1. I am so hooked! I love how you started out right away with action. I think I might have to try that in my own WIP.

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  2. Love it! I love the idea of wings being invisible inside a body and tearing out when needed. So great. I really want to know what is going on now.

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  3. Hooked! Would love to read more.

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  4. Yes I want to know more. Hooked!

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  5. Strong, hooky opening. I felt the whole thing along with Alex. The only part that drew me out was the laugh that turned to a sob--I'm not sure why that seemed a little melodramatic. But hey, the guy just got wings, so what do I know about how he'd react?

    Fantastic! Best wishes.

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  6. I really like this! Great descriptions and pacing.

    I am not sure about the "startled backwards with a gasp" sentence. Something about it felt awkward.

    LOVE the third paragraph. And further on, I love how he can feel his wings "furled inside somehow, quivering and ready."

    Got a little confused with the leg thing - you say it would heal in less than an hour, but an hour later he is limping. Seems like he shouldn't be limping if he was healed. Or was it a gash that healed? Maybe he shouldn't be limping though.

    In general, this is really an incredible concept and fantastic writing. Good luck.

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  7. Absolutely, phenomenally hooked. If this book is done, I would read it now.

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  8. Hooked. Fun start!

    I was a little bit thrown by the ground shrinking away though - for that to happen he'd have to be quite far up, which seems unlikely since he's not actively trying to fly. One or two flaps wouldn't make the ground shrink.

    You could tighten the writing up here and there--for example, we understand that the landing is bad if you describe it, we don't need the actual adverb. Similarly, 'out of control' can be cut--show us he's out of control, instead.

    But still--like I said. Looks like fun, and I'd read on!

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  9. I like the premise of a person learning how to control his wings. But there seemed to be some contradictions in the text.

    First he has the wings wrap around himself (does he control them or do they act by themselves?), then they retract and "there were no wings now"? Than he feels them inside himself.

    I don't know if animals with wings (bats, birds, etc.) really feel them as separate entities from themselves.

    But I encourage you to keep at this. It could be the next big fad. Who knows?

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