Thursday, October 21, 2010

Logline Critique Session One: #22

TITLE: Love and Death
GENRE: Adult commercial

When Jane impulsively kisses a handsome stranger, she falls in love. Unfortunately, so does he. Can this mismatched couple create a lifetime together in the six weeks Jane has left to live?

14 comments:

sbjames said...

Hmm, I feel like something is left out. Why are they mismatched, is it something other than her bad health? Up through the first two sentences I was wondering what the conflict was. The fact that she's dying is what caught my interest. I think that info should come first.

When Jane learns she's dying, she kisses a handsome stranger and falls in love. So does he. Can they create a lifetime in the six weeks Jane has left?

Shannon said...

I agree with sbjames. The dying information is a good first line. Otherwise the 'unfortunately' feels misplaced. They're both in love, what's the problem?

Mystery Robin said...

I agree that the premise is interesting but the "mismatched" and "unfortunately" threw me.

Holly Bodger said...

Goals must ALWAYS be tangible and "create a lifetime together" is not tangible. Also, I don't see any conflict other than in the "mismatched" and I'm not sure that is enough conflict to keep a reader hooker. Finally, we need consequences. What happens if she doesn't meet her goal? She dies alone? If you want this to matter to us, you need to start by telling us that all she wants in life is to not die alone. Then, we will see that this guy is her last chance to meet this goal.

Nicole Zoltack said...

I would like to know more about Jane, and the stranger. How exactly are they mismatched?

Kris said...

I'm not a fan of log lines that end in rhetorical questions, but that's my issue. :) I feel like it's too easy to say "no" and move on.

I like the premise here, but I want to know more about why she kisses the stranger and how they fall in love so fast. Can you give a hint of the location/environment? Are they locked in an elevator together? And what are the stakes besides living the last six months of her life. Is there a chance of saving her life?

Kathleen said...

Personally, I think this is great. All the questions people have asked mean that they're intrigued, and after all, that's the point, isn't it? :)

Ramsey Hootman said...

Personally, I think it's super. The questions you raise with the first sentence are answered in the second, and I'm hooked. I can put together the plot... she's dying, gets a little impulsive and decides to go for a kiss... and it turns into something serious. Whoops!

therealtwinmom said...

Totally hooked.

Jen said...

My first question, as with others was why are they mismatched? And maybe why does she only have 6 weeks to live?

ShannonW said...

This is a great start! I stumbled over "unfortunately" and "mismatched". They didn't seem to fit and it distracted me from the actual log line. I would love to understand the conflict and/or consequences if they can't create a lifetime together and why they would even try if they are so 'mismatched'. Maybe being more concrete about why they are mismatched? Hmm. Sorry if this is rambling.

Best of luck and thanks for sharing!

E. Arroyo said...

Hmm..I kinda think something is missing. I don't really know if the question is a hook for me. Maybe give us a bit of the answered question with a spark of attitude? IDK maybe give us an insight to your characters. I think this just gives us plot info. which can read like any other story. Just rambling here feel free to ignore.

meradeth said...

I have to agree that the "unfortunately" caught me off guard and made me wonder why this is such a bad thing. I'd be more hooked if I knew what made this such a bad mis-match.

Marne said...

I liked your post, I'd read more. But I'm noticing a trend in comments (not just on yours, but on several posts) about adverbs. It has me thinking the writing in a logline should be just as strong/powerful as the writing in the book. So, adverbs and passive writing should not be used... just my thoughts in general, not just about your post.